The Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time

Categories: Commentary

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Michael Angelo Batio


Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axeman/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock & roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars and posters for decades.

By Nate Jackson


10. John Mayer
 If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour-lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists' offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of God, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King, who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20: Did he just come in his pants?



9. Yngwie Malmsteen

This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the '80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.




8. Esteban
 If you've ever come home drunk at 2 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black, and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axeman in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar, who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.

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73 comments
valium10thousand
valium10thousand

Wow, there are some insecure people posting here.

I agree with most of the selections in the blog except for Rick Nielsen, who really does not belong here in any way shape or form. I would also be remiss to point out that this piece is not very well written, even though the author's targets of choice were for the most part richly deserving.


To all the people showing their spluttering outrage, what places most of the guitarists on this list is that they have all elevated speed over emotion and feeling. 1 million notes a minute does not make art or expression...it reduces music to a kind of race car mentality where the speed of the playing trumps real expression.

Eddie Van Halen's chief contribution to music is that he encouraged tons of unimaginative people to play as fast as they can at the expense of learning how to make an artistic statement.Oh, yes...he also guaranteed that any time you walk into Guitar Center, you will hear a brick fingered idiot trying to play Eruption with the worst guitar tone imaginable. 

LMAO


VoodooJeff
VoodooJeff

Oh, and it`s pricks like you that make today`s kids afraid to actually get GOOD at playing the guitar. All hail the sheeple pop culture drones.

VoodooJeff
VoodooJeff

I tried to see this as humor. I really did. I`ve met nearly all of those players, and some of them definitely fit the bill. However, I have met Joe satriani many, many times and he is one of the most sincere, supportive, encouraging people you`d ever meet. And Steve Vai? I`ve played with him (it`s true), and like Joe, he is an incredible human being who went out of his way to commend me on a performance of mine after a show. Lowly ol` me.  Even MAB. I don`t like his playing. Even as a guitar player myself his stuff is a little over the top for my taste. Fact is, though, it`s honest. He`s a super modest cat who just happens to be able to do some cool things with a guitar. Or 4. How about Paul Gilbert? I`ve seen him leave the stage in the middle of a song, come back out with a left handed guitar and finish the song lefty. It`s ridiculous to take any of this personally. It`s just fodder for the bottom of a birdcage. But you have obviously NO idea what you`re writing about. Satch never taught Yngwie, either. You spouted off some worthless drivel, hoping you`d piss off some people and rile up all the guitar players "stuck in the 80`s". Well ya know....? The great United States is the ONLY country in the f***ing world that shuns great musical talent in favor of cookie cutter McPopstars. You`re just another one of those douches that listens to what`s popular instead of what`s good.

perez.sylvia85
perez.sylvia85

Eddie & Yngwie? Douchiest guitar players? Hahaha. NOT!

reg1971la1
reg1971la1

Ironically this is quite a noteworthy work of douchebaggery.  "Eruption" is an influential solo and rightfully so.  It was inventive and remains exhilarating to listen to this day.  Joe Satriani is a brilliant player and composer.   If you would like to sneer and snicker at talented musicians like Van Halen or Satriani who are so horrifically appreciated by the uncultured masses, then at least have the guts to sign your name to this tripe, instead of hiding behind the ultra-douchy "DC9 at NIght".  LOL!  That sounds like the name of a movie showcase on the USA network.

chanffrry6
chanffrry6

I have a shitty blog that has no traffic. Hey, I will make a controversial list to draw more viewers so I can pay my rent. Yay mission accomplished!

kingploobis
kingploobis

What, no Ted Nugent?
I suppose I can understand... Douche actually serves a purpose. Nugent wouldn't even make good fertilizer.

jfhayes71
jfhayes71

Oh yeah, and doesn't Clapton become the most Douchy for making an album cover where he is sitting in front of a wall stating "Clapton is God" while his face is buried in a comic book? Clearly that is telling us we are not priveledged enough to be able to look into the eyes of a God....see I can make this bullshit up too. And aren't you Douchy for using the handle "DC9 at Night" instead if your actual name? Or do you think if people knew your real name you would get beat up for dumb ass blogs like this one??

jfhayes71
jfhayes71

Clearly you are a frustrated guitarist who is pissed off b/c your garage band never got the recognition that it deserved and now you're miserable b/c you have to write for the entertainment section if the newspaper. Great guitarists are inherently douchy, It wasn't Douchy when Hendrix set his guitar on fire to outdo Townsend before he could come out and smash his guitar to bits at Monterey? Have you ever seen BB Kings facial distortions as he plays? Let it go bro, 9 out of 10 guitarists would list Eddie or Vai as an influence. Clearly you're just bitter b/c you think you're better than they are but you never got the chance to be Douchy in front of a stadium full of people....

swinginwang
swinginwang

This is funny!  like something you would read in the old Creem magazines.... I saw G3  with Satriani Vai and Malmseen and got triple splooged on!  Everybody lighten up!

