Fun Fun Fun Fest First Impressions: Disney Covers and Twinkie Massages
Hello from Fun Fun Fun Fest, where everyone is far too cool for flannel and the bike parking is the first thing to hit capacity! Maybe that's just hello from Austin. Either way:
Kiernan Maletsky Not selling anything, as far as I know.
3:20 p.m. The centerpiece of the festival is a series of skate ramps that appear to be open to the skateboard-toting public. There's a 12-year-old with long hair and a t-shirt that says "Hang Loose" with a photo of Mickey Mouse in a noose. That's probably a reference to something I'm too old/lame for.
3:32 p.m. The giant, plush Twinkie mascot is giving massages. He's big and smiling toothily and wearing a cowboy hat and shaped like a dong.
3:33 p.m There are trees everywhere in Auditorium Shores, the exceptionally accommodating park on the river where this festival is held. There are bean bags stacked against them -- big and hefty and dark green. When the Tea Party invades, we will use them as sandbag barricades and launch tacos with malicious intent.
3:35 p.m. a flavor of lemonade has been crossed out and replaced with "CUCUMBER-KALE." We are not in Dallas any more.
3:40 p.m. Mac DeMarco is playing a jangly pop cover of Rammstein's renowned crowd-pleaser "Du Hast." Has a guitarist in a bright orange bobble hat ever played Rammstein before? It's a question for the ages.
3:42 p.m. A man coughs on me as he passes. In this age of modern warfare, he is almost certainly a terrorist. I make a note to eliminate him.
Kiernan Maletsky Rock & Roll: Not a team sport.
3:45 p.m. Over at the Yellow Stage, a delightfully-quiffed man in dressing gown that could politely be described as "loosely applied" is taking part in a mock trial to decide whether or not he is a bad influence on a 12-year old called Diane Sawyer. No relation. His dressing gown screams guilt.
3:55 p.m. Mac DeMarco is now covering "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."
3:50 p.m. Cat shirt t-shirt count: 2
4:00 p.m. Three gigantic F's, made from false lego and somehow italicized despite the clear presence of gravitational forces, are just a front for selling candy, it turns out. Note from Kiernan: They're actually selling Luden's. Why Gavin thinks Luden's is candy is either because he's British or a sign that he should quit smoking.
4:05 p.m. Talking of fronts for things, the media tent contains two dozen identical signed guitars and a huge sign for Absolut vodka. It is also clearly not the media tent, despite a sign proclaiming it to be so. Confusion reigns as the sudden prospect of no wi-fi sends dozens of journalists into a tailspin destined to end at the nearby cocktail bar.
4:10 p.m. A baby with ear protection on is rocking out to Austin's The Impossibles from the side of the Black Stage. He is adorable, although it is impossible to tell how much of the rocking is him or his mother holding him.
4:13 p.m. A man stops another man with a neck tattoo. "Excuse me -- I just have to tell you. You have my favorite Instagram feed. Can I take a picture with you?" Guess where he's posting that.
4:20 p.m. Big Freedia is wandering the grounds, shooting Queen of Bounce. Just so you know.