How I Learned To Stop Worrying About the Vibrator in My Mailbox and Love Myself

Categories: Last Night

Nancy_Drew_80_2(1).jpg
Nancy Drew and the Mysterious Case of the Vibrating Mailbox
When a vibrator mysteriously ended up in my mailbox recently, I got scared. I checked my apartment for video cameras and recording devices. I asked friends if they were pulling a prank on me. Had I "accidentally" ordered one in the early morning hours and "forgotten" about it? (Very possible.)

When a logical explanation proved elusive, I had to assume magic is real. I remember hearing about the unfortunately named OhMiBod a few years ago and scoffing at such an invention. The gist: Hook it up to your iPod and get craaaaazzyyyy, giiiirrrrllll. But now one was in my house. I had to do something with it.

I'm rather utilitarian in the sex toy department, and anything that has attachments or remotes or takes longer than three seconds to turn on doesn't really do it for me. And some of their other products just look dangerous. But I'm not one to look a gift dildo in the mouth.

Basically, the "Freestyle" wireless model pulsates along with the beats of the music, or corresponds to an increase in volume. So I put it on shuffle (my iPod) and commenced some very scientific research.

Portishead, "Elysium"
College flashbacks. Skip.

Tune-yards, "My Country"
The drum beat works for the stimulation part, but something about listening to Merrill Garbus sing about social injustice is making it like a bear trap down there.

Mind Spiders, "Neurotic Gold"
OK, Mind Spiders are good sexy time music. Mental note.

The Mummies, "A Girl Like You"
Ditto.

Rihanna, "Talk That Talk"
I love Rihanna, and I was just as upset as everyone else was when I heard she was featured on a remix of Chris Brown's "Turn Up the Music," and that he showed up on her remix of "Birthday Cake." I was just as disturbed as everyone else to see these reactions to Chris Brown on the Grammys. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was absolutely toxic? It's heard to break that hold sometimes. I don't think she's an idiot; she just doesn't want to play the victim anymore. Aaaaand that tangent just killed my buzz. Next.

220px-Scientist-RidsTheWorld.jpg
Scientist, "The Voodoo Curse"
You'd think dub would be the perfect thing, but no, not this particular tempo. Rids the World of the Evil Curse of the Vampires is a great album, though, and I never listen to it.

Neil Young, "Cortez the Killer"
Damn, this is a great song. Zuma is a great album too. I wonder what Neil Young is doing right now... Nope, not working for me.

Cabaret Voltaire, "Nag Nag Nag"
The Living Legends is a fantastic compilation for a band that unfairly gets labeled as "darkwave." OK, I'm back on track.

Randy Newman, "Rednecks"
Oh, for fuck's sake.

The results: This thing was not exactly compatible with most songs on my iPod, and there are seven settings on it, which is about four too many. I suppose this device is great for folks who want some "background" noise and have the time to devote to it, but I'm too much of a music nerd to fully enjoy it without being distracted by the songs and the tempo changes. Also, I think I may have ... broken it. Guess I'll stick to my old-fashioned butter-churnin'.

But seriously, who sent it to me?


My Voice Nation Help
24 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
jon from TJs
jon from TJs

try Ravel's Bolero and report back to us. in theory, that should blow the roof off.

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

For the phrase "butter-churnin'" alone, I am buying you a drink. 

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

Oh my god, and "like a bear trap." Two drinks for that one. Jesus. 

yup
yup

three drinks if you just fuck off.

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

But if I fuck off, how will you buy me drinks?? We may have to modify this plan some. 

Also, side note, I do worry that you may spit in them a little. 

OldManJam
OldManJam

I hope you didn't chip your teeth

I'smomma'sspeciallil'helper
I'smomma'sspeciallil'helper

Some Barry White, a bottle of Courvoisier, dim the lights, fire up that battery operated jimmie....and have a blast!

Mixmaster
Mixmaster

Girl, you know shuffle is danger town. Next time the Vibro Fairy visits set the dial to "Jock Jams."

bh
bh

Physi-cally fit, physi-cally fit...

Deb
Deb

It seems like there is some sort of playlist competition in here somewhere? Perhaps for 35D? They are very comfortable with titillation. Pun intended.

Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel

Who sent it? Here is how to tell...

Pete Freedman - It only works sideways.

Dallas House of Blues - It only works with cover bands.

Hanah Raskin - It only works if the battery is locally charged, and there is no Ragweed in the air.

SXSW - it only works for Badge holders.

D Magazine - It only works if you are white, and go to Park Cities Presbyterian Church

The ghost of Buddy Magazine  - it only works if you slept with Mike Rhyner

Jack Perkins - It only works the way he wants it to work. Oh and "Pink or no pink"?

Robert Wilonsky - It used to work on the good hole, but now it only works in the asshole.

yup
yup

har har, har-di-har har...

texasdave60
texasdave60

Heh heh...you mention Buddy Magazine...back in the late 70's they had a writer named Bobette "C-Cell" Riner.  Guess what the c-cells were for? 

Ayo
Ayo

THAT comment was almost as entertaining as the article.

Joe Tone
Joe Tone

 Comment of the Year.

SantiagoStray
SantiagoStray

I say this guy should write for the Observer, Joe.

yup
yup

sheeezzz..............

Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel

You'll have to speak to my literary agent, Robert Wilonsky

bh
bh

 This might be my favorite DO post of all time. I really don't believe it can be topped.

snizz
snizz

alllllllllrighty then..

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...