Grading the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's Class of 2014

Categories: Commentary

rockreportcard560.jpg
Artwork by Tatiana Craine

A few weeks have passed since we found out who will be officially inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in April. Which means enough time has passed for the migraines and projectile vomiting to have subsided.

Here's a scorecard for the inductees of the Class of 2014. First to note, using the words "class" and "Kiss" in the same sentence should get you sent to an asylum for three days of observation. Ready? OK then. I've done them in order, from the ones who make sense to those who were seemingly picked by that mythic group of monkeys chained to typewriters.

By Peter Gerstenzang


1) NIRVANA - GRADE: A+

An obvious choice but the right one. Not only were these guys great, they sported one of the best songwriters of the past 25 years. And, without any hype, the band tapped into the psyches of millions of listeners, because its members felt you needed to know more about the details of real life than the merits of twerking. Only concern? The night the band performs for the ceremony, it will be fronted by Eddie Vedder -- which will require an onscreen interpreter, for the hearing impaired. And everybody else.

2) PETER GABRIEL - GRADE: A-

At his best, Gabriel took the dreaded term "art rock" and made it compact, tuneful and compelling. As opposed to, say, Yes, which made a three-record set I put on in 1973 and still haven't finished playing. Gabriel took the best elements of sophisticated music and straight-ahead rock, and, for a while, got them to coexist without trying to gouge each others' eyes out. Reservations? He puts an album out about every eleven years, and every one of them contains a version of "In Your Eyes." It's a good thing Gabriel's getting in now, because he's been running on fumes for years, and a Miley Cyrus duet gets closer every fucking day.

3) HALL AND OATES - GRADE: B+

A really good singles band, and I love the controversy its inclusion must be causing, considering there are rock critics out there who have more anger and skepticism about this band than conspiracy theorists do about the Warren Commission. If you don't like "Rich Girl," "You Make My Dreams Come True" and "She's Gone," I feel inestimably sorry for you. On the downside? The band never really made a great album that hangs together conceptually. But it is fun, and Daryl Hall has that one essential trait that every frontman must possess in order to achieve superstardom. That's right: great hair!

4) LINDA RONSTADT - GRADE: B

As Yogi Berra use to say so sagely, "I feel strongly both ways" about Ms. Ronstadt. On the plus side, when she sang ballads as gorgeous as "Prisoner in Disguise" or "Heart Like a Wheel," you cried so hard you used up your own sleeve and had to wipe your nose on the arms of total strangers. She sold a ton of records. She was as easy on the eyes as a lunar eclipse. On the downside? There's her musical eclecticism, which was often so self-destructive, it made Evel Knievel look like a CPA. Her singing on those standards albums was often stiffer than Keith Richards' after two bottles of gin. Speaking of Keef, one of my worst nightmares use to be that Ronstadt would cover (and crucify) "Tumblin' Dice." Then she did. And I've believed in nightmares ever since. Thanks a lot, Linda.

Continue to page two for more.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
10 comments
DNoble
DNoble

I find it interesting that you immediately go to burning crosses as a means of retaliation for criticizing KISS.  Given that such an act is associated with the KKK, it should be alarming to your boss that you would think of that first.


That aside, your criticism of KISS is laughable, for their inclusion in the Hall of Fame doesn't require in defense from fans, as the band is clearly endorsed by the voices that matter.  In 1998 VH1 aired a week long special listing the 100 Greatest Artists of Rock & Roll, as decided by the artists themselves (over 600 musicians were polled with 728 nominees).  And KISS was on the list. 


Perhaps you are just anti-Semitic (YOU did suggest cross burning as retaliation).

Fred-dorfman76
Fred-dorfman76

Having a hall of fame for music is about as un rock and roll as it gets.

rhudspeth
rhudspeth

"Gene Simmons once wrote a whole song about anal sex"


is that bad?  wasn't one of the first rock & roll songs ever about anal sex? ("Tutti Frutti")


meh, say what you want about KISS, but they are by far the most "rock & roll" of all the inductees. if you take the dumb and anal sex out of rock & roll you're left with Phil Collins solo records.

charleszkane
charleszkane

Ronstadt and Nirvana A+. Ronstadt about f!%*!#/ time. She sang like a wet dream. Clear, straight on interpretations, the best musicians backing her -time for her detractor (Dave Marsh - the worst rock journalist Iin history) to surrender.

thechuckwilliams
thechuckwilliams

With no help? I'm pretty sure Nirvana hit it big because of MTV and that awesome Smells Like Teen Spirit video...

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

they take Madonna out to make room for Cat Stevens then I'm good with it. really neither of them belong there, the whole thing became a joke a long time ago. still some glaring exclusions from the early years.

paulpsycho78
paulpsycho78

Im Holland Oates, youll be Peter Gabriel.

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...