Concert Foul No. 16: Lawn Chair People

Lawn-Chair-copy.jpg
Spring and summer mean many things to many people. To the DC9 reader, we assume, the sun-soaked days and humid nights in the middle of the year mean it's time to catch some outdoor music performances.

Maybe it's the larger, high-dollar festivals, like Austin City Limits Music Festival, for which you eagerly await. Perhaps you just like to hit as many of the locally based "Taste Of [Insert City Name Here]" and/or "[Insert City Name Here] Arts & Music Festivals" as you can.

Either way, each weekend seems to offer plenty of pseudo-rustic, allergy-filled musical delights for anyone who's interested.

Of course, that "anyone" includes the dreaded Lawn Chair People.

You know Lawn Chair People. They're heroes of half-assery, wizards of lazy weekend-warriorness.

Lawn Chair People are the ones who unfold their weapons lawn chairs, plant them down at some point in front of a stage -- sometimes close, sometimes not so close -- and affix their self-entitled butts to that spot for the duration of an event.

They are usually unwilling to move, even if the tide of mobile, upright attendees engulfs them and their precious chair to the point of them being unable to actually see the stage any longer.

Heaven forbid you're with a group of friends that wants to catch a show together and you all find that your group is split in the middle by a couple of entrenched Lawn Chair People. It's only at this point when the still-simmering scenario begins to get awkward, really.

The real fun -- and when I say "fun," I mean the kind of fun that comes with waiting in line for a STD test at the local free clinic -- begins when the Lawn Chair People begin to make snide, purposely audible comments to other Lawn Chair People about the people that have the nerve to attend the show without a lawn chair and surround their base.

Commonplace in this situation are ingenious and scornfully delivered bon mots such as, "Boy, glad we got here so early. Now I can stare at the back of this guys cargo shorts!" and "Hey, don't they see we were here already? They can't just stand right there in front of us! Where are we, Sodom and Gomorrah?!?"

Sorry, Lawn Chair People. It just doesn't work like that. You're in everyone else's way, not the other way around. You're the assailant, not the victim.

While still slightly on the Why-Are-You-Doing-This? side of things: Blanket People seem to generally understand that folks will intrude upon their space at least a bit. They grasp the concept that they are taking a crap-ton of real estate and that the corners of their blankey are going to get trounced as the day progresses.

While not ideal, it's easy to appreciate the fact that they seem to at least acknowledge this concert-going truth.

Lawn Chair People do typically arrive early, which isn't so bad, and shows a modicum of dedication to their idiocy, at least. But, thankfully, their time is coming. Some festivals have found ways to combat these scourges of community togetherness by posting signs and even outlining borders, highlighting the closest spot to where Lawn Chair People can set up their camps of frown-faced stubbornness. These are usually far removed from where the stage is set -- even if at the bigger festivals, it's still often not far enough.

But, hey, one victory at a time.


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13 comments
Coolerman
Coolerman

I am Cooler Man, and I laugh at your lawn chairs, as my seat can be moved anywhere and it contains cold refreshments.

kYle
kYle

It seems you are trying to dictate how others should be able to enjoy themselves at a concert. How un - rock n roll of you

yeefunn ☜☆☞
yeefunn ☜☆☞

It's a good article, and I can sympathize with those behind the "Lawn Chair People", but I can also understand that some people have underlying conditions and for whatever reason cannot stand for long periods of time or can't sit on the grass.  I wouldn't blame the LCP as much as I would the event organizers.  If it's a problem, areas need to be established and monitored.  It is possible for both LCP and other attendants to all have a good time.

Coleman
Coleman

The fun thing about Lawn Chair People is that their "I can't see the stage because I'm at ass level and you're in the way" snark makes it easy to not feel so bad when you inevitably can't hold in that fart any longer.

Jos
Jos

It's "bon mot".

Steve
Steve

Hey I can tolerate the lawn chairs, but....

What ranking do Cell Phone People hold?   It is impossible to enjoy a live performance of note any more, because every other motherfucker is holding up their Goddamned cell phone in an attempt to record the event for posterity, apparently so they can re-live the jerky, amorphous video and low-fi fax-machine-sounder audio later.

Are these assholes 1)oblivious and narcissistic, or 2) too self conscious to actually enjoy and become engrossed in the performance?

Fuck you, cell phone person, fuck you straight to Hell.

MattL1
MattL1

Anyone who thinks that this isn't worth reading has never been forced to plot routes through a sea of lawn chairs, often hitting dead ends and having to go back.  The only equivalent I've ever seen is in the Top Gear Polar Special, wherein Jeremy and James had to plot a route through a field of massive ice boulders, often getting stuck and having to backtrack.  Their feeling of relief upon exiting echoes my own every time I reach the "No Chairs Beyond This Point" line.  

Yeah, I've thought a lot about this.  Thanks for writing it. 

crw
crw

I know I read it, I said worth reading. I'm sure I could find a far more interesting piece to write about vs. Lawn chair people.

crw
crw

Write about something worth reading.

Kelly D
Kelly D

Dang it! The Lawn Chair People win again!

MattL1
MattL1

Oh, the cell phone person.  Those are the folks who think that nobody will believe they were at a particular show unless they provide real-time proof on Facebook.  

However, the unquestionable #1, with a bullet, of concert fouls is... 

Constantly talking during the performance!  Nothing comes close.

Kelly D
Kelly D

That's great CRW, I just thanked you for reading it, since we can agree you did that. I'm also still waiting for you to produce something of interest, since you're stuck on finding something of greater worth. I also like that I'm getting you to engage me on a post you found unworthy of reading. Love you...

Kelly D
Kelly D

Well, CRW - Thanks for reading the post. Now is when I ask you to write something worth reading, please?

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