The Top 10 Signs You're at a Dad Rock Concert

Categories: DC9 at Night

SteelPanther.jpg
Roger Caldwell
Steel Panther only wish they were a dad rock band.
If you were a dad, you'd probably have circled a certain date on your calendar months ago. (And no, it wasn't Mother's Day, you big silly.) What date is that, you might ask? Why, this coming Saturday, May 17. That's the night that the whole goddamn universe is going to explode because Foreigner is coming to the Verizon Theatre with not just Styx but also Don-fricking-Felder. Yeah, from the Eagles. So put the kids to bed early because Dad's coming home wasted. Or better yet, bring 'em with so they learn a little bit about real music, class-of-1978 style.

In honor of this momentous occasion for dads of North Texas, and to help clarify any potential confusion for concertgoers who missed the Glory Days, we've compiled this handy list of telltale signs that you're attending a dad rock concert.

10. Everyone got to the concert on time.
Because it's punk to be punctual. Dad might have even been a couple minutes early, because his time-management skills are fucking on point. He definitely found the venue with the help of Siri or some other manner of expensive GPS, which Dad constantly uses in a town he's lived in for more than 30 years. (Honestly, have you ever driven around Plano?) Alice Laussade

9. The smell of dip spit overpowers the smell of weed.
Dad snuck in his own spit cup. And so did 5,000 of his dad friends. Your dad isn't against smoking pot, but he does have to party responsibly tonight so that he nails his big presentation tomorrow. Wouldn't want to puke all over his power tie. Of course, if Dad is still living the rebel lifestyle, he wouldn't want to puke on his Sturgis T-shirt either. AL

8. Beer comes in plastic bottles (and that's all anyone's drinking)
They're picnic-, pool- and barbecue-friendly, and in the summertime, they'll fly off gas station shelves faster than you can say, "No, wait, just get cans!" Plastic beer bottles are a cumbersome edition to any party or event, combining the thrill of domestic beer drinking with the look and feel of a soft drink. For some reason, you always look just a little more drunk with one in your hand, but you'll feel like you're at a Rangers game. Vanessa Quilantan

7. Drunken cougar dancing.
Like a voodoo-cursed corpse of an embezzler, older women at concerts become infected by the rhythm and booze around them. And lo, they rise and move their limbs in a herky-jerky fashion that's best described as a cross between being electrocuted and a toddler learning to walk. Unfortunately for you, there's no escaping these ladies' gravitational pull, and you are quickly surrounded by a sea of arms slowly waving in the air, and asses slowly shaking. Jaime-Paul Falcon

6. Everything is about "the troops."
Since the tragedy of 9/11, and the U.S.'s ongoing fight for Freedom, it's become the go-to remedy to erase all memory of "Mission Accomplished." That's why acts past their prime to dedicate everything from a song to the troops, to a special bit of merch where the proceeds go to the troops. You'll also see various troops pulled on stage, stories about special troops, and occasionally moments of silence. Nothing can extend the life of an act like doubling down on the patriotism, and/or going fully nuts. It's called the "Ted Nugent Rule of Staying Relevant." JPF


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16 comments
TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Sooner or later all rock is "dad-rock".

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

As a dad, I take umbrage; this article implies that I listened to, liked and still have the need to see Foreigner and Styx.........I moved on in 1981. I also moved on from REO, Skynard, etc; talk about painting a broad stereotype!?  Except for the Plano part; last week it took me nearly 20 minutes to get to The Shops of Legacy! What the what.? 


ps-Any good dad is "burning his eyes out" with Floyd circa 1970 (Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun, If, Careful with that ax Eugene), King Crimson (Court of the Crimson King), Peter Gabriel (featuring the Fairlaine, AND the "Shuttered Gate"), Genesis circa 1974 (Lamb Lies Down), and The Beatles 66.  


