Six Breastaurant Concepts That Should Really Exist in Dallas

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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I traveled north of The Wall (Frisco) last weekend and noticed that there are so many breastaurants around, restaurant owners are having to get creative with their boob-food themes.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a breastaurant, let me explain: It's food + scantily clad female employees. It's Bennigan's, minus pants. It's a strip club, minus actual stripping plus more chicken strips. It's the kind of place a man goes when he wants mediocre fried food and some good old-fashioned sexism. It's soft-core food porn. (Try not to notice the high chairs.)

Of course we have Hooters, Twin Peaks, Bone Daddy's and Bikinis, but a quick boob-food Google search tells me there's also Redneck Heaven (Lewisville) and even The Tilted Kilt (Frisco).

We would never ever want breastaurants to fizzle out of popularity, because who doesn't love a side of motorboat with their fried cheese? This in mind, I submit some additional knocker-cuisine themes that I think could be extremely popular in Dallas. Restauranteurs, you're welcome.

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Alice Laussade
Tex-Mex
A friend mentioned that there is not yet a Tex-Mex breastaurant in this town. While I find that difficult to believe, it appears to be true. (Although sources say that this might be the theme of Matt McCallister's new spot. And I haven't been to San Salvaje yet, so I can't confirm that the food concept there isn't boob-driven.)

Name ideas: Tits-Mex, Tataquería.

Vegan
How come there's nowhere in this town to get a nice rack of boob with your quinoa? Raw bar plus raw cleave. It's a James Beard Best New Restaurant award waiting to happen.

Name ideas: Seitan's Boob Lair, Namastaint.

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Alice Laussade
Locally Sourced
All the boobs are local, farm-raised boobs, and the food is all locally sourced, too.

Name ideas: Farm to Nipple, Locaboob.

Gluten-Free
There is a shortage of gluten-free options at restaurants in Dallas. Let's see an entire gluten-free menu and raise it boobs.

Name ideas: Gluten-Freeboob (no bras allowed); Chico's (it would just be a Chico's retail store with no food in it except those super expensive gluten-free lollipops, but we'd invite the salespeople to rock some of that nifty-at-fifty boob (but only legit old boobs, no plastic).

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Alice Laussade
Fried Fair Food Only but Also Boobs
State-Fair themed boobstaurant with a Big Tex who sets himself on fire every hour on the half hour. It's BYO food and they fry it for you. Also, there are boobs.

Name ideas: Big Tex's Boob Carnival, Tilt-a-Boob.

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Alice Laussade
Vending Machine Food
This takes the sadness of the fried fair food concept and cranks it up a notch. The only food here comes out of vending machines and is served to you straight from your waitress' cleave or from your waiter's warm pants. We would call the place, simply, "Junk."


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40 comments
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markie19 topcommenter

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Mervis
Mervis

How about "Alice's". Scantily clad women who flirt with you by swearing cheekily while talking about meat. I'm there.

chuckles69
chuckles69

Why wouldn't the Tex-Mex place be called Chi-Chi's? Too obvious?

melbent
melbent

Using women as sex objects is not a great idea. Many businesses are flourishing without using women that way. http://ow.ly/yGJq0

CogitoErgoSum
CogitoErgoSum topcommenter

Carlin put it best: 


"... and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly

sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a
snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just
One." 

scmiller0
scmiller0

think Bone Daddy's BBQ qualifies and as someone mentioned Ojos Locos exists as a tex-mex one

J_A_
J_A_

Hiiiii welcome to Raisins!

JustSaying
JustSaying

There should be a sushi breasturant. They could call it The Locker Room. Or maybe Low Tide. Holy shit this middle school comedy writes itself.

EdD.
EdD.

It's 2014 and we don't have "Clockwork Orange" milk bars yet? Come on, Dallas!

ChangingF8
ChangingF8

Chinese food anyone?


Name it Wi Tu Smawl. IBTC Approved!

Jesse_Hughey
Jesse_Hughey

Eight might seem like too many, but 8 is sideways boobs. We need two more, Alice.

Greg820
Greg820

I see an entire chain of Tataquerias bursting out on the scene any day. 

lowdough
lowdough

Used to be a place in Mesquite that was Mexican food brestaurant. Cant remember the name though.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

So if they made a male junk restaurant for women would it be called Meatballs?

anneDallas
anneDallas

Irish pub: Tig O'Biddies

Sláinte!

Twinwillow
Twinwillow

It's a good thing there are enough boobies out there to staff all of these breastaurants. 


Question: Is a cafeteria style breastaurant called a boobeteria?

MiketheGrate
MiketheGrate

The Tex-Mex joint should be called "Chi-Chi's".  There used to be a Mexican chain up north called this, but it was just a normal terrible Mexican restaurant.  I don't think they realized that their name is Spanish slang for boobs.

johnnyutah
johnnyutah

There's also Bombshells in West Dallas if you like the aeronautical theme.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

More likely, locally sourced, surgeon raised boobs.

johnnyutah
johnnyutah

There's already a tex-mex theme place called Ojos Locos in West Dallas.

Amy S
Amy S

Udderly wonderful

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Genius; especially liked "Farm to Nipple" and "Namastaint" How about a pop-up breastaurant for ComicCon; Boobzilla       

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@melbent

I call B.S. You cannot sell watery beer to a dude-brah without titties.

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

Which should we open first?

Chicken Hawks, Kum Den, Johnson's, Nuts and Butts, Love Mussels, HBI, Chicken Chokers, Tube Steaks, Moose Knuckle,

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@MiketheGrate

I'm pretty sure they did realize it. Chi-Chi's was co-founded by legendary Packer player and long-time Packer radio commentator Max McGee, who is well known for his ribald sense of humor.

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@Sharon_Moreanus


Quaker Steak and Lube ?


Nominated for the most idiotic actual restaurant name marketing fail ever.


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