The Fifteen Worst Make Out Records Ever

Categories: Commentary

5. Randy Travis, I Told You So: The Ultimate Hits of Randy Travis
Making out to this album will leave you and your date lying naked in the middle of the road. It sounds like a good time until you here some drunken old man screaming, "I told you so, bitches!" as he drives your wrecked car to the gas station for a pack of smokes. (CM)

4. Big Black, Songs About Fucking
Never mind that album cover, which could just as easily be that woman giving birth or being brutally murdered as engaging in the titular verb. This record is just the sound of power tools applied angrily to concrete and the intent is much the same. Plus, I challenge you to be simultaneously turned on and picturing Steve Albini. (KM)

3. Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver
On the surface, the lush and often gentle arrangements on this excellent record would seemingly provide ideal soundscapes for quality making-out. As Justin Timberlake famously portrayed in a 2012 Saturday Night Live skit, it's Justin Vernon's vocals that are likely to put one to sleep, when sleeping is never really what's on anyone's mind when making-out is ready to kick into a higher, more scintillating gear. (KD)

2. Pantera, Vulgar Display of Power
Do this: Start kissing your lover, slowly at first, and then build the intensity and passion little by little. Perhaps the Cure is playing, or Phil Collins or something. Wait until the mutual passion seems about to burst out of its seams, and then stop suddenly, look your lover deep in the eyes and say, "Wait. This moment is just about perfect. I have something that will make it complete." Then walk over to your stereo and play "Fucking Hostile," off of Pantera's Vulgar Display of Power. Hell yes. (BR)

1. Papa Roach, Infest
Writing this whole list has made me never want to have sex again. You might make it through the first track, with some heavy concentration and maybe thinking about a beloved family pet, but as soon as "Last Resort"'s horrific whiny self-serving sheer mind-boggling awfulness kicks in, you're out. Out a window, out a door, out the attic, burrowing a hole in the floor, anything. Cut my date into pieces, now I appear in court.(GC)

BONUS: The singles edition

"Brick" by Ben Folds Five -- Songs about abortion are 100% counteractive to foreplay. --Vanessa Quilantan

"Kim" by Eminem -- Nothing like getting a visual of being stuffed into a dude's trunk while his tongue is in your mouth. (VQ)

"Daughters" by John Mayer -- This song coming up on your shuffle during a make out session is the equivalent to a daddy issues landmine. (VQ)

"The Whisper Song" by Ying Yang Twins -- Dude, you're rounding first base. A little presumptuous, don't you think? (VQ)

The Swell Season - Low Rising from vennlighet on Vimeo.

"Low Rising" by The Swell Season -- While it's gooey, beautiful and slow-jam romantic at times, you just don't want that song playing should the make out lead to, ahem, the next level......just in time for Glenn Hansard to -- repeatedly -- say "We gotta come up, we gotta come up". No guy needs that kind of awkward pressure. Especially if it's a first time make-out. Back to Enigma, baby. --Alan Ayo

"Mad Word" by Gary Jules (Tears for Fears cover) -- "Wow, when you said you were a cryer, I thought you meant afterwards... Not before." (VQ)

"Slush" by Bozo Dog Band -- Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA --Doug Davis

"Boyfriend #2" by Pleasure P -- The shady girl anthem. If she does or ever has jammed this song, she's trifling. (VQ)

"Bring Your Whole Crew" by DMX -- The infamous necrophilia reference in the first line. Not exactly Spanish fly. (VQ)

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