The Cheap Bastard Goes to Green House Market, Which Is Not a Place for Cheap Bastards

Categories: Cheap Bastard

Alice Laussade
Ain't no Sonic, but still.
Number of people who were clearly pissed that I discovered their favorite secret mall restaurant: 3

Babies in highchairs throwing fits because "Mom, what the serious fuck is this chia seed pudding bullsh?": 1

Green House Market is a fast, farm-to-table restaurant inside NorthPark Center that features locally sourced options and pressed juices. It started as a food truck, and its bricks-and-mortar location is not in the mall's food court -- no, Green House Market does not fraternize with the Sonic and the Which Wich. Green House Market goes glamping, not camping.

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How to Eat at the American Girl Cafe without Blowing Your Dignity, Savings, Brains

Categories: Cheap Bastard

via Pop Culture Geek
"Keep that ketchup away or we'll shoot."
Editor's note: For several years until about 2012, Alice Laussade, the Observer's James Beard Award-winning (and twice nominated) food writer, traversed Dallas in search of sub-$10 lunches that didn't suck. She eventually shut her foul mouth to focus on other writing and her hugely successful fundraiser, Meat Fight. Now, after a two-year hiatus, the Cheap Bastard is back. She'll appear in print and here every Thursday.

American Girl Dolls getting their hair done in the American Girl Doll Salon count: 3

Uncomfortable Dad count: 19.5

When your daughter reaches a certain age, you will find yourself in the café at the American Girl store. You won't know exactly how you got there. Were you drugged? Probably. All you know is your waitress just upsold you a "Pink lemonady-lemonade!" and every person in here thinks it's a sane move to eat lunch with a doll in a high chair attached to their table.

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Six Breastaurant Concepts That Should Really Exist in Dallas

Categories: Cheap Bastard

I traveled north of The Wall (Frisco) last weekend and noticed that there are so many breastaurants around, restaurant owners are having to get creative with their boob-food themes.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a breastaurant, let me explain: It's food + scantily clad female employees. It's Bennigan's, minus pants. It's a strip club, minus actual stripping plus more chicken strips. It's the kind of place a man goes when he wants mediocre fried food and some good old-fashioned sexism. It's soft-core food porn. (Try not to notice the high chairs.)

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Dallas' Meat Queen Wants to Know: Where Can I Find the Best Vegetarian Food In Dallas?

Categories: Cheap Bastard, Veg

Alice Laussade
Veggie tacos at Torchy's
Alice Laussade is a longtime Dallas writer and the founder of Meat Fight.

I decided to go vegetarian for a month, just to see how the meatless live. After a week and a half, I can tell you that the vegetarian people of Dallas are offered a lot of cheese enchiladas, hummus, and, "Well, you could just order a bunch of sides and make that your entree?"

It is, of course, easier to make your vegetarian meals at home than it is to find something vegetarian to eat at restaurants. But, if you are headed out to a restaurant, breakfast has been the easiest meal of the day to go vegetarian.

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Tell The Mother of Meat Fight Where She Should Eat Her Last Meat Meal

Categories: Cheap Bastard

Meat Fight - Nicholas McWhirter
No more of these for a while, dangit.
I've decided to go vegetarian for a month. Which wouldn't really be that big of a deal, except that I love meat so hard. I love meat so much, I helped create a barbecue competition called Meat Fight.

What drove me to this meatless idea? The taste of Matt McCallister's Christmas Tree. After eating that morel, and drinking a bunch of wine, I was drunk enough on veggies and booze to make this idea seem fun.

I'm not going vegetarian because I'm against the consumption of bacon. I love bacon. And I'm not going vegan, because cheese y'all. This will be four weeks of Level One Vegetarianism. I'll leave the rennet omission and dairy omission to the pros. It's going to be hard enough for me to cut out chicken. And that's barely even a real meat.

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Texas Rangers Say North Carolina Has Best BBQ, Immediately Lose Ability to Play Baseball

This is total bull, y'all.
Yesterday on Twitter, the Texas Rangers Twitter account tweeted something awful. Something unbelievable. Something that's just not true. When asked by a fan, "What state makes the best BBQ?" the Rangers account replied, "North Carolina... sorry!"

