Five Dallas Dives Guy Fieri Should (Not) Visit

Categories: Complaint Desk

fieri_stencil_naomi_vaughn.jpg
Naomi Vaughn
Guy marked his territory at Maple and Motor in 2012.
Everyone's favorite backwards-sunglasses and flaming-shirt enthusiast Guy Fieri revisits DFW this week, sort of, with an hour-long rehash of former Diner, Drive-Ins and Dives episodes that he's calling "The Legends of Texas" tour, airing all week. As we wrote about in 2012, this means some people's favorite restaurants, including Cane Rosso, are about to be crushed.

In the spirit of Guy's visit to our fair city, we decided to give Guy a few new suggestions for some future Dallas-focused episodes. Then we decided, Screw that. But we'd already written our tip sheet so we just redacted the important details so Fieri can never find them and can never ruin them, too.

[Name and address redacted], Dallas, Texas, 75231
If Guy actually paid attention to the title of his show, he'd probably be visiting more places like this one. It might be a good idea if Fieri did show up, simply because the actual legitimate bikers might kick his ass, but no one deserves to have to deal with him. Fortunately, the seasoned waitresses at this treasured Dallas institution could probably handle him on their own if Fieri tried to stare at their boobs or make any tired sexual innuendo about the milkshakes on the menu, which he's infamous for.

[Name and address redacted], Dallas, Texas, 75208
This little shack is the kind of place that would look perfect for a Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives opening sequence, complete with Fieri's '67 Camaro out in front. The lines here are already way too damn long, and his presence will just make things worse. And it might upset the elotes man, who's already working feverishly in this wretched heat, and he deserves better. As a matter of fact, just stay away from this awesome neighborhood, which is attracting plenty of national attention on its own, altogether.

[Name and address redacted], Richardson, Texas, 75042
People think that Dallas is a boring and bland city, and if you just go to the same burger and pizza joints over and over like Fieri, you might agree. But you'd be missing out on a rich and diverse culinary history that, in the case of this awesome restaurant, dates all the way back to 1982. Fieri tends to seek out large piles of gut-bombing carbs and meats instead of actually looking for a city's authentic ethnic cuisines, so he'll probably miss this cult-favorite Chinese restaurant. His loss.

[Name and address redacted], Dallas, Texas, 75218
This would actually fit the traditional definition of a diner, which is exactly why Guy should not ruin it for the rest of us. The service is fast, the setting is old-school, and there's no need for any of Guy's superlative drooling over the homestyle food. If he asks you, tell him that this place is terrible and the bus to Flavortown should head to Denny's or absolutely anywhere else.

The Olive Garden], everywhere, America
This place, Guy. This one we'll tell you about. You can film every future episode of Diners, Drive-ins & Dives at any of our area Olive Gardens, and go on and on about how "money" those breadsticks are, and their "gangsta" shrimp alfredo without anyone bothering you and your pursuit of mediocrity. Go anywhere else, especially any of our city's good, cheap restaurants, and I'm kicking your ass.



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24 comments
polishbear
polishbear

Guy Fieri is the #1 reason I hardly ever watch Food Network anymore. He is more interested in cultivating his image that he is in food. What a douche.

mremanne
mremanne

Waste of cellphone battery power.

kevin.bullard
kevin.bullard

What a douchebag article. This freak Fieri goes around supporting local mom n pops and you fags want to bitch. Wow. He has MADE some of these joints by his free 10-12 minute commerical on a national food channel - something I am willing to bet - has allowed them to remain in business. Suck it douchebag! 

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

This has more crap than I flushed down the toilet this morning.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

This is almost as egregious as Kristy Yangs review of an AA Admirals club she hadn't been too in over 2 years

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

This is worse than the Ft Worth articles. Up there with the worst restaurant articles any where. If this were some kind of restaurant scavenger hunt, ok. Otherwise WTF and why.

Mike
Mike

This is a sucky read and terribly annoying.

dearrogant
dearrogant

Awesome job at NOT being a worthwhile human being or even coming close to achieving your apparent goal of journalism. All you managed to do is promote Guy's show, and NOT promote any local cuisine for your readership to enjoy.
NICE FAIL!!

Daniel
Daniel

At [redacted], the hand-cut fries are da bomb.

redacted
redacted

I kind of hate this article. 

The_triplefake_Brandon_Eley
The_triplefake_Brandon_Eley

Dude goes around putting the spotlight on local businesses, all of whom approved of him coming to visit, and people want to piss on his back.  Why?  Because it's not organic that joe restaurant owner's business grew as a result of dude's visit.  I am reasonably sure that each person Guy visited put together a business plan and "make bank" was listed somewhere in their top 2 objectives, but Guy's the asshole for helping them reach that goal. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Did you know bootleg bacon fried chicken was back, and now you dont even have to go to the back door to get it.  Chef Mills is putting on the menu at his burger joint

Greg820
Greg820

Now I'm craving Donkey Sauce.

obscuriosity
obscuriosity

I'm guessing 75218 is Barbec's, but no clue on the others.  wait, I've said too much.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

I recall an interview where it was mentioned the restaurant owner needed to plan on preparing for a major increase in business.

MattL11
MattL11

@obscuriosity I think you're right about that. I was thinking Keller's, El Si Hay, and FIrst Chinese BBQ for the other three. 

markzero
markzero

@Twinwillow @MattL11 @obscuriosity weird, the FCBBQ website only lists the Austin location, though it says it was started in Richardson in 1982.


Also, 75042 is in Garland, so I think there's some extra confusion going on.

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