A Review of Doritos Loaded, Which Aren't Really Food

Categories: Complaint Desk

doritosloaded1_nickrallo.jpg
Nick Rallo

Doritos come in multiple forms and dimensions these days. There's the two dimensional-like flat chip option, which have been Street Tacoed, nacho cheese explosioned, Tapatioed, and, more recently, contorted into the taco dimension. On the taco axis, Doritos is often filled with "beef" and sour cream and stuff.

Now, 7-Eleven scientists are thinking more third-dimensionally: Doritos Loaded exist like 3D triangles in the physical universe with depth and breadth. In Doritos Loaded space-time, like in all life everywhere, a dimension is filled to the brim with American, Romano and cheddar cheese and another is encrusted more Doritos.

I ordered the Doritos Loaded at my local 7-Eleven, where the kind worker offered:

"Want to me to make a fresh batch for you?"

Totally! Can I get some water and fresh bread? Just kidding, right?

"I prefer to make them fresh...much better that way," he said with a smile.

After he nuked them for two minutes, they arrived in a searingly red box. It's a clevery-designed holder, with many entry and exit points to getting the Doritos Loadededs into my dumb face-hole. I drove home with the little angry red box in the center of the passenger seat, wondering if I should seatbelt them in case they shoot forward into the dash. Protect the little guys, you know?

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Nick Rallo
The very rare sight of a Doritos Loaded being born into the wild

First, the Doritos Loaded look like a fried hazard sign, encrusted with Doritos birdfeed. They're scarily-too perfectly triangular and encrusted. Food shouldn't be so perfectly encrusted and golden yellow inside. How do they get those Doritos micro-pellets to be so perfectly round? They scattered on my white kitchen table wildly, like they were trying to escape the lava red box.

Inside, the cheese-blend was melted like a yellow crayon that you left it in your car. It tasted a lot like a school cafeteria mozzarella stick, sans the mozzarella, and each bite made my stomach give warning grumbles. Also, they were not good. At all. I think it's because the Doritos Loaded aren't supposed to be food. They should be other, practical things like:

Kitchen backsplash tiles
Roofing
Board game pieces
Little shot glass coasters

it'd be much more interesting if there was an actual Dorito chip inside of it, like a Doritos space suit. If Taco Bell can stuff anything, so can Frito-Lay.

Continuing on, I hope Doritos can occupy the fourth dimension (time). Doritos: 1776, when opened, would shoot you back in time to the Continental Congress, where you would be instantly written into history.



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16 comments
rst1123
rst1123

I drive around my local 7-Elevens and buy these out and throw them away in an effort to protect my community from these monstrosities. Sometimes the attendant won't even charge me and will just let me throw them away claiming "I can just write them off as spoiled." I'm glad I'm not the only one trying to protect my community from these life sucking pieces of garbage. These are a heart attack waiting to happen

fordamist
fordamist

I was hosting a primitive talk show back just after the rocks cooled,  McDonald's PR lady showed up with their new fishy sandwich.

"Doesn't that taste 'crisp'?"

"Crisp ... is NOT a taste."

We lost the McDonald's ad account, my ass got fired  ...



rock5452
rock5452

looks like little loads of spicy turds that will make your butt-hole bleed for days..

auntiecairo
auntiecairo

May be the first food with negative nutrition. . .

nakedlens
nakedlens

The best way I can describe it: Imagine if a fish stick had sex with cheese-on-a-stick and the resulting child was baptized in Doritos…

lebowski300
lebowski300

Made in Plano. Most ppl forget that.

EdD.
EdD.

Of all the bad dining choices available at 7-11, this may be the baddest.


(Interpret that as you will.)

Greg820
Greg820

Doritos Loaded are triangle shaped to reinforce their three magical qualities:Flavor, Crunch & Nastiness (FCN).Much like our own universe is composed of the three qualities of Energy, Space and Gravity (time does not exist) so too does the interaction of FCN intertwine on both the quantum and galactic levels to achieve balance and harmony.Through this balance, mankind advances boldly to meet the constantly changing demands the universe places on all living things.With greasy orange lips.

Sarah O'
Sarah O'

Sooo... you liked it, then?

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@fordamist

I once had a guy when I was stuck in Nuevo Laredo invite me to "feel" the freshness of his salad bar?  I just walked backed to the Bluebird Motel and drank 28 little Coronito's, a $3bottle of tequila, and woke up the next day nekked, in a running shower....no money was lost!

rst1123
rst1123

Fordamist is that a true story

nickrallo
nickrallo

@Sarah O' I added a thing to make sure it was driven home. These things were PRETTY gross.

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