Band Seeks Dallas Human: The Dating Profiles of Groups in Town for Valentine's Day

Categories: Previews

Zara Walsh
Rebirth Brass Band at the Granada late last year. They'll be in Fort Worth on Valentine's Day.
There's something in the air this week besides Wintery Mix. It's almost Valentine's Day, that magical time of year where even really solid romantic gestures seem tacky and contrived. But hey: Everyone deserves a little love. And a whole bunch of bands are choosing North Texas this year.

So open up your heart and let a group of strangers with instruments and microphones in. Here's what's on the market.

Name: Bell Biv Devoe (Saturday at Verizon Theater)
Seeking: A big butt and a smile.
For: A night of New Jack Swinging.
Age: Ain't nothin' but a number.
Location: Beantown, Massachusetts.
Interests: Dope bikinis, funky beats, and neon knee pads.
Turn Ons: Ghetto booties, video queens, and poison (the good kind).
Turn Offs: Granny panties, wack dancing skills, and poison (the STD kind).
Perfect First Date: A dimly lit dinner on the harbor, dessert in the jacuzzi, and a midnight snack of smackin' it up, flippin' it up, and rubbin' it down.

Name: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony (Thursday at Trees)
Seeking: A come up.
For: To creep on.
Age: Timeless.
Location: The crossroads of your heart.
Interests: Staying high.
Turn Ons: Girls who can freak a Black N Mild.
Turn Offs: Snitches, cracked Swishers, and the LAPD.
Perfect First Date: Just a nice relaxing day on the front porch. You braid our hair and roll our weed, and we take care of your car note after a quick run.

Name: Dom Kennedy (Saturday at Trees)
Seeking: Your mama.
For: To tell her she's going to have a grandson.
Age: 29.
Location: Leimert Park, Los Angeles.
Interests: Hanging with dudes on the Dodgers, hanging with dudes that will rob you.
Turn Ons: Your girl with the cute face, her friend with the nice body.
Turn Offs: Your voicemail.
Perfect First Date: I doesn't really care what you do, as long as you make my eggs with turkey bacon in the morning.

Name: Neutral Milk Hotel (Saturday at Majestic Theatre)
Seeking: Someone who wants to listen, but not look.
For: A long-distance relationship, no matter where in the world we both actually are.
Age: Is something that happens to us all. *world-weary sigh*
Location: A run-down shack in the wilderness.
Interests: Saw solos, WW2 biographies, staying in.
Turn Ons: Terrifyingly graphic psycho-sexual poetry.
Turn Offs: Popular music.
Perfect First Date: Twelve years after the date we had originally set.

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