Listomania: What Scents Would Be Most Appropriate For The Future Perfumes and Colognes of Today's Biggest Music Icons?

lady-gaga-mtv-vmas.jpg
OK, here she probably smelled like blood and semen...
According to fragrance industry insiders, Lady Gaga has requested that Monster, the perfume she is developing, smell of "blood and semen." Frankly, that's a head-scratcher for us -- it sounds more like a Bloodhound Gang scent, or perhaps a Load-era Metallica.

In our opinion, if Lady Gaga's gonna have a perfume, it should smell more along the lines of decapitated Muppets and spandex -- or maybe the employee restroom of an American Apparel.

Regardless, her odd request inspired us at DC9 (particularly Merritt Martin, whose olfactory power and scent suggestions border on the uncanny) to brainstorm perfume and cologne ideas for a whole slew of other musicians.

So, after the jump, we proudly present a massive list of musicians and the smells we think would best fit with their future perfume and cologne endeavors. Please feel free to add your own musician scent suggestions in the comment section below.

Musical Artists and Their Should-Be Scents

Scott Stapp: communion wine and Vienna sausages
Natalie Merchant: funnel cakes and cabbage
Neil Young: a panhandler's Union suit and a rusted fender
Metallica: vulcanized rubber and crotch sweat
Indigo Girls: vaginas and quinoa
Dave Matthews: your back left cargo short pocket and the amulet hanging from your leather necklace
Phish: used flip-flop and a Boca Burger
Iron and Wine: incense and a Peruvian coffee blend (alternate: tears)
Sufjan Stevens: water chestnuts and a school bus
Wavves: Twizzlers, Four Loko and mango kush
Beach House: home-spun wool and beard musk
Drake: DeGrassi re-runs and a stripper pole
Andrew W.K.: fresh vurp rolled in a cat's hairball
Jamie Johnston: Wild Turkey and Waffle House eggs
Boyz II Men: High Karate and a cheesesteak
Best Coast: kitty litter and Orange Crush
Neon Indian: the inside of film canister and Garnier Fructis molding gel
Erykah Badu: gravel, baby powder and a DPD-issued ticket
Fred Durst: a used gym sock filled with pennies
St. Vincent: Kashi and leather driving gloves
Thom Yorke: a damp rain coat and red wine
Stevie Nicks: sage and a decaying mansion
Moby: Ramen noodles and used textbooks
Jeff Tweedy: a golden retriever's collar and a Diet Coke with Splenda
Jay-Z: a Rolex and dark denim
Amy Winehouse: a burnt Solo cup that's been used as an ash tray and a melted fake eyelash
Madonna: Smart Water and a rosary
Ke$ha: three-day-old Taco Bell tacos left in the back seat of a Suzuki Samurai
Nelly Furtado: a pigeon and the wet corner of a building
50 Cent: Mark Wahlberg
Justin Timberlake: a disco ball and a new shoe
Pharrell: the third floor of the Lacoste factory
Ozzy Osboune: bat guano, red hair dye and pub curry
Jon Bon Jovi: a warm hair dryer
Bruce Springsteen: your old copy of Grapes of Wrath and an unused handkerchief
John Mellencamp: a Ford F-150 and an Awesome Blossom
Willie Nelson: a one-hitter and the Bible
Jack Johnson: shoes that look like feet
Marilyn Manson: a blown circuit and bones
Decemberists: candy corn and an 1800s farmer's straw hat
Black Flag: trash bags, Windex and a Italian roast
Cher: well-worn ceremonial tribal garb (Navajo) and a two drink minimum (white wine spritzers or Bloody Mary's)
Justin Bieber: loose-leaf notebook paper and a Target gift card


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29 comments
HeyRoachie
HeyRoachie

There is already a blood and semen scent...Secretions Magnifiques Eau de Parfumby Etat Libre d’Orange Sorry Gaga..Try again..

MattL1
MattL1

Let's keep it local. Old 97's.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

As requested via Facebook...Cat Stevens: myrrh and an old blanket stored in a cedar chestRihanna: Sally Beauty SupplyBlack Eyed Peas: sugarcane and the mild odor of urine from an arena bathroomGWAR: ground meat (note, not ground beef specifically) and surgical steelRadiohead: an old man's sweater and VisineThe Cure: lavender and "rubber shoe" smellDepeche Mode: communion wine and a dusty stack of 8x10s

Alix
Alix

That wavves one made me laugh out loud. :D

Nick R.
Nick R.

Merritt -- The Toadies

Rich Lopez
Rich Lopez

ok ok ok, what about Sharon Jones

Alexa
Alexa

This is amazing, especially Willie. OK: Michael Jackson. Failing that, Michael Bolton.

Amy Ero
Amy Ero

merritt...a woman of many (and often strange) talents

JesseHughey
JesseHughey

OK, Merritt- How about Waylon Jennings?

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

It got lost in the comment shuffle above, but GWAR is...ground meat (note, not ground beef specifically) and surgical steel

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

A Journeys break room, Claire's-brand piercing astringent and Barq's-flavored chapstick.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

Miller Lite (or any bottled domestic light beer, really), and a controlled brush/leaves fire. With just a hint of stray tabby (nowhere near the fire, just to be clear).

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

AquaNet ignited with a Bic lighter and Arrid Extra Dry deodorant.

via e-mail request...

Nervous Curtains: freshly sharpened eyeliner, electrical solder and a waistcoat (specifically not a vest, but a waistcoat)Danny Balis: plowed earth and a catcher's mittRoxy Music: perm solution and satin sheetsSteve Earle: a leather bolo tie and homemade tattoo ink

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

The laces after two years in your Converse Chuck Taylors and a Mead college-ruled composition/lab book.

Johnlaskowski
Johnlaskowski

salvation, a tumble weed, and a broken down pick up truck

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

Luden's throat lozenges and "new small appliance" smell.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

Michael Jackson: Pond's Cold Cream and Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

Michael Bolton: Pert shampoo and freshly dry-cleaned khakis.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

Actually, no. Bounce dryer sheets and Gadzooks. Yes, that's it.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

Unless you were referring to Steve Earle (the comments are out of order and I just saw you responded to the earlier one), in which case I like it.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

I considered the tumble weed, but figured it was included in the brush fire. :)

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