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Welcome to another episode of Top Chef: Seattle, during which nothing really happens that is all that interesting. Read: Tesar and Valentine don't fight, make out or even rap battle. We're not asking for much, you guys -- just one freaking dance off, one table flip, one tense face-to-face meeting at a restaurant to try to work out your relationship issues during which someone misuses "literally." This is Bravo. Please start being Bravo-y.

The QuickFire of this episode required the contestants to create dishes using oysters. At one point, Tesar called oysters "nature's candy," which we all know is factually incorrect. Bacon is nature's candy. Dude needs to consult a fact book and get his facts straight.

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If you guessed that Danyele McPherson would get kicked off of Top Chef for flipping the double bird at Gail Simmons and punching Joshua Valentine in his Valentines after Hulk-smashing the entire Top Chef kitchen, you'd be almost right.

The scene actually went like this: She made a dish using blueberries, the judges didn't like it. They sent her home and she walked out totally calmly and professionally. (At least she called Valentine a dickhead before her time on the show was over. "Over your head, dickhead!" should be on a shirt. Someone get on that.)

And then everyone in America went all Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and cried angry tears and punched their TVs.

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Lots of Top Chef QuickFires and elimination challenges are sponsored by brands (it's a TV show, product placement happens), but this week was especially annoying.

See also: Top Chef: Seattle Episode 5 Recap: The Ginger Curse Is Real

Truvia sponsored the QuickFire, and the prize for the Elimination Challenge was a Prius. Watching the chefs talk about how awesome the Prius was for the obviously-agreed-upon amount of time was pretty painful, until Stefan (AKA Bobcat Goldthwait Dexter) chimed in with, "There's plenty of space in the trunk."

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Episode 5 starts out at Pike Place Market, and the chefs have to make breakfast for the QuickFire. And Padmaboobz's wearing a lot of layers and pants, so you immediately know that this episode is taking the highway to meh.

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Things start to maybe possibly look up when Valentine and Tesar end up on the same team for the QuickFire. But, then they put their differences aside and just cook food and they make it through the challenge without any drama, and dammit, Padmaboobz's high neckline warned you it would be like this.

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The opening scene of this week's Top Chef picked up where we left off last week: Valentesar fight. Tesar was being Tesar, and Valentine goes, "There's a thing called tact, and obviously you don't have any." And Tesar says, "Oh, Oklahoma has a lot of tact."

And then everyone watching at home goes, "OOOOOOH DAAAAAAAAMN. OKLAHOMA BURN!" (If you're thinking, "Why you gotta bring Oklahoma into this shit, Tesar?" Remember: Valentine's from Oklahoma City. Still a lame joke -- but at least it's semi-relevant.)

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Top Chef was pretty boring this week, even though they had Dana Cowen, editor of Fud & Wine Magazine, there to judge the QuickFire. (Dana has been on the show before, and she does not -- how you say -- fuck around, when it comes to judgery. If your food tastes like someone dumped in it, Cowen will let you know.) Plus, they had Tom Colicchio and Emeril Lagasse as team captains for the Thanksgiving elimination challenge.

See also: Top Chef Seattle: Padma Yells At Tesar, Valentine Yells At Mushrooms

This episode could've been full of explosions (was hoping McPherson would rip out her earrings and sous vide a bitch over a tomato bisque, or that Tesar and Valentine would make out), but mostly it was full of Carla yelling for no reason and McPherson not sous vide-ing anyone yet.

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John Tesar made a classic mistake during the team-challenge QuickFire of the second episode of Top Chef: Seattle. He tried to quietly whisper to his team while Padma's boobs had the floor. Rude. So, (obviously) Padmaboobz had understandable rage. She goes, "Can you listen up?"

See also: A 'Stache, a Ginger and a Tesar: Top Chef: Seattle Features Three Badass Dallas Chefs

Madmaboobz.

Tesar immediately shuts face. QuickFire starts. It involves a lot of things, but the stars of the QuickFire show are the geoduck and Carla Pellegrino.

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Padmaboobz is the host of Top Chef. She's also a judge. When she wears a turtleneck, it's a sign to viewers that the episode will suck. So, look for that this season.

Every week, I will watch Top Chef. I will not recap the episodes scene-by scene, because that is dumb: if you wanted to watch it, you watched it already and you don't need me to tell you that there were opening credits, chefs got sweaty, and someone yelled "fuck" at food. If you want that kind of recap, I'm sure Wikipedia or DSideDish can hook you up. This will be much more serious journalism.

PADMA'S BOOBS ARE BACK!!! Wednesday's premiere of Top Chef brought back Padma's weird pronunciation of "Fud & Wine Festival," Tom Colicchio's bald-eagleness, and Awesomeass Unibrow Guy Hugh Acheson, and raised us Emeril Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck.

Three Dallas chefs are contestants this season: The John Tesar, The Joshua Valentine and The Danyele McPherson. It is your job as a Dallas person to watch this show and cheer for the Dallas chefs. Because they are badasses, and every one of them deserves to go to the Fud & Wine Festival.

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via Bravo

... just a little competition between friends.

Last night was the final episode of Top Chef Tex-Anada, and it played out like a culinary version of the walk-off scene in Zoolander set to symphony music -- a fierce and almost perfectly orchestrated parade of dishes, as we have come to expect from the two remaining chefs.

Paul Qui, executive chef at Uchiko in Austin, and Sarah Grueneberg, executive chef of Spiaggia in Chicago, brought their best games as they faced the challenge of cooking a four-course meal aided by very familiar sous chefs chosen through a tasting competition.

Previously eliminated chefs filed into the kitchen, along with two heavy-hitters: Barbara Lynch of No. 9 Park in Boston and Marco Canora of Hearth in New York. All 11 had to cook a dish, and the two competitors each chose four.

"I made an Asian-inspired dish to try and lure Paul into choosing me," eliminated heartthrob cheftestant Chris Crary said. Proving anyone would buy anything that guy is selling, Paul chose him as part of his dream team, along with Barbara Lynch, Ty-Lor Boring and Keith Rhodes. Sarah chose Nyesha Arrington, Tyler Stone (the former cheftestant who didn't make it into the original 16 because of his horrific butchering skills), Heather Terhune and Grayson Schmitz.

Then it was onto the meat (or fish and eggs, in Paul's case) of the competition as the two chefs banged out some seriously mind-expanding dishes, pushing the boundaries of their personal styles -- Sarah's innovative homey dishes of comfort and Paul's simple and delicately executed plates of precision.

Our highlights ...

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via Bravo

... that damn lonely sliver of arugula.

Just think, this episode's elimination could have come down to a piece of arugula -- a wisp of a flavor dose so tiny it contributed almost nothing to the dish, which was the root of the problem. In the final elimination episode before next week's head-to-head finale, it was only the teeniest details that determined which of three dishes would send one chef packing.

But a lot had to happen before that tense moment of discernment at the judges' table. A hit parade of Asian chefs and former Top Chef Masters competitors showed up for the Quickfire, each teaming up with a contestant to cook a dish, taking turns in the kitchen in 10-minute increments. It seemed Paul, incredibly dexterous with Asian cuisine and paired with Takashi Yagihashi, would have the upper hand, but Sarah, paired with Floyd Cardoz, reached deep down inside and realized she has a knack for making curry -- and a winning dish that earned her $20,000.

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