NateHiggers
NateHiggers

Gotta love it too when these guys make direct eye contact with a fawning audience member & then shake their head & wag their tongue while peeling off senseless,soul-less,noise polluting riffs.

runeboy92
runeboy92

Whoever made this is the actual douche -_-

Bunchofwankers
Bunchofwankers

As a guitarist I have to say that it is refreshing to see this opinion expressed. 

I'm so tired of the praise that these guys get. Sure they are talented, as far as cheesy, speed riffing goes, but they are just so fucking douche-y. 

tinball666
tinball666

This blog sucks.  Where the hell if Clapton?

janetheraven
janetheraven

I smell a whiff of bitterness. It must be because he can never be as good and deserving of self-confidence as the top 3 "douchy" guitar players on this list.

kcguitarplayer
kcguitarplayer

If these guy's are douches that makes me a generic tampon.

spankybrew
spankybrew

DC9 At Night's girlfriend must have pulled a train with some great  guitar players. That's the only reason I can figure why he'd make this list.  Why not just show some real guts and list Hendrix, Clapton, and Page as the top 3 douchiest guitarists? It would be just as pathetic and ridiculous, but at least it might drive more traffic to this pathetic basement blog.

Y'see throwing bombs is easy, just have the balls to go all in.  But something tells me this blogger's nuts are the size of freeze dried peas. Which again, is the reason why his girlfriend banged a guitar player.


youhavetobekidding
youhavetobekidding

The top douchiest blog goes to you my friend.. You have no fucking taste in music.. Vai, Satriani and Nielson are some of the best guitarists, ever.. Sounds like someone is jealous because they suck at playing. Looks like you can't write either.. go back to emptying trash for a living , please.. 


slang05
slang05

You are a fucking idiot. Saw Vai last week live and he was extremely entertaining. In fact I would have to think you are the douchiest blogger of all time. Blogger is a funny word. It means "one who writes but isn't talented enough to get paid for it" 

BTW, Vai has never written an article calling other people douches..so I think that means you are douchier.

fishface95
fishface95

so its pretty apparent the author has never touched a fucking guitar

tits
tits

vai's vid is by far the most musical of the lot

TMan11
TMan11

The idiot who wrote this is the DOUCHE! This is why you are a useless blogger who's done nothing with his life that you feel compelled to rip on artists who have more talent in their left pinky than you have in your entire body. To rip on Eddie Van Halen's guitar playing is dumb on top of stupid you moron. Eruption has influenced thousands of people to pick up a guitar in the first place. So go back to sucking your bag of dicks, Douche!

some_guitar_dude
some_guitar_dude

joe satriani didnt taught malmsteen how to play the guitar!

MikeTN
MikeTN

Vai is a pal of mine, least douchiest guy I know in the business. Ya'll got him all wrong.

douchelist
douchelist

This is the douchiest list I have ever seen!  Most of these players are actually awesome guitar players!  Eddie Van Halen?  John Mayer?  These guys are amazing guitarists.  This list is fucking lame.

dacarero
dacarero

That's right, make fun of people expressing their hearts out

tiredofopinions
tiredofopinions

The real problem- guys that write articles like this, just spewing negative crap. Who cares what you think? No one. I think I'll do a "Top 10 douchiest internet bloggers" list. And I'll make myself #1. Just for posting a negative top 10 list, as though anyone would care. 

pat.meusel
pat.meusel

Yes, remove Rick Nielsen - his antics and collection of over-the-top guitars has always been to make fun of the idiots who take themselves so seriously.

waylongjeggings
waylongjeggings

Rick Neilsen gets a pass for being the primary songwriter, nothing to overcompensate for there ... 

skymadison
skymadison

I would love to hear DC9 At Night's music, alone, without a band, or pedals, or effects.

