Miley Cyrus Played Dallas Last Night, Really Needs to Calm Down About Her Vagina

Categories: Last Night

MileyCyrus_Mezeul-27.jpg
Mike Mezeul

A dark arena illuminates with a 60-foot specter of Miley Cyrus' head floating independent from her body. Her giant, LED-emblazoned eyeballs glare into a sea of mostly 18- to 21-year-old female faces, as her pupils saunter in opposite directions. The crowd roars and shrieks as her lips begin to part, and her mouth opens, extending well past her jaw.

See Also: All the photos from Miley's Dallas show

Cheers grow louder as an enormous, curved pink tongue slinks out and down past her distended chin. A crescendo from the band and Miley appears inside of her own mouth. She lets out an impassioned "Woooo!" and slides down the curvature of her own tongue as the red and white feathered epaulettes on her leotard flutter. In one fell swoop, she sticks the landing with the fervor of a competitive cheerleader, plants her hand on her hip and lets out one of those cascading Disney-brand pageant-girl waves. Same old Miley. The glint in her eyes says "HEY Y'ALL" in her instantly recognizable Southern drawl. Then she rubs her vagina and books it to her mark downstage. It's Bangerz time, bitches.

See also: How Kanye West Changed the Message of His Yeezus Tour in Dallas

This is a starlet who wants you to know that she is grown up now, and if you didn't get the memo she's going to shove her cooch in your face until you do. But the more of Miley we see, the more desensitized we become to her sexuality. The more we see her tits on Terry Richardson's tumblr, the less we care. We have come to expect her to Instagram photos of her scale-model fist dildo, so it barely breaks the news cycle when she does. Anyone can spread their legs and call it their art.

The first half of her set last night at the American Airlines Center featured predominantly new songs from Bangerz. The theatrics were pretty staggering. Some of it was cool, like the gold chrome lowrider that she writhed on as money cannons fired into the crowd, and someone in an enormous Big Sean mascot suit vamped the crowd during his verse on "Love Money Party." Some of it was bizarre, like Ren and Stimpy-style cartoon animation depicting a naked Miley frolicking and twerking with animals in the wild. She even broke out the old Erotica tour bit, and did a number while thrashing around and fondling her backup dancers on a giant bed.

The fact that Miley's big reinvention single, "We Can't Stop," was originally written for Rihanna speaks volumes to our conundrum with Miley's newfound slutwave. Her vocal talent is astounding; she's got the stuff. Rihanna is hampered by an often flat, inflexible range and lungs lined with blunt guts. Sure, Miley's trademark Southern drawl is beginning to sound like if Butters from South Park was blowing down a quarter pound a day. But Miley doesn't need to fall back on crotch shots.

Bangerz, though. Bangerz does.


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33 comments
KEVINK8
KEVINK8

If people pay to be entertained by this, so be it. They're certainly not paying me eighty dollars a throw to watch my so called passage to China under the big lights. So, 'scuse me while I continue to watch the officially sanctioned and corporate sponsored LiLo meltdown on OWN.

RevZafod
RevZafod

Sad to say, Bill Hicks died of pancreatic cancer before she happened, but he predicted it.  His projected show was called "Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus" and something about before he spreads his cracker spawn, now called Miley.  Bill Hicks;  you left us way too soon.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Comment about 300 pound frau's has been erased by commenter; gotta love self censorship!  She's great huh?  Like Alice Cooper great, or Abe Lincoln great.....we are doomed as a country.   Our 18 year old's used to fight on battle ships, and now he laud this drivel? 

JustSaying
JustSaying

Every now and then a show comes through Dallas that just begs to have the doors locked and an airstrike called in. This was one of those shows.

liz.mckinney
liz.mckinney

Charli XCX?? YUCK. Bangerz is a FUN album meant for fun, easy going people. the best thing about Bangerz is how different each song is. i love miley's open-mindedness. i dont see any other mainstream pop artists exposing such deserved artists as the flaming lips, john kricfalusi, todd james, alt-j, bob dylan, irma thomas, dolly, etc. - to a whole new generation of kids. i'm too old to know anything about hannah montana, but this show looks like one gigantic party. reminiscent of the 2010-ish flaming lips shows, but w more money & vagina ;) LOVE. MONEY. PARTY.

mallory.k.mccall
mallory.k.mccall

The show was fukn incredible. Dudes have been grabbin their junk on stage for decades. I'm glad a tremendous, talented, vulnerable, genuine young lady is grabbin hers. FUKN BANGERZ!

