Six Reasons Your Band Should Not Play Longer Than Twenty Minutes

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Tom Coates/Flickr

Imagine you're on a date and you're telling a story. It's a long one, but you know it's a winner. Everyone always loves this story. Three quarters of the way to the punch line, you notice a shift in your date's behavior. They're glancing at the door, bouncing their leg or messing with their hair. Do they want a cigarette? Do they need another drink to quell their anxiety? Have they been hit with a bout of explosive diarrhea?

Moments like these separate perceptive and considerate people from torturous, self-indulgent-asshole ones. The first will recognize the proper social cues and say something like, "Hey, let's grab another drink, and I'll finish this in a minute." The latter, however, will continue endlessly flapping their tight red gums, concentrating on themselves and their immediate needs.

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Six Reasons Employers Should Hire Touring Musicians

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Incase/Flickr

In 2014, you should've already figured it out by now: Your dumpy, forgettable band with few fans should be touring. The need to turn your local bar band into a mobile poverty-stricken disaster unit is of utmost importance. It's your chance to see beautiful rolling landscapes, fall in love with people you'll only talk to on the Internet and learn how to comfortably carry yourself onstage. Tour is where baby takes his first steps -- gaining a new, elevated perspective and examining the world with awe while still shitting his pants.

Literally.

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Six Legitimate Reasons to Make Art

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Steven Depolo - Flickr

A factor in the decline of decent art was recently dragged onto center stage by the New York Times in an article called "Brooklyn Communal Cool: The Brand." The piece, authored by a person who spells "mic" like "mike," focuses on a communal-living quarters in Brooklyn called the Clubhouse and its ties to a "new media" company called BKLYN1834. And if you couldn't guess by the fact that somebody started a company without any vowels, it's a bunch of bullshit.

Here's a choice quote that basically sums up the article:

"For our generation of artists, we realize that we are each our own brand, but not everyone knows how to manage this," Mr. Reid said. "Our business is to equip artists with these tools, which feels like a natural, organic progression of what we already do at the Clubhouse."

Amid the swirl of eye-rolls associated with the fraud and fakery of "indie" pop-art and its interaction in a new-media marketplace, we'd like to present to you the six legitimate reasons to make art. (Hint: it has nothing to do with "branding" and everything to do with this Bill Hicks clip.

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Bossferatu and More: Six Awesome Paintings of Musician/Pop Icon Mashups

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Matt Hooker
"David Lee Pan" combines the best of Van Halen and Big Trouble in Little China.
One of the most painful feelings in the world is when you encounter someone who desperately wants you to see their art. If you're not overcome with waves of panic and dread, you're already plotting out all of the ways you can safely compliment something you're expecting to absolutely suck.

Thankfully, there are also those times that someone approaches you with something that is truly fantastic. Back in the early 2000s, a friend asked me to listen to an idea he came up with while in detox. Cringing, I heard to his plan to create a Metallica cover band fronted by the infamous watermelon-smashing prop comic Gallagher. He would call it "Metallagher." While the story of the bizarre thrash-metal/smash-fruit combo act continues, we came across something recently that is equally absurd on a similar level.

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Six Bands I Would Fight if I Could

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Press Photo
Buckcherry, who really should be on this list six times. Especially that second guy from the left, with the sociopatch on his face.
In the most head-shaking article unleashed on the Internet in recent memory, it was revealed that rapper/necrophiliac/federal agent impersonator DMX has been in talks to fight George Zimmerman, the infamous idiot who gunned down young Trayvon Martin. Luckily for humanity and overall decency in general, the fight has been called off after an outpouring of disapproval on social media.

The whole shitshow got me thinking, though, about fighting and musicians and poor taste in general, and which musical artists I would gladly rain blows upon if given the legal chance to do so. To get into the same mindset as I, it would be best to start huffing some rubber cement, put on this Abwärts album and let your glassy eyes read over these six bands that I'd like to fight.

(Oh, and if you happen to be in one of these groups, let's set this shit up. Your move, Buckcherry.)

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Six Badass Flute Bands That Aren't Jethro Tull

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Ian Anderson: Hero to flute-rock enthusiasts everywhere.
I remember in the sixth grade when we were all arbitrarily assigned instruments to learn. It was hell for broke parents who were now forced to buy or rent instruments they knew were just going to collect dust in a broom closet. And it was hell for us kids, as when you are a young boy, everything around you is considered to be a weapon. Myself, I got a trombone that I would use the arm of to smack the kid in front of me. It was relatively neutral and genderless, rendering me safe from Ross, the gigantic twelve-year-old Italian kid with the thin mustache. Others were not so lucky, and had to endure the torment that comes with playing the soft, emasculating flute.

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The Six Vehicles Idiot Criminal Child Justin Bieber Should Be Driving

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt
Music journalism can be a pretty tough gig. Between eating complimentary cheese slices at your friend's bar and the women/men constantly sensually caressing your neck-beard for you, it is sometimes difficult to seek out interesting, topical material. Thank God, then, for Justin Bieber -- that sparkling jewel of ridicule that every music journalist dreams of as they comb bits of cheeseburger out of their chest hair.

As you're certainly aware of by now, His Biebness was recently charged with drunk driving and resisting arrest. While we can certainly relate to the resisting arrest charge (why would mere mortal men attempt to arrest a god?), it's difficult to understand why someone as wealthy as Bieber would be driving around in a simple car with his own two soft, childlike hands.

This week, we explore six vehicles that Justin Bieber probably should have been busted for driving while intoxicated, instead of a stupid car like some idiot poor person.


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The Six Musicians Who Most Love Outer Space

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Thomas Claveirole
Recently, I stopped drinking alcohol for a few weeks due to a severe case of "turning into a tremendously fat man." As a result, I've been compensating by drinking cold press coffee -- a dark, sludgy substance that resembles the loneliness of space. It makes me feel like my brain is made out of tiny shimmering stars. Anyway, in order to keep with the theme of how distant and out of it I'm feeling, I'm doling out a six-sized list of artists from OUTER SPACE.

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Six Songs That Would Make Terrible One Night Stands

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Press photo
Red Hot Chili Peppers, definitely appearing on this list.
Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you're browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult medicine and deep-sea creatures. Whatever weird, dumb thing you're into on the Internet, they've got it. They seem to have the total package.

So you go and meet them at your favorite gastropub, and as you're sipping a glass of some crap with fernet in it, it dawns on you: This person doesn't seem that cool. How can this be? How could you have been snowed so easily based on a first impression?

It's the same, sometimes, with music. The following songs all have brilliant introductions but quickly go on to suck out loud. Listen and wince as the pangs of regret throb in your ears.

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Six People You Should Avoid at All Costs While Forming a Band

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt

Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible. As anyone who's been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed "musician" should instill about as much enthusiasm in you as meeting someone who is going to college for a career in law enforcement. You're either about to talk to a caring, compassionate, intelligent person or a psychotic, self-serving demon. By the analogy, you can probably guess which is more common.

Despite the intense joy we all take in watching a singer refuse to take the stage until the drummer changes his silk western-shirt, there comes a time we must rise up and take a stand. So furrow your brow and focus as we save your sanity by providing six people to avoid when forming a band.


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