Texas Rangers Say North Carolina Has Best BBQ, Immediately Lose Ability to Play Baseball
Yesterday on Twitter, the Texas Rangers Twitter account tweeted something awful. Something unbelievable. Something that's just not true. When asked by a fan, "What state makes the best BBQ?" the Rangers account replied, "North Carolina... sorry!"
This is total bull, y'all.
You're ellipsis-sorry for bashing Texas barbecue, The Texas Rangers? Oh, I'm ellipsis-sorry, too. Looks like the A's beat the crap out of you because they heard about your tweet. Ellipsis-sorry-exclamation point.
This tweet about something imaginary called "North Carolina barbecue" came from the misinformed thumbs of guest-tweeter Matt Harrison, who was answering questions for fans through the Rangers account during #TexasTwitterTue.
Nicholas McWhirter This photo of Lockhart Smokehouse barbecue will haunt your dreams, The Texas Rangers.
I tried giving Harrison the benefit of the doubt. "Maybe Matt thinks that Texas is spelled N-o-r-t-h C-a-r-o-l-i-n-a." But he doesn't. As it turns out, Harrison is from North Carolina. So I'm pretty sure he knows how to spell it. And that makes this whole thing even worse.
It's worse because this means that the Texas Rangers let someone from North Carolina answer a barbecue question on their account. Without censoring it. And let me remind you, the tweet is still there. Nobody immediately deleted it. No interns were fired over this.
We're meatcotting you, Matt Harrison. With disappointed faces.
Barbecue trash-talking shots were fired, and nobody from the Rangers organization stood up for Texas. Nobody said, "Your mom! I'mma send Aaron Franklin and Justin Fourton over to your house so they can beat you with beef ribs!" Nobody said, "Just wait until Ms. Tootsie hears about this. You are so screwed."
Nicholas McWhirter The Brisket Gods will smite you for what you have done. Alice Laussade Ms. Tootsie, legendary pitmaster at Snow's BBQ, is going to slap your pretty face when she hears about this, Matt Harrison.
Shame on you, The Rangers, for letting such a tweet fly. Barbecue shame on you. I hope the next three times you go to Pecan Lodge and order brisket, they're all, "Sorry, we're sold out." I hope when you walk into Slow Bone for a three-meat plate, that you suddenly lose your sense of taste and smell. I hope that when you stand in a line that wraps all the way out the door at Lockhart Smokehouse in Plano, excited to try the new place out, a bird shits down the front of your shirt. You deserve to pay for this injustice, The Texas Rangers and Matt Harrison.
Make it right, before your barbecue karma ruins you forever.
In a post-game interview, Rangers manager Ron Washington talks about how unusually crappily the Rangers played for some unknown reason: "We had four innings tonight where I thought if we could have scratched one run, then maybe scratched a couple runs in some situations, it might have been a different ballgame," Washington said. "We're not clicking."
Yeah, I bet you're not clicking. Probably because the whole team sensed a disturbance in the Texas barbecue force as soon as that tweet went out, and nobody could keep their dang heads in the game. I heard Martin Perez was too focused on punching Matt Harrison in his Matt Harrison nuts that he couldn't pitch for shit. Yu Darvish was allegedly seen hugging his knees, rocking back and forth, mumbling something about "Trim the fat, low & slow, wrap it in foil, let it rest, eat the shit out of it, NO SAUCE NO SAUCE!! SLAW IS VEGETABLES!!! Trim the fat, low & slow..." Thanks, Matt Harrison. Thanks a lot.
Make this right, Texas Rangers. Or the Texas barbecue gods will continue to smite you.