How to Survive Live Music in This Weeklong 40 Degree Dallas Ice Age

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Marco Torres
Just think: Soon it will be festival season and you'll be remembering this week wistfully.
Guys, the weather forecast for this week is decidedly bad news. We know you all like to get out there, see things and do stuff (this is a very inclusive blog post). We would never discourage you from that. However, seeing as the weather can't even be bothered to get above fifty whole degrees, and I'm pretty sure that this constitutes a cold snap in Dallas, here is some advice from someone who has spent a lot of time in Scotland.

Go to an indoor event.
I know, I can't believe you didn't think of this already either. Basically, though, when things are inside, it is easier to control the climate inside the building, and so temperature can actually be set higher than the prevailing outdoor conditions. Stop me if I'm getting too technical for you. However, if you're cool like all of us here at the Observer, you'll still want to stand outside to drink or smoke just to prove how awesome you are.

If you have to smoke, smoke eight cigarettes at once.
Not only will this mean fewer visits outside due to the amount of nicotine coursing round your system, but the heat from eight simultaneous cigarettes will give your face a delightful glow that's sure to be the envy of all your friends.

If you have to start a fire to keep warm, do it somewhere no one can see.
Like at Trees during the upcoming Sum 41 gig.

Great song? Of course. But standing there listening deeply isn't going to keep the blood flowing.

Dress appropriately for once.
Have you tried a winter coat? While you might look a bit like the huge bad guy from Ghostbusters, you'll feel happy of yourself, and instantly look creepier and more intimidating than you already did. Also try more than one pair of socks, a hat (not a dapper wide-brimmed hat, hipsters), and maybe if the temperature drops below 40 and you have your ID in an easily accessible place where it won't look like you're drawing a weapon, a balaclava.

Huddle together for warmth.
While walking down Elm Street late at night, I fully expect to see people clinging to each other, shivering, as they try to retain body heat. Also a good excuse for being close to other humans, a department I hear you've been lacking in recently.

Don't go and watch shoegaze music outside.
You're going to need an energetic band that you feel like moving around to. Even the slightest movement at one of these concerts is punished by the severest disapproval very thin people can muster, which is normally a furious glance.

Don't rely on whatever that is on the patio of the Double Wide for warmth.
Seriously, it's like they took fire and insulated it so well that no actual heat can escape from it.

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4 comments
veruszetec
veruszetec

Hilarious as always! Gavin, your articles are the absolute best. Please, don't ever stop. Ever. Ever ever ever.

tagkev1
tagkev1

i like it  cold in my  house..my  dog  loves  it too...

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

The cats are mad as hell at me for not turning the heat up.  Tough cheese.  They'll just have to snuggle up to each other without fighting.

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