Live Blog: Dallas Premiere On TNT

Live Blog: Dallas Premiere On TNT

By Hunter Hauk Wed., Jun. 13 2012 at 7:47 PM

Categories: RTVF

Don't panic. The two-hour premiere of the relaunched Dallas hasn't started yet. Right now on TNT ... let's see ... we've got an old episode of Law & Order that we've probably all slept through five times. ... Yep, I've dreamed about Jesse L. Martin telling someone to "sit yo ass down" before, I'm sure of it.

I'm merely checking in to let you know that I'll be here for you at 8 p.m. when the show starts. Your friends opted to go to one of the premiere screenings around town, and hey, good for them. May they enjoy lots of fake public laughter and sliders. But you and I, we're scared of rain. We enjoy the cut of a terry-cloth robe. We work real jobs. Therefore, we prefer live-blogging to "getting live" (do people say that anymore?).

Blog party starts in about 20.

[Drops mic.]

7:55 -- I've already figured one very important thing out about the backstory of the new Dallas, before it even starts: The entire Desperate Housewives series actually happened in a dream that Bobby Ewing's new wife had. She's the narrator of said dream, and Bobby's adopted son appears in part of it as a very hot and inappropriate pool boy. Think about it. Not out of the realm.

8 p.m. -- JUST ... SECONDS ... AWAYYYYY

8:01 -- Cows! Oil drill thing! Southfork Ranch is in the Dallas city limits, according to the title language! THAR'S OYL IN THAT THAR RAYNCH!

8:02 -- The chick from 'Fast and the Furious' is covered in oil. Yahhh-hooo! She and son of J.R. kiss while gripping each other's heads.

8:03 -- Holy shit ... Bobby's gonna die again? Of cancer? Surely the first season of the new version can't be a dream, can it?

8:04 -- Title-sequence-gasm. Original music. The new Dallas, complete with neon-ass Omni and Pretty Bridge to Somewhere (but not sure where).

8:05 -- Geez, Bobby's hot, former-poolboy son. Such disdain for dad's love of the simple life. You'd rather blaze new alternative energy trails, beat the Chinese to the punch, and leave a business meeting to engage in locker-room coitus. Wait, what?

8:07 -- Damn, he didn't even get to take his shirt off. Coitus interruptus.

8:08 -- Patrick Duffy sho can ride a horse, cain't he? ... Bobby's wife's high boots and fake accent are not appropriate for this scene.

8:09 -- John Ross hangs with some very sketchy looking oil men. They can't even cover their tank wife beaters to go in a bar.

8:10 -- Ooh, John Ross has a secret associate who drives a sports car. Let the backstabbery begin.

8:11 -- This one-way exchange between Bobby and J.R. has a very strong 'The Notebook' vibe.

8:12 -- Bobby to J.R.: "I don't want them to be like us. But. [dramatic pause] All that bein' said ... I do want a second season."

8:14 -- Christopher to maid: "Ooh, I've missed your cooking." That's the first thing you say to the woman who probably raised you? ... And here's John Ross, that damn scoundrel. ... And, I'm sensing some awkward former-lover vibes between Fast-Furious-chick and poolboy. ... I'm lying. I don't sense anything. I just read a couple of press releases.

8:15 -- Instead of planning weddings, let's just go 'head and make J.R. be himself again. ... Oh, wait. Oil-related tension between cousins. ... Wah-wah-waaat? Bobby gon' sell Southfork? Will he change his mind when John Ross tells him he's sittin' on barrels of liquid gold?

8:22 -- Miss Ellie and Jock backstory told through tense dialogue. Fast-Furious chick hath figured out that they're sitting on a wealth of sweet crude. ... "Oil's in your blood," she tells Christopher. Wait, no it's not. He's adopted.

8:23 -- OK, John Ross got a cackle out of me when he told Christopher: "Everybody knows that yo' dad sold you when you were a little baby."

8:24 -- Christopher pecs > John Ross pecs.

8:25 -- Bobby got served! John Ross "wants the terms of momma's will overturned," Bobby sigh-speaks. "I will give him the fight of his life," he sigh-growls.

8:27 -- Bobby done served John Ross right back. John Ross responds by calling Bobby "Uncle" crazily.

8:31 -- 'Juno 2: Jen Garner Gets A Baby From The Ground.'

8:32 -- Christopher's fiancee is a little too smooth, talking about her poker-playing dead daddy. Hmmm. Wonder what her "tell" is. ... Oh wait. Can't look at anyone else in scene. Sue Ellen sucks all attention away.

8:34 -- You're telling somebody he triggered an earthquake over Skype?

8:35 -- Please re-animate, J.R. We neeedd yuuuuuuuuuuu....

8:36 -- I think I saw an eyebrow move.

8:37 -- HELL YEAH, J.R.'s BACK, AND HE'S RHYMIN'.

8:38 -- Oooh, yeah, bitches, he's eatin' red jello and controlling the world again.

