The Six Vehicles Idiot Criminal Child Justin Bieber Should Be Driving
Music journalism can be a pretty tough gig. Between eating complimentary cheese slices at your friend's bar and the women/men constantly sensually caressing your neck-beard for you, it is sometimes difficult to seek out interesting, topical material. Thank God, then, for Justin Bieber -- that sparkling jewel of ridicule that every music journalist dreams of as they comb bits of cheeseburger out of their chest hair.
All illustrations by Dave Watt
As you're certainly aware of by now, His Biebness was recently charged with drunk driving and resisting arrest. While we can certainly relate to the resisting arrest charge (why would mere mortal men attempt to arrest a god?), it's difficult to understand why someone as wealthy as Bieber would be driving around in a simple car with his own two soft, childlike hands.
This week, we explore six vehicles that Justin Bieber probably should have been busted for driving while intoxicated, instead of a stupid car like some idiot poor person.
6. A Helicopter Powered by the Stolen Souls of Children
Sometimes you've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. And sometimes you've got to steal a few million children's souls in order to ascend to the status of the second-most followed person on Twitter, despite having little to no discernible talent. If Biebulator's crew was really looking out for his best interests, they would have built him a whirlybird powered by the same arcane fuel as the star himself. Then when the heat closed in, he could've simply blasted into the comfort of the skies and gotten drunk as hell with an army of evil birds.
I'll say that again, in case it was unclear: Justin Bieber literally, undeniably subsists off of the souls of children. Wouldn't it be more convenient for him if his transportation could do the same?
5. A Bicycle Constructed from the Bones of People Who Killed Themselves While Listening to Him
Bieber could have scored major points with both the eco-friendly and M.A.D.D. crowds -- and maybe smoothed over this whole fiasco -- if he would have simply been riding around on a bicycle made from the bones of people who couldn't take it anymore and gave up living as a consequence of his music. Eager to impress the "Bastard Shit Prince of Pop," his fans probably wouldn't even make him pay for the bones of the woman who lost the will to live after her granddaughter wouldn't stop listening to "Mistletoe." After he got bored of biking around on a bicycle made of the deceased, he could pay to have a golf club crafted from the infamous Russian mystic Rasputin's oversized penis, because why not? He's Justin Goddamn Bieber, you fool. He can afford it.