I Love Everything About You, Keller's

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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Alice Laussade
Don't ask for IPA, alright?
Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

State of the drive-in at noon: packed
Camo hat count: 4


Keller's on Northwest Highway has my favorite dirty burger to eat in the summer. I love the car hops, with their cig-breath and "Darlin"s and their fists full of cash. I love the way the place lights up like Christmas at night. I love the dirty couches right outside the restaurant, presumably for walk-uppers and ne'er-do-well-hanger-arounders. I love the faded menu that reads, "We have plenty of fixin's" and "Every order made to order-- never pre-cooked, frozen or microwaved." I love the truckbeds full of people gleefully stuffing their faces with fried. And most of all, I love the fact that they will walk a beer out to your car for you.


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Thirty Days of Eggs, Tears, Jack and Farts: The Diary of a Temporary Vegetarian

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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In this week's cover story, Cheap Bastard Alice Laussade tries on vegetarianism for a month. Here, a day-by-day diary of her experience.

Day 1: I tell my husband I'm going vegetarian for a month. He replies, "You do whatever the hell you want -- the boy and I are eating meat for every single meal." I would have said exactly the same thing to him, and he knows it. We are truly in love. I slap him in the man nuts.

Day 2: I love eggs! This is so great! I could eat eggs for every meal for 30 days and be so happy! Eggs, eggs, EGGS!!!!!

Day 3: Seriously, have I mentioned how delicious eggs are? Hard-boiled: check. Over easy: love it. Scrambled: AND YOU KNOW THIS.

Day 4: Oh my God, I hate eggs.

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Cheap Bastard's Vegetarian Guide to Being a Vegetarian Bastard In Dallas

Categories: Cheap Bastard, Veg

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Dan Zettewoch
Click to embiggen

It has come to my attention that some people choose to be vegetarians. I personally find most animals to be quite delicious. I like the porks. I very much like the beefs. I even like the fishes, which (as I would soon learn) are not, in fact, vegetables. Long story long, it's difficult for me to imagine choosing a foodlifeworld that does not include gristle.

In order to better understand these vegetarian human beings, I chose to take a walk in their meatless shoes and become vegetarian for one month.

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The Summer of La Ventana Love

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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Alice Laussade
Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

People sitting out on the patio at 1:30 p.m. on a Thursday in August (temp
approximately 1 million degrees Fuck-Me-renheit) count: 0
Women dragging children by their ears across the street to The Perot Museum count: 2

This week, Texas finally remembered it's summer. It's like for the whole month of July, Texas thought it was California and it let our plants have rain and cloud-shade and cooler temperatures. I heard Pete Delkus was so confused he sharted for a week. Now we're getting the 100-degree days with 99 percent humidity we deserve. Some people are sad about the heat, because it means that patio lunches are over.

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A Meat Lover's Journey to the Loving Hut, a Vegan Buffet in Addison

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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Flickr
Follow Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

Loving Hut offers a $9 vegan buffet in Addison. So, while it is cheap, right off the bat it's most of my least favorite things. First, it's vegan, which I'm pretty sure means there won't be any edible meats here. I don't hate eating vegetables. Vegetables and I go way back. But I admit that if you handed me a regular salad and instead of calling it a regular salad, you were all, "Here's a vegan salad," I'd probably be markedly disappointed. There's just something about adding the word "vegan" to things makes them seem like less fun. Just create two invites on Facebook named "Orgy" and "Vegan Orgy" and see which one attracts more attendees.

Second, it's a buffet, which means lots of people have poked my food with their germ-ass forks before I get to eat it.

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The Cheap Bastard Goes to Green House Market, Which Is Not a Place for Cheap Bastards

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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Alice Laussade
Ain't no Sonic, but still.
Number of people who were clearly pissed that I discovered their favorite secret mall restaurant: 3

Babies in highchairs throwing fits because "Mom, what the serious fuck is this chia seed pudding bullsh?": 1

Green House Market is a fast, farm-to-table restaurant inside NorthPark Center that features locally sourced options and pressed juices. It started as a food truck, and its bricks-and-mortar location is not in the mall's food court -- no, Green House Market does not fraternize with the Sonic and the Which Wich. Green House Market goes glamping, not camping.

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How to Eat at the American Girl Cafe without Blowing Your Dignity, Savings, Brains

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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via Pop Culture Geek
"Keep that ketchup away or we'll shoot."
Editor's note: For several years until about 2012, Alice Laussade, the Observer's James Beard Award-winning (and twice nominated) food writer, traversed Dallas in search of sub-$10 lunches that didn't suck. She eventually shut her foul mouth to focus on other writing and her hugely successful fundraiser, Meat Fight. Now, after a two-year hiatus, the Cheap Bastard is back. She'll appear in print and here every Thursday.

American Girl Dolls getting their hair done in the American Girl Doll Salon count: 3

Uncomfortable Dad count: 19.5

When your daughter reaches a certain age, you will find yourself in the café at the American Girl store. You won't know exactly how you got there. Were you drugged? Probably. All you know is your waitress just upsold you a "Pink lemonady-lemonade!" and every person in here thinks it's a sane move to eat lunch with a doll in a high chair attached to their table.

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Six Breastaurant Concepts That Should Really Exist in Dallas

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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I traveled north of The Wall (Frisco) last weekend and noticed that there are so many breastaurants around, restaurant owners are having to get creative with their boob-food themes.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a breastaurant, let me explain: It's food + scantily clad female employees. It's Bennigan's, minus pants. It's a strip club, minus actual stripping plus more chicken strips. It's the kind of place a man goes when he wants mediocre fried food and some good old-fashioned sexism. It's soft-core food porn. (Try not to notice the high chairs.)

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Dallas' Meat Queen Wants to Know: Where Can I Find the Best Vegetarian Food In Dallas?

Categories: Cheap Bastard, Veg

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Alice Laussade
Veggie tacos at Torchy's
Alice Laussade is a longtime Dallas writer and the founder of Meat Fight.

I decided to go vegetarian for a month, just to see how the meatless live. After a week and a half, I can tell you that the vegetarian people of Dallas are offered a lot of cheese enchiladas, hummus, and, "Well, you could just order a bunch of sides and make that your entree?"

It is, of course, easier to make your vegetarian meals at home than it is to find something vegetarian to eat at restaurants. But, if you are headed out to a restaurant, breakfast has been the easiest meal of the day to go vegetarian.


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Tell The Mother of Meat Fight Where She Should Eat Her Last Meat Meal

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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Meat Fight - Nicholas McWhirter
No more of these for a while, dangit.
I've decided to go vegetarian for a month. Which wouldn't really be that big of a deal, except that I love meat so hard. I love meat so much, I helped create a barbecue competition called Meat Fight.

What drove me to this meatless idea? The taste of Matt McCallister's Christmas Tree. After eating that morel, and drinking a bunch of wine, I was drunk enough on veggies and booze to make this idea seem fun.

I'm not going vegetarian because I'm against the consumption of bacon. I love bacon. And I'm not going vegan, because cheese y'all. This will be four weeks of Level One Vegetarianism. I'll leave the rennet omission and dairy omission to the pros. It's going to be hard enough for me to cut out chicken. And that's barely even a real meat.

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