8:41 -- It's gettin' all 'Tuesdays With Larry' up in here.

8:42 -- I see you, John Ross, manipulating your cook's daughter of a love interest. "Spy on Christopher, or you'll always be a brown sheep."

8:43 -- Don't give in to her Fast-n-Furious charms, Pec-y Metcalfe. She's a spy! ... Aw, shit, there you go telling her about the earthquake you done caused. ... Question: Why do all these Newings want to work so hard, anyway? Can't they just ride four-wheelers and discuss philosophy like other trust fund babies?

8:46 -- Strong sense that some thangs are gonna go down at this wedding.

8:50 -- Hey, Bobby's wife, I don't think Tums are going to cure cancer. ... Forget that, though, she's opening the gun case. There's an intruder. "I don't miss, Mister. Not at any range." Yet, strangely, she doesn't shoot him as he runs away. No fun.

8:52 -- Worst way to find out about a loved one's terminal illness is to Google their medicine label.

8:53 -- Now, someone's broken into Christopher's office and put an entire hard drive on a USB flash drive in less than 30 seconds. That could happen.

8:54 -- It's amazing that Bobby can fit secret stomach cancer pains, a business meeting with a conservacy rep on a helicopter, and his (adopted) son's wedding into one day. Those Ewings do have quite the work ethic.

8:56 -- Off the helicopter, on to the wedding. Charlene Tilton cameo! I think she's wearing a Kim Zolciak wig.

8:57 -- Why are we meeting Christopher's fiancee's brother, who's been detained at the border? Hmmmmm.

8:58 -- Sue Ellen's earrings and lips are delivering a monologue right now. She's reminding her son that she's got political connex. "Think of me ... as ... an ally," she tells sonny boy.

9 p.m. -- John Ross-Christopher confrontation in 3, 2, 1 ...

Tags:

commentary, dallas, fun, j, live blog, premiere, tnt

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Donna Dotson

Now that it has been some 20 years later, will Christoper ever find out who his real dad is, in the orignal series JR and Sue Ellen's sister are the parents of Christoper

danielx

I loved the summary. But something you didn't mention: they all look alike! Really! I CANNOT tell the 3 boys apart. Are they clones? Or is every 25 year old male in Texas tall with short dark hair, and intense look and pecs? If it weren't for the facial hair, I'd never know which is supposed to be the evil one. It's enough to make you crave a red-head, and you know what that entails. And what's with the look alike dark - haired beauties? It's nice to anticipate that the real Marta Del Sol person doesn't have the same dark hair as Fast & Furious, but who knows what is lurking under that gawd-awful wig. The thing looks like it was once alive. Apparently even Texas recycles.

Hilary Jirasek

Like it or not, Dallas (the tv show) being filmed in Dallas (the city) was a great thing for our city's economy. Keep Dallas' (the tv show) ratings up, and Dallas (the city) will be better off for it!

OSUKELLY47

Let me guess, as a baby boomer- you are in your 60s or 70s and wanted entire show to center around JR, Bobbi, and Sue Ellen. They've had their day and they are too old to carry it alone. Be realistic. The only people I know that watch the shows you listed are over 60 anyway so go back to your demographic. They'd rather have my demo anyway.

OSUKELLY47

Okay, I too watched the original Dallas- starting from a VERY young age and I even watched the follow up movies in college. I think a lot of people expected something completely 180• different than the original. Hello! Then it wouldn't be called Dallas! Some wanted it to be centered around the original cast. Think about it- who wants to watch 60- 85 year olds scheming and womanizing? It surely isn't a way to gain viewership. As far as recycled plots, I have no recollection of Bobbi and JR fighting for the same woman, nor do I remember JR or Bobbi stupidly trying to dupe Jock or Miss Ellie. I liked the fresher faces and new storylines that still respected the history of the show. I will watch again.

Guest-by-force

As a baby boomer enjoying life, love and TV since the 60's I was astounded that TNT's controlling staff has completed fell off my television screen. I may have to stop catching my afternoon Law & Order epiosdes; (I know they're re-runs). Re-runs would have been an enlightened idea on the topic of Dallas but honestly, it saw it's days and nights. After enjoying the show for so many years an attempt at playing off a winning series is a desecration. Rename it by announcing the start-up was a promotional stunt for your new show; Restless In Albany and center it on the government of New York state or even Albany, Ga. Loosing one viewer simply means there are more who will find House entertaining again and TNT headed for the down elevator in the viewership retention center. It's great that USA and others are interested in their viewers.

Hunter

I just moved away from Junius Heights. Double win for me.

Jamie Laughlin

Dallas plot lines > hail-damage claims in Junius Heights.

Hunter

I think Alf has pronounced eyebrows, as well. Let me check my stuffed animal in the clos- ... never mind.

"9:16 -- I've seen that leather jacket before, John Ross. I think it's in the Marc Anthony line at Kohl's." HAHA - I want an episode two just for HH's response.