A 2012 Oscars Drinking Game

Categories: Film and TV

The 2004 Oscars Telecast
Hey everyone, who's ready for the annual Hollywood stroke-a-thon hosted by Billy Crystal! Clapping! Mild tears! Montage of people who died!

Anyway, Billy Crystal's skeleton is hosting this year's Oscars. We're sure it'll be a barn burner of joke delight, as the best of Hollywood comes together in their gorgeous clothes in the middle of the used condom that is Hollywood Boulevard. There'll be droll asides, a possible musical interlude and awkward shots of composer John Williams' farty body (he's nominated twice, you see).

Which reminds us: Let's start a drinking game! It's a moral imperative. If you're having a party, maybe you can employ the following rules (or add some of your own in the comments):

If Christian Bale looks vaguely homeless, take a drink.
If Billy Crystal Makes a Joke About Being Short
Take a drink.

Awkward Cut-Away to George Clooney

REALLY Awkward Cut-Away to Christian Bale

If Billy Crystal Starts Singing Out of Nowhere
Two quick, rapid succession drinks.

If Billy Crystal References The Godfather
Take a long drink.

If Billy Crystal Makes a Joke about the Oscars Telecast's Length
Do a shot.

Hey, look! Another Awkward Cut-Away to George Clooney
Drink again!

If John Williams wins both Academy Award nominations, take a drink.
Oscars Speech Gets Fumbled or Cut Off With Sweeping Orchestra

When the Old Guy Comes Out to Talk About the Academy
Leave the room and take a drink somewhere else.

If Sacha Baron Coen Ignores His "Oscar Ban"
Take a sip of the best liquor you have.

Silent Movie Jokes!
Take a drink.

Vampire Jokes!

Random, Arcane Mike Myers Appearance

If Jonah Hill Wins an Oscar

Every time the Words Girl, Dragon or Tattoo are Mentioned

Every time Steven Spielberg Looks Oppresively Bored

Any Mention of Michael Bay's Transformers
Take a drink.

Any Film Footage Billy Crystal Inserts Himself In
Take copious drinks.
(h/t former Observerer Merritt Martin)

If you have any more adds to the list, let us know in the comments!
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Bullshit Drinking Game
Bullshit Drinking Game

Oh, man, these just keep getting more and more boring.  I'd try to play this drinking game, but I think I'd pass out from boredom before I even got drunk!  Maybe it'd be a little more fun if I was halfway there before the show even started..


Amazing how young Crystal looks, I mean there's not a single gray hair on his head.  Not one.   Just that purple/black brillo pad. Old timey/silent movie gesticulation is Crystal's sand wedge, expect it within the first minute of monologue.

Bill Lumbergh
Bill Lumbergh

Get plastered by the first commercial break. Got it.

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