"Roar" by Katy Perry: Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.

Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums. "Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks:

Atmospherics: It sounds like Katy Perry heard "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and really, really liked it a lot and so she tried to make it herself.

It's not unlike the time one of my sons watched a video of a crocodile eating a deer and was like, "OH FUCK, DADDY! I WANNA BE A CROCODILE!" And so he ran upstairs and two minutes later screamed for me to come and when I got there he was standing all the way naked except for the plastic bag that he had hanging betwixt his butt cheeks. "I'M A CROCODILE," he shouted. "DO YOU SEE MY TAIL?" He wasn't a crocodile and that wasn't a tail. He was a jackass with a Kroger bag wedged into his tiny butt.

"Roar" is basically that: a plastic bag wedged into Katy Perry's butt. That's a little thing called a perfect metaphor.

Analysis: The song is about standing up for yourself, which I guess is fine enough. But three pretty dark and nasty things get revealed about her in the video:

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1. Katy Perry is ungrateful

She and a handsome man are in the jungle following a plane crash. The handsome man is boldly leading Katy Perry through the jungle, attempting to find rescue. Katy Perry is for some reason not feeling him. So she begins to sing about never arguing or causing any sort of fuss in the relationship.

That's when a tiger springs out and eats the handsome man, Katy Perry is barely shaken at all. As she more or less sings: "HAHAHAHAHA. In your face, bitch. Oh, by the way, I'm standing up for myself now! Because you're dead. Because that tiger just ate you."

Lady bros, just a quick tip: If your boyfriend/fiance/husband is doing something you don't like -- watching a dumb TV show or not putting his dirty dishes away or whatever -- you don't have to feed him to an animal. Just be like, "Yo, homie. Can you not do that please?" He'll be like, "Alright, cool." Boom. Relationship fixed, and nobody dies.

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2. Katy Perry isn't that great at hunting

Katy Perry makes friends with a monkey. The monkey's like, "Yo, why don't you use your heel to make a spear," which is pretty goddamn smart, really. She's like, "Good idea." She makes the spear and the monkey is like, "Fuckin' a, bro. We're eating good tonight." Then Katy Perry goes hunting....


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8 comments
gmichael52
gmichael52

There was a time when pop music wasn't played in public places- we need to go back to that time. I can't recall how many times I walked into a store and was subjected to this piece of $hit excuse of a song. 

juanmayeaux
juanmayeaux

She might not be a great singer, but she has killer, natural TITTS!!!

SugarCzar
SugarCzar

Isn't this more of a critique of the music video sucking rather than the song itself? I mean now don't get me wrong, I agree that the song sucks some major donkey nuts, as the usual Katy Perry fare does, but still... I could have used more gritty slams about her lyric quality being uninspired and her singing voice being completely replaceable by about 75% of the female population of the USA.

msbcez
msbcez

lol not the first chick ive heard act catty at katy!  Every chick with self esteem issues loves hating on successful women, because they look good and show off to much or for whatever reason they can dream up!
Dispite Katy Perrys  skimpy attire, the girls got serious talent, probably one if not the most talented female vocalist of the last 10 years, cranking out chart topping hit after hit in a relatively short time. So regardless of her past as a Christian singer, and her being smart enough to ditch it and go mainstream to increase her chance of success(yeah why would she wanna do that). Or whatever else you can whine about cause your ass has more divots than a golf course, Katy Perry flat out sounds good. And her videos are entertaining and humorous!

craftygirl28
craftygirl28

He crashed her in jungle and she turned into a tiger and ate him. That's what tigers do. They eat meat. She would have died. Duh.

Steve
Steve

She's a singer?

JustSaying
JustSaying

@msbcez The writer is a guy, genius. And spellcheck is your friend.

msbcez
msbcez

@JustSaying @msbcez Oh my bad he comes across as a girl, is he your boyfriend is that how you know hes male? Plus of course ive only met girls named shea, though I suppose it could be a good name for a gay man as well...................
Fuck spell check lol, ive seen half of the articles at this website use worse grammar!

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