The Fifteen Worst Make Out Records Ever

Categories: Commentary

It's a classic Valentine's Day dilema -- you've planned ahead, made the sweeping gestures, made eyes across a white tablecloth and now you're ready to express yourself with some good old fashioned parts-rubbing. Whatever you do, don't play any of these records.

15. Captain Beefheart, Safe as Milk
Making out to this record makes total sense, especially if you are a sinister character in an early '90s Oliver stone film, and your partner is a hillbilly drunk on moonshine. Just try to keep a straight face and maintain a close intimacy during songs like "Ziz Zag Wanderer" and "Abba Zaba." I dare you. No really, that would be funny as hell. --Brian Rash

14. Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville
Liz Phair's mid-'90s masterpiece is the album equivalent of setting a Hallmark store on fire. --Kiernan Maletsky

13. Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music
If you want to get the mood right, Lou Reed's middle finger to his record label is something you should keep hidden. Somewhere in the cacophony of drones, free jazz and feedback, a certain number of people have found joy in the record. But they probably haven't had an enjoyable make-out session with it on the turntable. --Eric Grubbs

12. The Flaming Lips, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Although this wonderful album is riddled with Wayne's ethereal pop tunes and overlain by spacey samples, don't let it fool you! This is no album for a lip lock, unless you plan on keeping things PG. Like the venus fly trap, Yoshimi will have you thinking you're about to land in a cushy love pit, and when you least suspect it, you'll be knee-deep in a slumber, with tinsel drool snaking down your face. Making out to this album is as boring and uneventful as that stint in your parent's basement. --Rachel Watts

11. The Melvins, Houdini
The message this album sends out is that you've understood really slow music is a good idea, but you can't quite get out of the metal frame and mind and have left yourself exposed to a number of problems, not least of which is that Buzz Osborne does not have anyone's idea of a seductive voice. The sludge metal Barry White? No. It would be like doing James Hetfield really, really, really slowly. --Gavin Cleaver

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