Alice Laussade

Other people in line in front of me count: 8
Days I've been thinking about this chicken since I ate it: 3 (whole)

As I yelled, "Elaine just popped my jerk-chicken cherry and my goat-curry cherry and I really liked it!" in the parking lot of Elaine's Kitchen, I realized how awesome that would be on a T-shirt. I didn't just yell it out of nowhere -- that would've been weird. I yelled because a lady in the parking lot asked me how my meal had been and I couldn't not smile-yell in her face about how much happy was in my body.

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That contest was the humor-writing division of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists annual awards, which were given out earlier this month, apparently in secret. She lost to this woman.

I'm sure Alice will gladly accept your praise in the comments. Or she'll call you a shithead. One or the other.

Observer columnist Jim Schutze was mentioned honorably in the general-interest division.

Alice Laussade

Pink gorilla robot + cheesesteak + plus fresh, super-sweet doughnuts + Alice. We're just grateful no one was injured in the frenzy at Pookies Donuts (6522 Lemmon Ave.).

Other people count: 13
People-watching amazingness level: 2,310

When you see the giant pink gorilla robot waving at you in front of Pookies Donuts with a sign around his neck that says, "What's my name?" you pull the fuck over. Because of evolution. You can't not pull over when you see something that amazing. It's a proven fact. Ask science.

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She says she wanted to try the food, but we think Cheap Bastard stopped by Moon Wok just to have an excuse to break out her fedora, single white glove and sequined ruby dancing shoes. You can find the place at 8670 Skillman St., 214-221-8888.

Times I drove by and said to myself, "Ha. Moon Wok," before actually trying the food here: 1/2
Other customers in here besides me count: 0

Moon Wok, you officially win the Naming Wok Restaurants in Dallas Wars. Many others before you have tried to name woksteraunts in Dallas, but you have bested them all (even Wok In & Out).

Moon Wok is very clean inside (happy face) but there's no actual moonwalk. (Hey, Moon Wok, GET A BOUNCE HOUSE INSIDE YOU.) They do, however, have all of your standard Americanized Chinese food options (including but not limited to chicken lo mein, Mongolian beef, crab Rangoon, super-fried-eggrolls-stuffed-with-who-cares-what-as-long-as-there's-plenty-of-sweet-and-sour-sauce-which-there-is).

There are 100 numbered dishes on this menu.

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Sweaty camel-toe count: 32
People post-workout high-fiving count: 5

On Northwest Highway, right next to Bicycle Works, a bicycle café called Bicycle Café (7510 East Northwest Highway) recently opened. When you walk inside and see all the bicyclephernalia on the walls and all the people still wearing their helmets while drinking light beers and talking about "bonking" without at all meaning sexing someone up, you'll say to yourself, "Oh, this is clearly a café for people who ride bikes."

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You may have seen this week's cover story, which is Cheap Bastard's Guide to Being a Cheap Bastard in Dallas. If you read it, or are familiar with CB in anyway, you know that she has a black belt in Boobeuphemismskata. In honor of Bastard-y phrases like "your freezer will be so happy it'll give you a blowjay" and "sushi boom," we've built a sentence generator where you can Cheap Bastardize anything. Anything.

All you have to do is go to the generator, type in a food, click "like" or "dislike" and the Bastard magic outputs a sentence. Enjoy.

Dan Zettwoch

Fact*: Fifteen million people are getting burger wasted in Dallas right now. And every day, that number grows higher and higher**. If you or someone you know is burger wasted, please call the number at the bottom of this helpful guide. Pretty, pretty please.

Get more facts*** in this week's cover story, "The Cheap Bastard's Guide to Eating Like a Total Cheap Bastard in Dallas."

*not fact
** still no
***Really, we still need to do the whole stars thing?

Dan Zettwoch

Click to see the full Cheap Bastard cover

For this week's cover story, Alice "The Cheap Bastard" Laussade provides an extensive and profane guide to, as she puts it, her "favorite restaurants in Dallas where cheap meets delicious (without meeting diarrhea)." It follows. Also, now you can Cheap Bastardize freakin' anything.

Drive-Through Deals
White Rock Coffee
4216 Abrams Road
The Starbucks drive-through on Northwest Highway has a singing barista. Guess that's cool if you like to start your morning by busting barista noses. If someone singing at you before you've had your coffee sounds like the worst marketing idea ever, check out White Rock Coffee. Drive up and get you some caffeine. Order a White Rocker (latte with caramel and white chocolate), then brag for the rest of your life that you got face-banged by Bret Michaels.

Big Mama's Chicken N Waffles
9810 Forest Lane
At Big Mama's Chicken N Waffles, you can drive through the line or walk up to the window. Either way, you're paying cash only. So bring your bills and order the chicken and waffles. Do not stray from this order. Repeat: Do not be a doofus.

When you look at the food pile they serve up, you'll think, "It's just chicken and waffles. I mean, seriously, how good can it [bite] AWMAHAGAD THAT'S WHAT MY MOUTH LIKES!" Eat it.

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Aaand obviously: mortadella.

Welcome to the return of The Box. Last time, Craig Cottier turned the ingredients from The Box into radass St. Paddy's Day drinks. This time, we gave our big box of crap to Chad Houser, Cafe Momentum do-er and Parigi cheffer ("Parigi" means "fucking delicious deviled eggs" in French talk).

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Photos by Alice Laussade

Rice Bowl Express, 11419 Garland Road, is fast and cheap. How could Cheap Bastard not love it? By eating there, unfortunately.

Times I was like, "Is that a hooker? Yes. Is that also a hooker? Yes.": 12
Trucks in the Fiesta Mart parking lot next door count: 21

I've driven past Rice Bowl Express a million times on my way to the Dallas Ourlawnwillneverlooklikethisbo​retum. This time, I saw their signage boasting orange chicken for $3.99 and I thought, "Why the dong not?"

The guy on the intercom at Rice Bowl Express expected me to know what I was going to order as soon as I rolled up, so I knee-jerk ordered the orange chicken and an egg roll. My total was five bucks. (Yes, they take credit cards.)

After you order, the drive-through takes you around the back of the building for a scenic tour of the trash and towels stacked outside the kitchen. Mmmm. The smell of dead General Tso plus fonky egg drop soup. Make one last left turn and that's where you'll find the pick-up window, with someone already ready with your food. That was quick. A little too quick, actually.

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