50 Don'ts For Your ACL Festival Weekend
27. Don't shave your moustache, it's looking good
Patrick Michels Is this guy the Charlie Brown of bananas?
28. Don't leave your banana costume at home. This is a dealbreaker.
29. Don't sing Florence and the Machine songs without tearing up and ripping out body hair.
30. Don't bring a pancho. Do bring Pancho's.
31. Don't forget to hover when you're peeing on your sleeping friends.
32. Don't stand on a stranger's blanket. Blankets are fences. If you step on them, expect a severe glare that might even end in a "Really?" ACLers are sticklers for rules.
33. Don't wear edible underwear, it just melts.
34. Yeah, don't walk around barefoot if it starts raining. Remember that year they had just re-sodded and then it rained balls and then people were sliding around in the mud, all "Hahahaha, mud fight!" But then it turned out to be "Dillo Dirt," which means mostly poop and leastly mud? Wear shoes, hippies.
35. Don't avoid dismissing Weezer.
36. Don't stop singing "Don't Stop Believin'" if you like getting face punches.
37. Don't forget your bright-colored sunglasses. You're trendy.
38. Don't drink too much too early. You will end up yelling, "Show us your tiiiiiiiiiiiiits!" at the HEB Austin Kiddie Limits stage. If you do yell that, do run away quickly.
Marco Torres Enough with the Indian headresses, assholes
39. Don't hesitate to primal scream every Andrew Bird song always.
40. If you're sitting in shitty traffic in Austin (and you will be), don't forget to roll down your window and tell the Austinite on the vintage motorcycle (with no helmet, because "Whatever, man") next to you that you're, "Here for ACL." They like that.
41. Do not feed the Austinites.
42. Don't forget to stare longingly at Rufus Wainwright.
43. Do not complain about the weather. No matter what the weather is. You paid to be here. Shut the fuck up about the heat or the rain or the cold or the oxygen and get more drunk or high or full of food.
44. When you're in the line for the shitter, don't stop yelling, "I ORDERED A GARDEN
45. Don't make the mistake of leaving your spot near the stage just because nature calls.
They're called Depends because you can depends on them. And all over them.
46. This is a music festival. Don't forget to bring your band. Yes, drums.
47. Don't pretend like saying, "Meet me at the flag" is specific enough.
48. Don't ask them to sign your boobs at the autograph tent. Ask them to sign your lower
back. Lower back autographs are the new boob autographs.
49. Remember: you don't have to like Kimbra. It's OK. We'll get through this.
50. Don't buy an ACL shirt. There's a whole fucking village of local artists there. If you're going to buy a shirt, buy something better than a shirt that's just a logo bumpersticker
on your boobs. Don't buy a boobersticker, people.