BREAKING: I Ate Domino's "Chicken Specialty," AKA Chicken Nuggets with Pizza Toppings

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IT STARTED, as it often does, with an online order of a Domino's Chicken Specialty.

First, there were important questions to solve before punching in the credit card information: Do I want the jalapeños and pineapple on the Chicken Specialty "normal," "light," or "none"? I went with "normal," because I had zero idea of what a normal presentation of jalapeños and pineapple was. Also, there wasn't a way to get them extra. Note to Domino's: We always want things extra.

I added barbecue sauce onto my Pizza Profile because we'd long since passed the point where this was Italian. I was forced to add a second Chicken Specialty because Domino's won't let you use the $5.99-each deal unless you get two of their wondrous specialities. So, there I was, on the Domino's pizza tracker page.

Quick aside: Domino's online ordering system is the Turbo Tax of pizza delivery. By the time I hit the epic-badass pizza tracker screen, I was expecting it to congratulate me on the standard mozzarella deduction.

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Jonathan4354 is putting my pizza in the oven, which sounds like a line from a sexbot from a '90s AOL Chat Room
Anyway, there I was, watching the online ordering system tell me "Jonathan4354" put my not-pizza in the oven at 9:07 p.m. I'm assuming it meant an AOL chat room user was cooking my pizza. I also selected the feedback option, which has preselected motivational phrases, "Treat my order like it's the most important one in the world."

We'll see, Domino's. WE'LL SEE.

It came swiftly. As in: a little too swiftly to be a cooked chicken dish. It came so fast the pizza guy had to call twice (I thought it was a wrong number) and then texted "Domino's here" because we live in the age of Domino's texting you.

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It came in these awesome little cardboard sleeves that open almost magically, with a sense of adventure usually reserved for a treasure chest or a paternity test. There was a crescendo of music, and golden light poured out.

The treasure was, it turns out, not a pizza at all. It was chicken nuggets covered in pizza toppings. One with jalapeño-pineapple and cheese, and one with bacon, tomato, cheese -- with ranch underneath the cheese. And a generous barbecue sauce tub.

The jalapeño was actually spicy, which was a good start. The barbecue sauce helped. The bacon -- hang on, I think it was Canadian bacon -- came with what looked the sad grandpa-old tomatoes (not sure what I expected). The bacon Chicken Specialty also had a weird-ass ranch that made the Lady of the House cringe. The chicken was so white-meat chickeny that I felt like Domino's was politically compensating. Like, someone was bracing my arm and screaming: "YOU LIKE YOUR WHITE MEAT CHICKEN? DO YOU?!?"

The chicken tasted so much like school cafeteria that I suddenly was wearing a No Fear T-shirt. It was like elegant elementary school food. As if the menu, maybe from a kid chef, would be:

Fried Chicken, Nuggets
Delicately fried all-white-meat chicken, blistered jalapeños of the can, Maui pineapple, melted Monterey jack, drizzle of house-made marinara, quenelle of guilt

Fried Chicken, Nuggets, II
Delicately fried all-white-meat chicken, crisp Canadian bacon, saute of tomatoes, melted Monterey jack, drizzle of house-made marinara, existential questions

All that said, they were both better than an actual Domino's pizza. The jalapeño one would ultimately disappear later that night.

The shame spiral set in at 9:34 a.m., according to my own internal Pizza Profile, which I tracked in real time via the Why Did I Do This app.

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13 comments
townjustin
townjustin

What a terrible review. The new offerings from Domino's are dubbed Specialty Chicken, not Chicken Specialty...AND it is definitely not Canadian bacon on the Crispy Bacon and Tomato SPECIALTY CHICKEN. Please notice it is named Crispy Bacon and Tomato and not Canadian Bacon and Tomato. See how that works? I hope this guy doesn't get paid to do this.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

I have been meaning to try that shite, thanks for sparing me the cash sir!   Domino's is huge on that ordering system; one time I ordered 2 pizza's and 8 showed up, like 3 hours later.  I just called it even!  Every time I call the D's in Plano, they suggest to me that I can order online.........my retort is that I don't have a cellphone or a computer, and the dumbshit pimpleface chuckles every time. I guess the weed these days is REALLY potent. 

Bos_stL
Bos_stL

This is one of the funniest things I've read in recent memory. Bravo. 

cpyro091
cpyro091

When I first  heard Domino's was doing this, I thought they were putting chicken in the crust the way Pizza Hut puts burgers in their crusts overseas.

castingthestone
castingthestone

Please note that your current Stussy shirt had to be removed before your No Fear shirt was time-machined onto your torso.  

veruszetec
veruszetec

I tried this out of sheer curiosity. It's terrible, in every way.

You're not making pizza OR chicken better, Dominos, you're making both worse.

J_A_
J_A_

Gross. Kudos for the No Fear tshirt reference.

Greg820
Greg820

I shudder when I see the latest food monstrosity on the tele, knowing that some brave (er, insane) Observer writer is going to consume it and write about it.  You do not have to do this for us.  I do not want your blood (or chicken/cheese grease) on my hands. 

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@J_A_  


right!  now the semi illiterate order in an Affliction or Ed Hardy shirt. 

JustSaying
JustSaying

@J_A_ I personally preferred the subtle comedy of Big Johnson shirts.

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