Live Blog: Dallas Premiere On TNT

TNT

9:02 -- She went in to spy, she ended up not spying, and now she's being accused of spying. Poor Fast-Furious chick. ... Aaaaand here come the romantic complications. Apparently Christopher broke up with Fast-Furious over an e-mail. Over an e-mail. But he denies it. "I never SENT YOU an e-mail." Suddenly, this sounds like an office comedy.

9:04 -- Jesse Metcalfe cries on command, he makes his lips quiver, he gets the crazy eyes. Yet, not a hair falls out of place.

9:10 -- Get off the alternative energies train, dude, YOU'RE CAUSING EARTHQUAKES. "I just want to get the Ewing name back on top." That's enough to convince Bobby to go ahead with the Southfork sale. Yet, I as a viewer don't trust this Marta Del Sol person.

9:11 -- They even have the Adele CD at Southfork Ranch. It's a new world.

9:13 -- I knew it! Marta's in cahoots with J.R.(ta). That slick bitch.

9:14 -- Every time J.R. says "darlin'," we turn to the dark side a little more.

9:15 -- Looks like John Ross has his own little scheme going with Marta. And they have their secret meetings on the 50 yard line at Jerryworld. Jumbotron cameo.

9:16 -- I've seen that leather jacket before, John Ross. I think it's in the Marc Anthony line at Kohl's.

9:17 -- J.R. reminds us at least three times in one scene that he plans to double-cross Bobby into selling Southfork to him. So, are we all caught up on the plot points? We don't care about the plot points? OK, good, that's what I thought.

9:20 -- Metcalfe may or may not have his chest regularly injected with compressed marshmallows.

9:22 -- Patrick Duffy should win the Emmy for best fake stomach pains. We can actually feel them. OO! WAW!

9:23 -- I've actually been on a few Austin trips that felt like stomach surgery. True story.

9:24 -- You think "BOBBY N PAM FOREVER" is carved on the other side of the tree?

9:25 -- Fast-Furious pulls off the calm-rage-seguing-into-sadness thing impressively. I'm thinking of learning her character's name.

9:32 -- Really, Bobby, it's not like your horseys will die if a little bitta oil is drilled around the corner. Lighten up. ... Wait, we're back on this mysterious Tommy person? Something's up with him. He's either in on a scheme, or he wandered off the set of a CW show.

9:33 -- Aww, Christopher, why do you feel the need to prove yourself to anyone? Look at your face! Your life will be easy!

9:34 -- Call me a traditionalist, but I don't think it's a second wife's right to drop Miss Ellie's recipe book on someone who's been in the family for mere days.

9:36 -- John Ross can't be clever enough to pull off this major deception he's planning. I mean, he can't even groom his facial hair correctly.

9:43 -- "It used to be our bar, John Ross, back when we were growing up?" Now that's something a trust-fund baby would say.

9:44 -- "So you better grow eyes in the back of your head ... COUSIN ... 'cause I'm coming for you." Amazing dialogue.

9:45 -- I'm just going to say it. Sue Ellen's pretty fucking scary.

9:45 -- Cattle Baron's Ball, woot! And it's at American Airlines Center. Work that walker, J.R.!

9:47 -- Please, camera, never leave J.R. again. He is the light, the salvation.

9:49 -- Sue Ellen was so shocked seeing J.R. that her cougar boobs nearly popped out of that angular slit.

9:56 -- Lana Del Rey's backing tracks are now used to sell Nespresso. Hard fall.

9:56 -- Meanwhile, back at the CBB, John Ross and his smart black outfit make amends with Fast-Furelena. "Look, I didn't send ... that damn e-mail, Elena!" They need to get off this e-mail thing. Put more stake in personal interactions, the way J.R. does. See? We've already learned a lesson.

10 p.m. -- Jesus, John Ross, get those sideburns fixed. It's called Dear Clark.

10:01 -- Marta just slipped a sedative in John Ross' drank. He kisses her as if he's got no tongue at all. She's recording everything. Ewing sex tape coming soon.

10:03 -- Ann and Bobby are off to the surgery. She should know that everything will be fine. There are at least eight more episodes to go.

10:05 -- So, Fast-Furious wrote a game-changing thesis that could save Christopher's alternative energy efforts? That seems mighty convenient. .... Eeeep, here it comes. Seems there's yet another scheme being dreamed up between Christopher's new wife and her CW brother.

10:07 -- State Fair of Texas ferris wheel is John Ross' second secret meeting place. What's his third, fuckin' Medieval Times?

10:10 -- J.R. tore his formerly sedated ass down to Mexico to get to the bottom of this supposed deal. Good thinking. Now he knows his own son is playing him. There's not enough red jello in the known world to save John Ross now. He's in for a very creative whuppin'.

So, what sayeth you, fellow viewers? Think you'll tune in next week, or will you download the theme song as your ringtone and move on?

It's been real. Night y'all.