A 2012 Oscars Drinking Game

The 2004 Oscars Telecast

​Hey everyone, who's ready for the annual Hollywood stroke-a-thon hosted by Billy Crystal! Clapping! Mild tears! Montage of people who died!

Anyway, Billy Crystal's skeleton is hosting this year's Oscars. We're sure it'll be a barn burner of joke delight, as the best of Hollywood comes together in their gorgeous clothes in the middle of the used condom that is Hollywood Boulevard. There'll be droll asides, a possible musical interlude and awkward shots of composer John Williams' farty body (he's nominated twice, you see).

Which reminds us: Let's start a drinking game! It's a moral imperative. If you're having a party, maybe you can employ the following rules (or add some of your own in the comments):

If Christian Bale looks vaguely homeless, take a drink.

​If Billy Crystal Makes a Joke About Being Short
Take a drink.

Awkward Cut-Away to George Clooney
Drink.

REALLY Awkward Cut-Away to Christian Bale
Drink.

If Billy Crystal Starts Singing Out of Nowhere
Two quick, rapid succession drinks.

If Billy Crystal References The Godfather
Take a long drink.

If Billy Crystal Makes a Joke about the Oscars Telecast's Length
Do a shot.

Hey, look! Another Awkward Cut-Away to George Clooney
Drink again!

If John Williams wins both Academy Award nominations, take a drink.

​Oscars Speech Gets Fumbled or Cut Off With Sweeping Orchestra
Drink.

When the Old Guy Comes Out to Talk About the Academy
Leave the room and take a drink somewhere else.

If Sacha Baron Coen Ignores His "Oscar Ban"
Take a sip of the best liquor you have.

Silent Movie Jokes!
Take a drink.

Vampire Jokes!
Drink.

Random, Arcane Mike Myers Appearance
Drink.

If Jonah Hill Wins an Oscar
Drink.

Every time the Words Girl, Dragon or Tattoo are Mentioned
Drink.

Every time Steven Spielberg Looks Oppresively Bored
Drink.

Any Mention of Michael Bay's Transformers
Take a drink.

Any Film Footage Billy Crystal Inserts Himself In
Take copious drinks.
(h/t former Observerer Merritt Martin)