The Five Suburbia Music Festival Acts That Will Most Scare Suburbanites

Categories: Festivals

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SuburbiaMusicFest.Com
These Guys Are More Than Slightly Scary.

Big time festival season is in full bloom. Most weekends this time of year there's someplace in Dallas with a major festival. This month alone there's Psych Fest, Homegrown, and the Houston Free Press Summer Fest, and each on different weekends. But this weekend, arguably the most unlikely township in Texas hosts what will be, whether any city dweller wants to admit it or not, one of 2014's largest-scale, most star-studded affairs. Plano, well north of the hipster-safe Dallas interior loop, hosts the first ever Suburbia Music Festival.

Headlined by Ibeza- and Fergie-approved DJ, David Guetta and anyone-with-a-brain-approved Alabama Shakes, this coming weekend could be a rude awakening for the normally sleepy Oak Point Nature Preserve. But not every artist will be so approachable. So get ready, Plano: These five acts from Suburbia's pleasantly diverse roster will scare you. For real.

5. Ishi - The sex-funkified dance-rock that JT Mudd and crew bring to the stage is infectious. Filthy sex and infections are just too explicit for white-bread suburbia. The impulses that emanate from a suburbanite's nether regions involuntarily will scare other suburbanites around them, causing great discomfort for everyone.


4. Ume - The loud-as-hell Austin rock trio, led by the wonderfully feminine, viciously ferocious Lauren Larsen is as much of a polar opposite of a Stepford-style soccer mom as one can get, at least when she's thrashing on-stage. Loud women, even talented ones, aren't often appreciated in the 'burbs. Scary.


3. Slightly Stoopid - Illiteracy isn't something to joke about, especially in the well-heeled "Who has the best schools?" pissing contests of any self-respecting outer metro. Jokes like that are frightening for many north of LBJ. Forget the spelling of the name, there's nothing slightly stupid about this Cali band's trashcan punch mish-mash of music. It's just stupid, which isn't sick, but sickening.


2. Yelawolf - One can only imagine the pandemonium that will surely ensue should Alabama's Michael Wayne Atha decide to start belting out cuts from his breakthrough mixtape Trunk Muzik (illiteracy alert!). Lord help everyone if he decides to perform "Pop that Trunk." In suburbia, trunks are popped in order to insert youth sporting equipment and Nordstrom shopping bags, not to unload lethal weaponry. And, make no mistake, unlike Yela's mom, who's "in the slaughterhouse with a hatchet," the mothers living near Ikea prefer to let the men process the fine meats they enjoy only after they've been purchased at a local, reputable grocer. Ladies with hatchets and boys that sing about them are not kosher.


1. Third Eye Blind - Because, shouldn't we all be afraid? A fear of hearing "How's it Going to Be" played live is indeed enough to unite urbanites and suburbanites everywhere. Terror shall reign if Stephen Whatshisname scribbles that song onto the band's setlist. May Guetta help us all!


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16 comments
kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

This thing is an utter shitefest!  I had to walk like 400 hundred miles......I should have seen Plano, and festival, and known better. 


BTW, no "festival crowd" was evident; mostly +ssholes, slobs and "brah" types with Polo's. So many brah's, just being totally extreme.  We walked behind a group of twenty somethings (that ALL looked like J. Bieb) for 40 minutes that talked about fighting sharks, vacationing in Cabo, fighting with Mexican drug cartels, rap, etc.


#worstgeneration


ps-Do you think my grandfather that had his leg blown off in The Big One would appreciate such wanton waste, and lazy, girly bravado? 

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

This thing is an utter shitefest!  I had to walk like 400 hundred miles......I should have seen Plano, and festival, and known better. 


BTW, no "festival crowd" was evident; mostly +ssholes, slobs and "brah" types with Polo's. So many brah's, just being totally extreme.  We walked behind a group of twenty something for 40 minutes that talked about fighting sharks, vacationing in Cabo, fighting with Mexican drug cartels, rap, etc.


#worstgeneration

GAA214
GAA214

INT: Plano

                            (Tanner)


 OMG Logan tell Skylar there is a festival in town.  


                            (Logan)


Let's hope the grand dragons priced it right. I would hate to see minorities in our hood.  


                            (Skylar)

For sure.   

Skylar snorts a powdery white substance off a mirror with a rolled up one hundred dollar bill.  

let0062
let0062

WARNING : Suburbia Music Festival is not offering any place to fill up water inside. Your only option is $4 water to purchase. The high today is 91 degrees. The EMTs are complaining about lack of access to water too. People die at festivals for similar reasons all the time, you think this festival would be more responsible. This is incredibly dangerous.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Walked the site today with the Kerg's daughter; looks really cool!  

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

it's Dearmore, and you expected what? He once told me The Dixie Chicks or a guy that wrote one of "they" songs was Americana; guy couldn't tell a Buick from Honda!

sdlsl22
sdlsl22

Ugh. This article is just careless and lacks any substance.


Can't you at least watch the videos before you put them in the article? The Slightly Stoopid video is some random middle school/high school kids singing. And the Third Eye Blind video is some random guy teaching how to play one of TEB's songs.



thechris104
thechris104

Can't wait to hear KILLER MIKE rap "I'm glad Reagan's dead" in a Plano park.

JalopenoGrigio
JalopenoGrigio

Here's a bunch of white bands that will scare the white people in Plano. 

mm32
mm32

Not to mention that the overall tone of the article is way more about making fun of Plano and suburbanites, than flaming any of the music.  Reading comprehension much?

duh.
duh.

It really is amazing how little research it takes to learn that Kelly Dearmore is not a female. Way to go, author flamers.

mmcctag
mmcctag

Kelly Dearmore is a slightly stupid... she probably would much rather have Le Freak... once again...or Kelly Clarkson. Im surprised The Observer runs her bs...

castingthestone
castingthestone

Regardless of your other musical opinions, listing Third Eye Blind as the #1 scariest live act legitimizes the entire article. Have you fucking heard them outside of a studio?!

goodwc72
goodwc72

After reading this I decided to read more of "Kelly Dearmore" articles, She literally has the worst taste in music possible and goes far beyond being biased. If you enjoy music, please do not read this article or any of hers as it will just upset you as she talks trash about quality musicians because they most likely are not up to her super christian standards. BTW Slightly Stoopid is an amazingly talented band and uses a very wide range of instruments I can guarantee 95% of the people that see them live will enjoy it. "Kelly Dearmore" I Hate you and your lack of musical knowledge.

KellyDearmore
KellyDearmore

@goodwc72  Indeed, I am all man. I agree Slightly Stoopid uses a wide range of instruments, hence my reference to their "trashcan punch mish-mash." See, I know what I'm talking about. Also, what is a "super christian standard"? Sounds really boring, which Slightly Stoopid would seem to exceed, if that is the case...

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