The Top 10 Signs You're at a Dad Rock Concert
If you were a dad, you'd probably have circled a certain date on your calendar months ago. (And no, it wasn't Mother's Day, you big silly.) What date is that, you might ask? Why, this coming Saturday, May 17. That's the night that the whole goddamn universe is going to explode because Foreigner is coming to the Verizon Theatre with not just Styx but also Don-fricking-Felder. Yeah, from the Eagles. So put the kids to bed early because Dad's coming home wasted. Or better yet, bring 'em with so they learn a little bit about real music, class-of-1978 style.
Roger Caldwell Steel Panther only wish they were a dad rock band.
In honor of this momentous occasion for dads of North Texas, and to help clarify any potential confusion for concertgoers who missed the Glory Days, we've compiled this handy list of telltale signs that you're attending a dad rock concert.
10. Everyone got to the concert on time.
Because it's punk to be punctual. Dad might have even been a couple minutes early, because his time-management skills are fucking on point. He definitely found the venue with the help of Siri or some other manner of expensive GPS, which Dad constantly uses in a town he's lived in for more than 30 years. (Honestly, have you ever driven around Plano?) Alice Laussade
9. The smell of dip spit overpowers the smell of weed.
Dad snuck in his own spit cup. And so did 5,000 of his dad friends. Your dad isn't against smoking pot, but he does have to party responsibly tonight so that he nails his big presentation tomorrow. Wouldn't want to puke all over his power tie. Of course, if Dad is still living the rebel lifestyle, he wouldn't want to puke on his Sturgis T-shirt either. AL
8. Beer comes in plastic bottles (and that's all anyone's drinking)
They're picnic-, pool- and barbecue-friendly, and in the summertime, they'll fly off gas station shelves faster than you can say, "No, wait, just get cans!" Plastic beer bottles are a cumbersome edition to any party or event, combining the thrill of domestic beer drinking with the look and feel of a soft drink. For some reason, you always look just a little more drunk with one in your hand, but you'll feel like you're at a Rangers game. Vanessa Quilantan
7. Drunken cougar dancing.
Like a voodoo-cursed corpse of an embezzler, older women at concerts become infected by the rhythm and booze around them. And lo, they rise and move their limbs in a herky-jerky fashion that's best described as a cross between being electrocuted and a toddler learning to walk. Unfortunately for you, there's no escaping these ladies' gravitational pull, and you are quickly surrounded by a sea of arms slowly waving in the air, and asses slowly shaking. Jaime-Paul Falcon
6. Everything is about "the troops."
Since the tragedy of 9/11, and the U.S.'s ongoing fight for Freedom, it's become the go-to remedy to erase all memory of "Mission Accomplished." That's why acts past their prime to dedicate everything from a song to the troops, to a special bit of merch where the proceeds go to the troops. You'll also see various troops pulled on stage, stories about special troops, and occasionally moments of silence. Nothing can extend the life of an act like doubling down on the patriotism, and/or going fully nuts. It's called the "Ted Nugent Rule of Staying Relevant." JPF