6 Reasons People Want to Have Sex with Musicians

Categories: Columns

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Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

Lucky for you there are experts out here who are willing to explore these issues and state the hard-hitting facts without consulting nerdy, wallflower scientists. Below, we bless you with six reasons why all people are programmed to lust over musicians.

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Look at this guy. He looks like a desperate trophy wife trying to seduce you with a Jacuzzi and blackberry brandy. And yet, the ladies still love him.

6. Musicians Will Have Sex With You

We all do a lot of pretty dumb things for attention, locked as we are in the eternal struggle to think well of ourselves. So alas, there are plenty of people who use being an artist as an accessory, in the same way you might see greasy, insecure bags of shit speeding down residential neighborhood streets in their $40,000 cars. Many musicians bleed and ooze this same insecurity in every self-absorbed interaction.

That, my friends, means they will probably have sex with you. They're easy targets.

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Buzz from the Melvins once called Ozzy a buck-toothed mummy, and he wasn't wrong. And yet still, Ozzy has had sex at least enough times to produce two horrible children.

5. People Are Impressed By Things They Can't Do

There's this mind-numbingly simple concept that the entire world seems mystified by: If you want to do something, you have to try to do it. But because people are so reluctant to embrace their fear of failure or looking stupid, most people do nothing themselves. Instead, they idolize and impart some sort of magical values on people who do the things they wish they were doing.

Example: According to 2013 figures from the National Institute of Mental Health, 5.3 million people report a having a social phobia. A miserable, marginally talented jobber stands up on a stage and displays something personal, transforming him into a demigod as powerful as Gozer the Gozerian for millions of people. Only instead of destroying the world, he gets laid sometimes.

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