The Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza: A Thing I Recently Ate, Because I Hate Myself

Categories: Food News

cheesybites_nr.jpg
Nick Rallo
Pizza Hut's radial wheel of cheese pods attached to a pizza
The greatest trick Pizza Hut ever pulled was convincing the world it had more than one kind of good stuffed-crust pizza. The Hut has found a way to cram, bowl and thread cheese into the crust in confounding ways over the years, and the newest version is the Cheesy Bites Pizza. It's a tie-in to Michael Bay's CGI-bloated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot.

What this one is: the strangest looking pizza you've ever seen, with a crust that's made of 28 Invasion of the Body Snatcher-like pods filled with the cheese. Each pizza slice has 3-4 tearable-crust things, and it comes with a big cup of tomato sauce for dipping.

nickpizzahut1.jpg
Nick Rallo
Really wished I got bumped up to pizza first class
It was my first time to try a pizza with a non-linear crust, and it was also my first time to order at an actual, physical Pizza Hut location. After ordering, my name went up on the monitor like I was on pizza standby, which made me hope I'd get bumped up to pizza first class.

An episode of E! network's Botched was on the waiting room TV. This episode was about a woman whose boob implants got turned upside down in her boob. The nice Pizza Hut employee gave me the remote, in case the image of upside-down, mangled boobs didn't bolster my appetite for cheesy bites. As a weird parting gift, the same employee crammed maybe 400,000 packages of Parmesan and red pepper into the box.

The first thing you sense when you order the cheesy bites pizza is the buttery garlic smell. It's a punch in the face. When you open the box, you're hit with this wave of visual confusion because the pizza looks like something from Dark Crystal. The Lady Friend exclaimed, "Is this a slice of pizza? What the hell is happening here?"

It's OK. There's a wild boat rope of cheese filled crustles!

There's good news-bad news with the Cheesy Bites pizza. The bad news first: A lot of the cheese pooled out of stuffed pods onto the box. The good news is: Those little cheese pools got crisped up into cheese discs that were mostly awesome when you dip them into the tomato sauce. I ordered it with sausage, which was $11.99.

For the Ninja Turtle tie-in: I think the Hut should up the ante. Is it too much to ask for my pizza to come with breadsteak nunchucks? Or come with a wearable Shredder's helmet made of mozzarella?

The pizza has potential -- if only it could keep the cheese inside those tiny crust bombs. The real issue with new versions stuffed crust pizza is: Once you've had one stuffed=crust pizza, you can closely approximate what every other pizza after that will taste like. You're better off just sticking with the original stuffed crust, which we'll call Splinter. Don't disrespect Splinter. Also, the original stuffed crust will soak up pretty much any cocktail you've had that night without confounding you as to what the hell you're eating.

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Nick Rallo
Closeup on the newest movie synergizing pizza


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25 comments
DavidRoot
DavidRoot

I thought there were hotdogs in the crust?

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

Did you buy the cookie pizza too for your next post?

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

Corporately known as Pizza Hut, Inc., it is a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc., the world's largest restaurant company.


As of 2012, there were more than 6,000 Pizza Hut restaurants in the United States, and more than 5,139 store locations in 94 other countries and territories around the world.


Yum! Brands, Inc. or Yum! is a US -based Fortune 500 corporation. Yum! operates four licenses Taco BellKFC,Pizza Hut, and WingStreet restaurants worldwide. Prior to 2011, Yum! also owned Long John Silver's and A&W Restaurants.


Based in Louisville, Kentucky, it is the world's largest fast food restaurant company in terms of system units—more than 40,000 restaurants around the world in over 125 countries. 


In 2013, Yum!'s global sales totaled more than US $13 BILLION.

Greg820
Greg820

Cheese Bread Greasy Crust

So Bad But Can't Look Away

Eat At Your Peril

DATPIZZA
DATPIZZA

Boom. Lakewood Pizza Hut off Skillman. How do I know? BOTCHED, baby. Saw it there Sunday when I got pizza and noticed a delivery guy fumble with his delivery stuff so he could stare at a boob job sneakily. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

This posted at 5 a.m.?  I assume it was written while on the shitter evacuating last weeks gut bomb to make room for this one.  Nick has eaten so much crap food for this blog lately, Id be amazed if he has had a regular sold shit in the last month

gabe48
gabe48

A "must try" is the location on Skillman in Dallas, open for lunch & dinner 7 days a week. Blake's Smokehouse BBQ pizza is outstanding, great sauce, and don't miss the ultimate Hershey's chocolate chip cookie. Dough is fresh, hand tossed.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Michael Bay and this "pizza" monstrosity deserve each other.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

@DonkeyHotay

Company: Yum! Brands

The company earned $13.6 billion in revenues in 2012.


Over the past several years, Yum! has come under fire for its labor practices—including  unpaid overtime, failure to pay minimum wage, denial of meal and rest breaks, improper wage statements, and wrongful termination. This resulted in multiple class action lawsuits filed between 2006 and 2010 and waves of strikes at local stores across the country. 


According to analysis by the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy (ITEP), Yum! Brands reported about $1.8 billion in taxable profits to the United States government from 2008 through 2012.  During this period, however, the fast food giant shifted an additional $1.5 billion in overseas profits into offshore bank accounts—effectively sheltering these profits from the corporate income tax. By 2012, Yum! had stashed a total of $2.6 billion in these offshore, tax-free accounts. By excluding these profits from taxation, the company was able to significantly reduce the effective tax rate it had to pay to an estimated 14.3 percent—a fraction of the statutory 35 percent federal corporate income tax rate.  

 

JustSaying
JustSaying

@ScottsMerkin  After eating that much bread and cheese, I figured his bowels would swing the other way and lock him up with a giant mud plug. The kind of shit that requires both an epidural to pass and an episiotomy to fix the damage.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin  Hell, if I put that down they'd kick it across the kitchen floor.  


Eh! Nicolò!  Che cosa dicesse la tua nonna se lei sapeva che hai mangiato quella robaccia?

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

@DonkeyHotay @Sotiredofitall Death of capitalism and rise of the oligarchy

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