genojeweetwel
genojeweetwel

Wes Borland usually plays in drop C#.. Also did some great innovative things with the guitar work just listen to Significant Other.

darkskiesrock
darkskiesrock

Vai at #1? Ummm, anybody that does time in Frank Zappa's band has a life time pass. I bet the hipster who wrote the article has no idea who Zappa is. And his playing is actually more soulful than most shredders (and no, I am not a Vai fan boy, just a guitar player who knows these things). Yngwie should have a permanent place at no 1. There are so many other players Rick Nielsen should never be on a list like this, EVER. How about Janick Gers from Iron Maiden, the guy throws his guitar 50 ft in the air every show and does every rock star pose known to man and yes I love Maiden!

williss
williss

Don't forget about the pedal Steve Vai has next to his effects pedals that turns on a fan to blow his hair... That alone is enough to put him at the top of this list.

williss
williss

Don't forget that Steve Vai also has a pedal on his pedalboard strictly to turn on a fan that blows his hair....

Cruzblues
Cruzblues

C'mon guys, don't get too much butthurt. This list is funny. We got plenty of "The best" or "The most underrated" guitarist articles. Doesn't look that this is bashing skills; only making fun of how douchebags we guitar players can be. I even like many players on this list; but this made me laugh for a while.

warehouselarry
warehouselarry

I don't agree with all these, but that's cool, it's a matter of taste. But I would like to know who the author thinks the least douchy guitarists are. I think that would have made the article more interesting and less of a pretty weak attempt at click bait. Having a So-and-so VS So-and-so would have been cool. I'm guessing Clapton and Hendrix would have made the non-douchy list, although I find them both quite douchy, indeed, although brilliant. I think all rock stars must have a certain level of douch in them to even become rock stars.

PLEASEDIE
PLEASEDIE

I HATE YOU SO MUCH 

10/10 TROLL OOOOHHH MY GOD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT

dead.end70
dead.end70

I'm not a fan of most on this list..... who made this crap page up? Liberals I would have to say  Has to be into C-Rap.  Nothing better to do with time..... Page for idiots.

xdarkridex
xdarkridex

YAY Obs, you've just posted what amounts to a troll post.  Journalism by way of 4Chan, way to go.

christianmcphate
christianmcphate

It's a guitarist's skill, not his or her look. Yngwie Malmsteem is making his guitar bleed. Who the hell cares if he looks like I feel right now?

sntjoa
sntjoa

Wow the douchiest bag of them all has to be the writer of this article. These guys are great guitarists even if you don't care for them or their music. I may not listen to all of these guys or their music but I know they are good at what they do or Mr. Insignificant (you) wouldn't have written an article about them for one. I am still laughing at you and your little words and how you seem damn jealous of these guys. I have to show this to other folks too (actual musicians). WOW DOUCHE indeed! I can only imagine how funny your stories are about bands that you approve of. I can see a hipster type wormy looking guy(you again) with hand on crotch strangely grinning and drooling over every word you write...ACKKK...now Im creepin myself out over you!

ddarling0911
ddarling0911

How about the talent most of these guys have - I'd give a left arm to play guitar even half as good as anyone on this list.  Yea, they are rock stars - but aren't all rock stars douchy is some way or another?  Give me a break - most of these guys could be on the 10 best list......for real!!  Quit listening to "POP" radio and cover bands!!!


joshpool78
joshpool78

Aww, look at the cynical unnamed author who couldn't hack it in a band and decided to make fun of people who did.    It's cute how your lack of talent as a musician, or as a writer, has led you to making best / worst of lists.    I'm sure your parents are proud of ya champ.   

garlandsucks
garlandsucks

You pissed off alot of guys with ponytails and maiden tee shirts..now wheres the list of douchiest hipster bands in pursuit of even coverage DO??? I'll start 10. missile 9. mumford & sons 8. mumford & sons 7. cage the elephant 6. Young the Giant 5. Jerk the Dick 4. Mumford & Sons 3......

rbeezlee
rbeezlee

Notice how the person or persons who dreamed up this terribly flawed list wouldn't even own it. It's "by DC9 At Night."  The only douches around here are Observer employees.

youhavetobekidding
youhavetobekidding

@warehouselarry  hendrix douchy? you're on crack! Hendrix was an introvert. He felt his music when he played..


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