Here's The Extra Crap That Better Come With Those $350 Mumford and Sons Tickets
You love Mumford & Sons. You can't believe they're actually bringing their faces to Dallas on Wednesday, September 18th. Your favorite radio hit is that one where they play the flugelhorn really hard for like a full minute straight because it reminds you of how awesome Dave Matthews Band is when they shred.
OH MAN. FLUGELHORN AND FUNNEL CAKES.
Somehow, you didn't buy your tickets to their concert yet, and it's officially sold out. But, worry not, friend. There are still plenty of tickets available to their Gexa Energy Pavilion show on the secondary market. And some of those tickets are going for a mere $350. You'd better get those while you still can-- they're priced that high because they're obviously the best seats in the house: they're really far away from the stage in section "Upper 202," seats on row HH.
Sure, there are tickets that are available that are much cheaper than that. There are general admission tickets on the lawn going for $65. But, a true fan would pay $350 and sit in the shitty seats to show how much he hearts the sons of Mumford. (Which son is the best? I think it's Harry. Discuss.)
And it'll be so much fun! Since the seats are so far away, you'll hear less of Mumford and his sons singing and way more of the fans scream-singing "AHHWILLWAY AHHWILLWAY foyouuuu." Which is better. Because you're among the people.
Do you get something extra if you spend that kind of money on tickets? Of course you must. Here are 20 things we are pretty sure you must definitely get in addition to the shitty tickets at that price point:
1) The chance to add more sons to Mumford & Sons. Don't take your birth control, do hope that at least one of the band member's member is one million feet long so that it can successfully impregnate you that far away from the stage.
2) A new iPhone and like 20 chargers for it, since they updated that thing and now none of your other stupid chargers work.
3) A golden ticket that allows you a one-time visit to 1970's Willy Wonka's factory.
4) Infinity lives.
5) Ear buds that play Michael Jackson's Thriller on a loop to drown out Mumford and also his sons.
6) Eight funnel cakes.
7) The Dumbshit McIdiot of The Year award for 2013. The bronzed poop crowning the trophy is straight from a Son butt.
8) Oprah Winfrey tells you how awesome you are for one full hour during the show.
9) People in the lawn section pointing and laughing at you.
10) The Complete Works of William Shakespeare
11) Chest bumps from an ugly dude.
12) Jason Sudeikis, Jason Bateman, Will Forte and Ed Helms show up to dry hump your face until you cry. And it can't be laugh crying. It has to be real, sad crying.
13) Free food for life at Luby's cafeteria.
14) A kickass VCR.
15) New Kids On The Block un-gets-back-together.
16) A pair of Tevas (size 9).
17) All the make-outs with all the pretty people starting now, until forever.
18) One pegasus. No refunds.
19) Beers magically appear in your hand when you snap your fingers for the rest of your life. (It's mostly a blessing, sometimes a curse since you really like snapping to Mumford & Sons jam-outs.)
20) Flugelhorn fellatio.
Note that if you do buy those two tickets ($350 each), you'll also be paying a service fee of $119.80 and a delivery fee of $4.95. So, your order total for two tickets will be just $949.50. That's a freaking steal for all the melt-your-face-off fiddle and slappy bass you're gonna get. Plus probable possible fellatio! If you don't have $949 bucks to throw at a Mumford & Sons concert, you're doing it all wrong.