The Fifteen Worst Make Out Records Ever

Categories: Commentary

10. Any Live Dave Matthews Band Recording
Really, any of them. I know there are those people out there who have a "thing" about DMB. You want to argue about the poetry of his lyrical content, or wax guitar about the Tim Reynolds period and you have such a good time traveling every year to some camping trip where he plays live and it's like, really, but no actually very good and we conceived a baby so it is romantic, see?! No. I am talking about the live recordings of these transcendent experiences and they are loud and agressive and the songs are very, very, long. I know because during the summer there was some terrible human who insisted on playing the live version of his favorite DMB hits on the jukebox of a volleyball club I frequent. One of those magical Boyd Tinsley violin solos was roughly 24 minutes long and sounded, maybe, technically great, but I can only describe it as sonically violent. All I remember thinking is, "Whoever chose this really has no sense of time or place in regards to music." Moments later I thought, "Oh no, I bet this human fucks to this." Don't. --Deb Doing Dallas

9. The Postal Service, Give Up
Let's be real people, this is not your legendary indie love album, this is your legendary Ben Gibbard lashing out album. This is never more apparent then during the midway point of "Nothing Better" where ten years before Kimbra cut down Gotye mid song, Jen Wood does the same thing to Gibbard, but with almost visceral glee. Call me old fashioned, but lyrics like "I feel I must interject here/ you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself " don't exactly inspire me to feel warm and fuzzy. --Jaime-Paul Falcon

8. The Simpsons Sing The Blues
I mean, can you imagine? What message does that even send out? I'm struggling to figure it out, but I can tell you that I am literally listening to this album right now, and if anyone I was attempting to sex (I am a master of seduction) chose this as the album they wanted to get down to, I would not only stop the impending avalanche of woo, I would flee, clothes or no clothes. (GC)

7. Willie Nelson, Phases and Stages
For starters, it's doubtful that concept albums in general are conducive to heavy petting, as keeping up with any sort of story line takes focus away from the person you're petting so heavily. When the concept album is about divorce, with one half being from the male point of view and the album's other half being from the female's perspective, this landmark album is seriously one to stay away from when looking for some mood music. We love Willie, but his nasally delivery isn't exactly going to make the undergarments of either party drop in the way that Barry White's or Al Green's does. --Kelly Dearmore

6. Metallica, Kill 'Em All
This album just screams S &M. Songs like "Motorbreath," "Seek & Destroy" and "No Remose" evoke images of whips, chains and hooks straight from a Hellraiser movie. Jesus, by the end of this album, you're losing teeth, jumping through fire and experiencing whiplash as some gimp spanks you for premature blow (not the kind you snort either). --Christian McPhate

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