Amanda
Amanda

...too much ego will kill your talent! As Brad Paisley said "no matter what you do, people think you're cool 'cause your on TV"

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Nothing against the ladies in these photos, but, does she intentionally hire chubby dancers to make her look better, or something?

darrylrs
darrylrs

untalented tramp music made for morons. what Dylan song did she desecrate? 

tessarenill
tessarenill

Yikes calm down the hate. The show was awesome and everyone else had a great time. Miley is a fantastic performer.

choderus
choderus

Nothing wrong with a little heft.

avsw91
avsw91

@TheCredibleHulk  "nothing against the ladies in these photos, but they are huge hippos and i dont like them" hahahaha

esther
esther

@darrylrs Her Dylan cover was amazing and showed promise of another direction her career could have taken, somewhere more soulful and emotionally resonant and mature.

darrylrs
darrylrs

@tessarenill  the fact that "everyone" had a great time doesn't make this kind of music any less vacant. Miley is basically soft core porn made by a rather unattractive person. She'll be forgotten soon.

ricktown
ricktown

@tessarenill  Hate? He applauded multiple parts of the performance and criticized other aspects. Sounds like a well-written, honest, balanced article to me. 

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@mallory.k.mccall @TheCredibleHulk  

I don't disagree. I prefer a woman with some curves, myself and have never been a fan of the twigs that seem to populate the universe of popular entertainment.

As far as dancers go, though, the girls in these photos aren't your stereotypical body-type, and I wonder if it is intentional.

I didn't say "tub-o", YOU did.

pete234
pete234

@darrylrs @tessarenill If there is one thing that is not going to happen it's Miley, or the litany of other celebutards inundating American media, television and culture, leaving anytime soon. I don't claim to have a great affinity for Miley but she is here to stay for a while. People have been saying the Kardashians and others are just flashes in the pan for years too and they only seem to be taking a tighter grip on American culture. The technological advances of the past 30 years have been insane with the advent of the computer and human nature mixed with the new American dream of fame has dumbed down the populous to near lowest common denominator and primal urge. I am as guilty as any of indulging in these forms of entertainment but I do know where to go when I want more soul, refinement and intelligence. You have to seek those things out yourself now a days as they are not readily available in most of the mainstream media, music or supposed arts.

pete234
pete234

@darrylrs @tessarenill There is no way she will be forgotten soon. I don't claim to have a large affinity for Miley so I am not speaking as a "fan" but people have been saying that about the Kardashians and a ton of other celebutards. Most are still around and constantly in the media or gossip media forefront. It's insane how dumbed down the American populous has become and I don't think we will see that change anytime soon. If you want intelligent, sophisticated, soulful music, writing, art, etc you have to seek it out yourself. That being said I enjoy a good amount of mindless candy like entertainment and music, but I know where to go when I want more.


TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@ChrisYu @TheCredibleHulk  

Since I am feeling kinda' diplomatic on this one, I'll restrain myself from giving my opinion of the intelligence level of her audience.

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

@TheCredibleHulk  well I'm not feeling so diplomatic. those dancers are fat, and those people buying tickets are idiots. 

J_A_
J_A_

Trying to make sense of this show is futile, Hulk. The answer is "cuz, like, fukn bangerz!".

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@mallory.k.mccall @TheCredibleHulk  

No worries, "chubby" probably wasn't the best word to use to express my meaning.

I'm not a fan of Miley, but I have a certain degree of respect for anyone that can get up on stage and perform in front of a crowd, I know it isn't easy to do.

And, people can say what they want about her, but she's got to have something people want to see or hear if she can consistently pack arenas like the AAC.

pete234
pete234

@darrylrs @tessarenill Jeez I thought my first post didn't post and typed a whole new reply up only to just see my first response posted. I hate it when that happens. I want my five minutes back. :)


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