We haven't lost all our soul.  WE still like Stax and Sun Records, the GREAT Clarence Gatemouth Brown and Joe Ely; especially the The Joe Ely Band featuring the country stylings of one David Grisson, the county Jimmy Page. 


ps-Not every dad is a lumbering dipshit, that polishes tools and walks from the shed to the garage repetitively. 


Just saying. 

jimmyd3
jimmyd3

1) halford has a shaved head and a goatee 2) tim "ripper" owens was in a tribute band and sang

with JP for several years....

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

sorry you have a problem with "the troops"

but when a tired clichéd band or ANYBODY shows appreciation for these men and women it's about a lot more than 'mission accomplished'

forget politics, you need an adjustment.

ted nugent? every time Kid Rock comes to town, DC9 says I should be there.

his music sucks, but you never mention his support of 'the troops'

most of this article was funny, but if the intent was to piss off an old guy ,well 'mission accomplished'.




reed.reedly
reed.reedly

That was some damn fine writing on display in that article.  Absolute rapid fire hilarity with no wasted comments.  And being from north Texas I can attest to every word being true.

tony537
tony537

"Plastic beer bottles are a cumbersome edition to any party or event"

Addition.

tony537
tony537

"Plastic beer bottles are a cumbersome edition to any party or event"

Addition. Who lets you write things?

JustSaying
JustSaying

I can't remember the last time that I saw glass bottles of any kind at a concert. I don't even know if they are legal anymore.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@ChrisYu  


They give alot; it is KIND of weird to bring them into this? Patriotism is not a fad. I always thought the ideal of patriotism was/is a novel idea; fight for the cause with a beer in hand (not literal)..........Jeesh, you "seent" these kids these days?  They'd sell you down the river for a mind eff'ing X-Box, and a pack of donuts.  Patriotism to them is eating Mcdonald's, and wearing a dumb hat. 

JustSaying
JustSaying

@reed.reedly No wasted comments? I have been to literally hundreds of concerts and never noticed spit cups at any concert other than the outdoor edition of Willie's 4th of July picnic. And the older folks are never the ones that get there early. They are the smart ones that show up around 5 minutes before the performer that they want to see hits the stage. They don't waste time on lines or opening acts. I have already mentioned the plastic bottles error. Nobody sells glass bottles because of the potential liability from broken glass. Hell, they wont even sell plastic bottle with lids on them because they are too easy to fill and throw at somebody. And you see many times more kids rocking a fauxhawk than you do mullets.


You DO see the Tommy Bahama style shirts but usually only at outdoor shows. There are plenty of goatees but not at a higher percentage than you would see at Krogers. This whole list is one large corn bedazzled turd. Maybe you guys should stop going to Toby Keith concerts and branch out.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@reed.reedly  


Was it really that funny? Or are you smoking weed? And Don Felder? He singlehandedly nearly wrecked The Eagles with that guitar wankery.........I prefer the gentle and dulcid country styling's of one B.Leadon. 



ps-As for Foreinger and Styx, that might be the "nana" crowd; but the nasty dancing cougar is spot on.

jimmyd3
jimmyd3

Exactly. No one gives an f if I saw zz 24 times just like no one cares if any one saw dmb 57 times...

reed.reedly
reed.reedly

Sheesh, i didn't take every point as fact for wvery person in the midwest. He was obviously playing on sterotypes for comedic effect that hit too close to home for you guys. Lighten up a little. Can't count how many funny articles i've read where the people of the Pac NW were ribbed using known steretypes as well. Do all men in the NW where socks and sandles? No, but a lot do and I can see the humor in joking about it. I simply like good writing of which there is very little present on the web. He has a nice flow that reads like he's talking in front of you which is something that has to come naturally, it can't be taught. I realize not every Dad in the midwest is like this. Thank you for your concern...

jimmyd3
jimmyd3

I was a paramedic at Willie's picnic several years and they do serve beer in glass bottles because I treated multiple ppl who cut their feet on them......

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