Live Blog: Dallas Premiere On TNT
Don't panic. The two-hour premiere of the relaunched Dallas hasn't started yet. Right now on TNT ... let's see ... we've got an old episode of Law & Order that we've probably all slept through five times. ... Yep, I've dreamed about Jesse L. Martin telling someone to "sit yo ass down" before, I'm sure of it.
I'm merely checking in to let you know that I'll be here for you at 8 p.m. when the show starts. Your friends opted to go to one of the premiere screenings around town, and hey, good for them. May they enjoy lots of fake public laughter and sliders. But you and I, we're scared of rain. We enjoy the cut of a terry-cloth robe. We work real jobs. Therefore, we prefer live-blogging to "getting live" (do people say that anymore?).
Blog party starts in about 20.
7:55 -- I've already figured one very important thing out about the backstory of the new Dallas, before it even starts: The entire Desperate Housewives series actually happened in a dream that Bobby Ewing's new wife had. She's the narrator of said dream, and Bobby's adopted son appears in part of it as a very hot and inappropriate pool boy. Think about it. Not out of the realm.
8 p.m. -- JUST ... SECONDS ... AWAYYYYY
8:01 -- Cows! Oil drill thing! Southfork Ranch is in the Dallas city limits, according to the title language! THAR'S OYL IN THAT THAR RAYNCH!
8:02 -- The chick from 'Fast and the Furious' is covered in oil. Yahhh-hooo! She and son of J.R. kiss while gripping each other's heads.
8:03 -- Holy shit ... Bobby's gonna die again? Of cancer? Surely the first season of the new version can't be a dream, can it?
8:04 -- Title-sequence-gasm. Original music. The new Dallas, complete with neon-ass Omni and Pretty Bridge to Somewhere (but not sure where).
8:05 -- Geez, Bobby's hot, former-poolboy son. Such disdain for dad's love of the simple life. You'd rather blaze new alternative energy trails, beat the Chinese to the punch, and leave a business meeting to engage in locker-room coitus. Wait, what?
8:07 -- Damn, he didn't even get to take his shirt off. Coitus interruptus.
8:08 -- Patrick Duffy sho can ride a horse, cain't he? ... Bobby's wife's high boots and fake accent are not appropriate for this scene.
8:09 -- John Ross hangs with some very sketchy looking oil men. They can't even cover their tank wife beaters to go in a bar.
8:10 -- Ooh, John Ross has a secret associate who drives a sports car. Let the backstabbery begin.
8:11 -- This one-way exchange between Bobby and J.R. has a very strong 'The Notebook' vibe.
8:12 -- Bobby to J.R.: "I don't want them to be like us. But. [dramatic pause] All that bein' said ... I do want a second season."
8:14 -- Christopher to maid: "Ooh, I've missed your cooking." That's the first thing you say to the woman who probably raised you? ... And here's John Ross, that damn scoundrel. ... And, I'm sensing some awkward former-lover vibes between Fast-Furious-chick and poolboy. ... I'm lying. I don't sense anything. I just read a couple of press releases.
8:15 -- Instead of planning weddings, let's just go 'head and make J.R. be himself again. ... Oh, wait. Oil-related tension between cousins. ... Wah-wah-waaat? Bobby gon' sell Southfork? Will he change his mind when John Ross tells him he's sittin' on barrels of liquid gold?
8:22 -- Miss Ellie and Jock backstory told through tense dialogue. Fast-Furious chick hath figured out that they're sitting on a wealth of sweet crude. ... "Oil's in your blood," she tells Christopher. Wait, no it's not. He's adopted.
8:23 -- OK, John Ross got a cackle out of me when he told Christopher: "Everybody knows that yo' dad sold you when you were a little baby."
8:24 -- Christopher pecs > John Ross pecs.
8:25 -- Bobby got served! John Ross "wants the terms of momma's will overturned," Bobby sigh-speaks. "I will give him the fight of his life," he sigh-growls.
8:27 -- Bobby done served John Ross right back. John Ross responds by calling Bobby "Uncle" crazily.
8:31 -- 'Juno 2: Jen Garner Gets A Baby From The Ground.'
8:32 -- Christopher's fiancee is a little too smooth, talking about her poker-playing dead daddy. Hmmm. Wonder what her "tell" is. ... Oh wait. Can't look at anyone else in scene. Sue Ellen sucks all attention away.
8:34 -- You're telling somebody he triggered an earthquake over Skype?
8:35 -- Please re-animate, J.R. We neeedd yuuuuuuuuuuu....
8:36 -- I think I saw an eyebrow move.
8:37 -- HELL YEAH, J.R.'s BACK, AND HE'S RHYMIN'.
8:38 -- Oooh, yeah, bitches, he's eatin' red jello and controlling the world again.
8:41 -- It's gettin' all 'Tuesdays With Larry' up in here.
8:42 -- I see you, John Ross, manipulating your cook's daughter of a love interest. "Spy on Christopher, or you'll always be a brown sheep."
8:43 -- Don't give in to her Fast-n-Furious charms, Pec-y Metcalfe. She's a spy! ... Aw, shit, there you go telling her about the earthquake you done caused. ... Question: Why do all these Newings want to work so hard, anyway? Can't they just ride four-wheelers and discuss philosophy like other trust fund babies?
8:46 -- Strong sense that some thangs are gonna go down at this wedding.
8:50 -- Hey, Bobby's wife, I don't think Tums are going to cure cancer. ... Forget that, though, she's opening the gun case. There's an intruder. "I don't miss, Mister. Not at any range." Yet, strangely, she doesn't shoot him as he runs away. No fun.
8:52 -- Worst way to find out about a loved one's terminal illness is to Google their medicine label.
8:53 -- Now, someone's broken into Christopher's office and put an entire hard drive on a USB flash drive in less than 30 seconds. That could happen.
8:54 -- It's amazing that Bobby can fit secret stomach cancer pains, a business meeting with a conservacy rep on a helicopter, and his (adopted) son's wedding into one day. Those Ewings do have quite the work ethic.
8:56 -- Off the helicopter, on to the wedding. Charlene Tilton cameo! I think she's wearing a Kim Zolciak wig.
8:57 -- Why are we meeting Christopher's fiancee's brother, who's been detained at the border? Hmmmmm.
8:58 -- Sue Ellen's earrings and lips are delivering a monologue right now. She's reminding her son that she's got political connex. "Think of me ... as ... an ally," she tells sonny boy.
9 p.m. -- John Ross-Christopher confrontation in 3, 2, 1 ...