I Love Everything About You, Keller's

Categories: Cheap Bastard

kellers_laussade.jpg
Alice Laussade
Don't ask for IPA, alright?
Follow the Cheap Bastard as she scours the city, looking for a good -- or at least non-lethal -- lunch for less than 10 bucks.

State of the drive-in at noon: packed
Camo hat count: 4


Keller's on Northwest Highway has my favorite dirty burger to eat in the summer. I love the car hops, with their cig-breath and "Darlin"s and their fists full of cash. I love the way the place lights up like Christmas at night. I love the dirty couches right outside the restaurant, presumably for walk-uppers and ne'er-do-well-hanger-arounders. I love the faded menu that reads, "We have plenty of fixin's" and "Every order made to order-- never pre-cooked, frozen or microwaved." I love the truckbeds full of people gleefully stuffing their faces with fried. And most of all, I love the fact that they will walk a beer out to your car for you.

Worth noting: The beer is Bud Light. Corona. Don't roll up here and ask for a fucking IPA, unless you're looking to play a nice game of You're Getting Punched In The Dick.

Keller's is happy, time-capsuled old-timey burger land. It's what would happen if you gave a 1960's Happy Meal a Four Loko and it came to life: burgers flying everywhere, onion rings galore, everyone smiling all the time, with that little, subtle aftertaste of exhaust fumes and possible danger.

To my left sat a nice woman wearing a giant sun hat inside her F250. Her voice strained with The Worst Possible Thing In The World Has Happened "There's A Bomb On The Bus" Speed panic as she yelled at the car hop, "I FORGOT CHEESE I FORGOT CHEESE!!" To my right was a camo-behatted man inhaling a No. 5 Special (a double cheeseburger with special sauce that he ordered Korn-primal-scream loudly - it's essentially a Big Mac on crack).

When my car hop moseyed over, I ordered a cheeseburger-all-the-way ($2.45) plus onion rings ($2.09) plus a lemonade ($1.25). Anything you order here can be modified. They offer such fancy pants items as grilled onions, jalapenos, bacon, chili and no-poppy-seed buns. My food showed up within eight minutes and was inhaled in under two minutes.

The next time your stupid dickhole of a stomach thinks it wants you to go to Sonic, drive yourself to Keller's instead. Sonic can shove its no-booze happy hour drink specials up its brown-bag-special ass.

IMPORTANT: Keller's is cash only. Do not forget this. This place is old. And old places don't take no newfangled science-loving, plastic-ass credit cards. They do have an ATM, but if you use it, you'll be immediately outing yourself as a newbie and a dumbshart.



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27 comments
joeat
joeat

@bvckvs  Thanks for this information, will make me rush to Keller's faster and more frequently.  A #5, tater tots and a cold beer is pure heaven, plus the fabulous floor show!

hbuch73
hbuch73

The pic is upside down.

tlewis186
tlewis186

Keller wins my "Best Burger in Dallas" every year. Don't try and reinvent the wheel, just order a HB or CB and it will be the best. They have other ones, but in 50 years of going there I have never ordered anything but a CB, and it's glorious.

OxbowIncident
OxbowIncident

The Kellers on Garland road will take cards. I love that damn Red Steer burger.

NewsDog
NewsDog

Too many stories to tell about all my time at Kellers. But, here's one:

Used to work at LBJ and the Tollway. Sometimes on Fridays a girl I worked with and I would run to Keller's for lunch. Me; #5 and three beers. Her; burger and two Zimas.

There and back to the office in less than an hour. 

God I love those waitresses.  

Bobtex
Bobtex

"Big Mac on crack"?  What is wrong with you?  Nothing, NOTHING at Keller's is like anything that MickeyD's shovels out.  Keller's sells hamburgers.  McDonald's does not. Keller's sells great hamburgers.  McDonald's does not. Keller's sells beer. McDonald's does not.  I could go on, but I hope that you have gotten the message.  If not, go back to Keller's and try again.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@bvckvs take that shit back to unfair park or your shitty twitter feed.  We talking about hamburgers here asshole

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@Bobtex But Keller's aint got no Big Mac sauce, so what you say about that

MattL11
MattL11

@Bobtex Hence the "on crack." Everything's better on crack. 

Guest
Guest

@ScottsMerkin @Bobtex The #5 comes with thousand island dressing.  A Big Mac comes with "special sauce" which is (wait for it) . . . thousand island dressing.

banepage
banepage

@bvckvs @ScottsMerkin do we have to inject stupid politics into everything?...if you find yourself doing that, you might want to seek some help for your own health....My Kellers is on Harry Hines. The added danger makes the Burgers taste even better.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@bvckvs @ScottsMerkin No really take that shit somewhere else.  Your personal vendetta against them doesnt need to be broadcast over here.  As for tantrums, we all know you are the king of tantrums here Sanders.  Got a burger opinion lets hear it

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Myth, myth myth, while Mac sauce may have thousand island dressing ingredients there is more to it. Taste em side by side. And besides, pink slime burgers set that whole explosion of flavor off

ColonelAngus
ColonelAngus

@ScottsMerkin  I eat a Big Mac once a year or so, mainly because they hooked me with that sauce 40 years ago.  BJ's Brewhouse has a similar concoction on one of their burgers, but it's not as good.  Better meat, not so much the sauce.

banepage
banepage

@bvckvs yeah from now on unless I need teabagging advice you will be ignored

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