Ten Things That Piss Off Your Door Guy

Categories: Commentary

doorguy1.jpg
Photo: Erik Hess
[Editor's note: The Door Guy dispenses advice for our sister blog Gimme Noise]

The Door Guy. He's seen and heard it all. Pukes puking. Bros fighting. Liars lying about the guest list to get by him. Drunks falling. Your "Turn up!" is his "Calm down!" Frankly, he hates you. Here are ten reasons why you can't blame him.

Your Public Sex
Seriously. It happens. And, ew. It's worst in big clubs with lots of nooks and crannies. Nobody wants to glance over to a private, discreet dark corner during their favorite band playing and see people banging. But people's definition of "private" and "discreet" get pretty loose by the end of an evening, and suddenly, that naughty turn-on you might experience finding a hidden spot to get dirty just turns into people averting their eyes and pretending they aren't seeing what they're actually seeing. For real. Ew.

But more important than the total ew factor is that when people go to bars and night clubs, they drink. And sometimes they drink until they make bad decisions, and sometimes they drink until they aren't capable of making decisions. Which means that when you and your special friend for the next five minutes get caught awkwardly trying to maintain an erection while not knocking over a barstool, any door guy or bouncer in town isn't going to know if what's happening is two people having consensual (but totally gross) sex or something else. Yuck. Don't do it. If you see it, tattle.

Your Impossible Expectations
On the topic of tattling, the Door Guy is not omnipotent, and he cannot be everywhere at once. There's no such thing as instant response time, and sometimes things that shouldn't happen still happen. When it does, it is absolutely not a negative reflection on the venue or its staff. Random acts of oral or violence are exactly that -- random.

doorguy2.jpg
Photo by Erik Hess
What's right with this picture? No one is using their face as a wallet. Thank you.

Your Icky Mouth
It doesn't matter if it's the hottest day of summer or the deadest day of winter -- if your hands are full of your fixie's saddle bags or you're just trying to peel off seven layers of gloves, please, for the love of God, don't put your ID, your ticket, or your money in your mouth. Your mouth is not a convenient caddy when your hands are otherwise occupied. It is a disgusting germ factory full of filth. When you put something in it that is going to be in the Door Guy's hand five seconds later, yeah, THIS IS WHY THE HE HATES YOU.



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7 comments
Steve
Steve

Door guys, and every single person that goes to places with door guys, are dicks.

wjnphoto
wjnphoto

this is article is why most people hate the door guy... if he doesn't like what is job entails or who has to deal with, then maybe it's time they looked for another job. seriously. YOU DEAL WITH DRUNKS. I'm sorry that you have such high expectations from drunk people but citing off a bunch of reasons why they hater customers doesn't make it any better. it doesn't inform anybody. Door guys and bouncers are there for one reason and one reason only, to help the owners avoid liability and insurance issues. YOU ARE A DOOR GUY. Get over yourself. You can be replaced in a heartbeat with some big college kid  or muscle head who has nothing else to do on his weekends and the club won't miss a step in your absence. if you think otherwise, then you're naive.

MattL11
MattL11

@Steve Most (all?) places that have concerts also have door guys. 

J_A_
J_A_

She's pregnant and you old as fck!

J_A_
J_A_

Door man! Door man! Door man!

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