You're ellipsis-sorry for bashing Texas barbecue, The Texas Rangers? Oh, I'm ellipsis-sorry, too. Looks like the A's beat the crap out of you because they heard about your tweet. Ellipsis-sorry-exclamation point.

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At Fogo de Chão, Life Is a Grand Meat Parade

Categories: Cheap Bastard

Sarah Johnson
Potatoes are just a waste of good meat real estate.
The dream of the '90s is alive and well in Addison's Fogo de Chão Brazilian Steakhouse on a Saturday night. Turtlenecked parents toast their daughter for kicking ass in the school play. A grandmother celebrates her 87th birthday with three generations of family and a store-bought ice cream cake. First-daters play with their permed hair and giggle as they hork down filet mignon. The décor and population in here are so not-at-all-ironically 1990s amazing, you half expect someone to run into the dining room cheering, "The Dream Team just won gold!" Everyone here is happy. Because Fogo de Chão isn't your everyday dinner destination. This is a celebrationstaurant, bitches.

Taking someone to Fogo de Chão says, "I think that you are very special. So special, in fact, that I want to give you a meat parade."

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Swiss Pastry Shop's Burger Validates Fort Worth's Existence

Swiss Pastry Shop
The Chupacabra Rodeo Burger: 8 oz Wagyu, Chipotle bacon marmalade and jalapeño chevre.

"Darlin'" count: 250
Chance of wood paneling: 100 percent
Average age of diners: 75

"Why is Fort Worth?" you ask yourself on a daily basis. I can now tell you, with much confidence, that the answer is, without a doubt: "Because Swiss Pastry Shop's burgers."

Chef/owner Hans P. Muller is making a kickass burger in Fort Worth, and you don't know about it because when you make the drive out to The Worth, you only go for the badass museums and zoo animals. Well, next time you get in the mood to see some zebras run around, make a lunchtime pit stop for a burger that will make your happy heart want to bone you.

The photo above is of Muller's Chupacabra Rodeo Burger, which is 8 oz. of Wagyu, Chipotle bacon marmalade, and jalapeño chevre. This is not the burger that I tried, but it is the photo that inspired me to make the drive to Fort Worth for a face full of meats. It showed up on Facebook, I put the car in drive.

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This is the Only Map You Need for the 2013 State Fair of Texas

Words by Alice Laussade/Pictures by Dan Zettwoch
Click here to see the full-sized version.

Henry's Ice Cream: Yes. This.

Categories: Cheap Bastard

vanilla strawberry cone.jpeg
Alice Laussade
You don't walk into Henry's Ice Cream in Plano by accident. Plano is far. You're here on purpose. On a mission. And because you made the pilgrimage all the way out here, your expectations are stupid high.

Your toddler stares at neon signage of Henry's Ice Cream and thinks to herself, "This better be good. I rode in that piece-of-vegetables car for, I dunno, some amount of time I can't even process right now because none of you losers taught me how to tell time yet, just for the promise of ice cream. Then, when the car stopped, you took me inside a sadass Fuddruckers because 'We're sorry, sweetie. Your mom doesn't understand Plano,' and then you told me some lie about how people have to eat dinner before dessert. Whoever made up that rule should be made to chug an entire sippy cup full of She Ra farts. That's right. They should have to chug farts. And then, we should all be allowed to point at them and call them a bunch of fart chuggers. Because screw eating dinner. Ice cream. We all want ice cream. There's even a song about it. I'd sing it for you, but I left my plastic microphone at home, which I'm pretty sure you remember is stupid far away from here. I'm ready for this dang ice cream. I swear, if this is like the time you told me Fraggle Rock would blow my mind and it turns out that you've just over-hyped the shit out of Henry's Ice Cream, I'm gonna five-point-harness the ice cream man in the junk."

The cardboard cow out front consoles her, "Oh, this shit is delicious. If you don't like it, you're wrong."

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