Rediscovering Blue Bell Ice Cream, Like A Long Slow Embrace with Ben Affleck

A moment of honesty here, OK? It's the holidays so we're being forgiving and all that, right? I never really liked Blue Bell Ice Cream. I always thought of it as the old man of ice cream, sort of boring and uninventive. I like Ben & Jerry's - blinged-out, glitzy, suffocating, intoxicating, a hot mess of everything that was right (and wrong) in the world.

But, this summer, I (or Blue Bell) crossed a threshold. It started with Key Lime Pie Ice Cream, a dessert that happens to be an all-time favorite. I bought a half-gallon out of obligation (to myself, nostalgia, this blog, the world) and remember the first bite standing in my kitchen. It was amazing. I quickly restricted the kids from eating it (they have their own stuff) and for the entirety of its short life, it was like a siren call from the bottom of my freezer. Mostly I imbibed in just a few spoonfuls at a time. The dialogue in my head was something like: 'I've had such a long day, I deserve this.' When it was gone, emotions were a mix of relief and emptiness.

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The Cheap Bastard's Guide to Eating Like a Fancy Bastard

Tracie Louck / Art by Dan Zettwoch
Everyone knows that in a nice restaurant, special etiquette must be practiced. Carefully following the rules of decorum reserved for fine dining is what separates The Fancys from The Normals. The trouble is, it's hard to remember every single rule at once. Well, lose your shit not, friend. The Cheap Bastard has created this handy-dandy guide to eating with Fancys in Dallas just for you.

See also
The Cheap Bastard's Ultimate Guide to Eating like a Total Cheap Bastard

In these pages you'll find answers to most every question you could have about dining at an expensive restaurant. How much sex is too much sex in the unisex bathrooms at Fearing's?* When is it acceptable to punch the valet at Charlie Palmer in the junk?** Yes or no: Jams and a suit jacket, Weekend at Bernie's-style, at The French Room?***

I visited six of Dallas' fancy restaurants in order to give you real-world examples of the proper do's and do-not-do's for your nice night on the town. If you learn the rules of decorum for these restaurants, you'll know how to refrain from acting a fool in any fancy Dallas food place.

*Have as much as you want, but it's unisex, so hover over the seat, ladies. Say no to herp.
** After you get your car and only when you have a clear path to the street for a getaway. *** No. Only well-dressed stiffs are welcome.

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