Six People You Should Avoid at All Costs While Forming a Band

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt

Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible. As anyone who's been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed "musician" should instill about as much enthusiasm in you as meeting someone who is going to college for a career in law enforcement. You're either about to talk to a caring, compassionate, intelligent person or a psychotic, self-serving demon. By the analogy, you can probably guess which is more common.

Despite the intense joy we all take in watching a singer refuse to take the stage until the drummer changes his silk western-shirt, there comes a time we must rise up and take a stand. So furrow your brow and focus as we save your sanity by providing six people to avoid when forming a band.

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Dave Watt

6. Attractive Tattoo Asshole

We all know this person -- the charismatic, almost accidentally fashionable and uncompromising artist who poetically suffers by refusing to adapt to society. And has a shitload of tattoos, for some reason.

Truth be told, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is a great social companion. Their flashy appearance and gregarious nature makes them a constant spectacle. If you've ever wanted to get into a hundred conversations with a hundred people you'll never want to see again, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is your greatest ally.

Unfortunately, the narcissism they've cultivated to protect their fragile egos usually leads to some sort of nuclear friendship fallout as you learn they're the kind of person that will ditch you at the bar to go have sex with one of your friends. In your bed. Eventually, you'll start to wonder how such a struggling artist managed to get thousands of dollars of ink all over their body. That's when you notice you're missing some of your guitar pedals.

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Dave Watt

5. Americana Reject

I could write a long and articulate passage on the problem with the Americana Reject, but I'm just going to stick to the initial notes I penned when writing up the first draft of this article:

"Boring coffee-drinking ass, hang out in your artisan cocktail bar. Can't even play the accordion. Fedoras suck".


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2 comments
ChangingF8
ChangingF8

Guitarist with absolutely no rhythm. I don't expect you to have impeccable timing, but if you are constantly losing the rhythm in the middle of the song it makes the drums, and everything else, sound horrid. It also makes me quit your band.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

I was once associated with a truly talented bass player. True to your profile here, he was sought after by nearly every half-decent band in town and really, really loved to play live music, so he hosted a couple of open-mics each week as well.

Yeah, not nearly enough of him to go around. We called him Mr. Bandwrench because every band he stepped into was instantly better due to his musical insight and his rock solid rhythm.

Like most good thing, though, he was too soon gone. Rest In Peace, Matt. 

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