A Bill of Rights for Texas Diners

Categories: Food News

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First, some backstory: Earlier this week, Pete Wells, the food critic at The New York Times, got his man panties in a bunch over bread service at New York City restaurants. According to Wells, the practice of serving bread as a complimentary act of welcoming has been slowly receding into restaurant antiquity. That story lead Leslie Brenner, the critic at The Dallas Morning News, to point to an article she once wrote about basic diner's rights. It's a thoughtful list that includes basic expectations such as courtesy, hospitality, pricing on specials that might otherwise covertly pummel your finances and gratis tap water.

But it comes up short, especially for a state with peripheral aspirations to secede from the constitutional guidance of the rest of union. Texans need their own, special bill of rights, penned explicitly for Texan diners to protect them from potential abuse from malicious restaurateurs who might otherwise ruin a positive dining experience through the abuse of their powers.

Here is a proposed bill of rights for Texas diners. If ratified if could guarantee that every dining experience had in Texas is a great one. Amend in the comments.

Article One
All diners have the right to valet. For too long valet parking has been a luxury offered at finer dining establishments or restaurants located amidst the towering parking garages downtown. Now, the service shall be mandatory at every establishment that serves food of any kind. From the doughnut shops to steakhouses and from the Kolache huts to the barbecue pits let no hungry Texan ever be burdened with parking their own vehicle again.

Article Two
Chips and salsa shall be provided individually to every diner. This is to occur whether a restaurant is serving Tex-Mex, flame broiled steaks or sushi.

Article Three
Every bathroom shall be outfitted with complete blow out facilities. Let no dining lady leave the restroom coifed with less than four vertical inches of glorious Texan hair. Bonus: Purse hooks strong enough to support the weight of a small Japanese import.

Article Four
Children who scream, yell, throw things, smile, laugh, make eye contact with strangers or otherwise misbehave or think about misbehaving will be lassoed and herded into a corner, where they can watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood until the guys in vests bring the car around.

Article Five
A Texan diner shall forever forth retain the right to demand a Dublin Dr Pepper, that company's demise notwithstanding.

Article Six
The right to bear arms inside a restaurant shall forever be protected for whatever reason deemed necessary by any diner, whether to obliterate substandard food, or intimidate waitstaff with the nerve to charge for sparkling water.

6A: All sparkling water shall be Topo Chico.

Article Seven
The right to request any steak, regardless of pedigree, be cooked well done.

Article Eight
The right to request cheese be added to anything, including a well-done, aged tomahawk ribeye steak.

8A: Cheez Whiz, Velveeta and otherwise pasteurized, processed cheese foods and spreads will from this day forth be recognized as the real deal, and worthy of as much celebration as a carefully aged Camembert... Fuck it, worthy of more celebration than a carefully aged Camembert. Let Velveta be known as the King of all Cheeses for now until the end of time.

Article Nine
All restaurants must always carry burgers, preferably with nickle-thin patties, and always topped with mustard.

Article Ten
Brunch shall be served seven days a week. The mimosas will be bottomless.


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15 comments
EdD.
EdD.

How long before Article Two is on the next statewide ballot? (Vote Yes!)

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

On a serious note, all ingredients should be as described. I swear the gulf trout at S&D is not the real deal. Would not be surprised if this were the case with many seafood restaurants.

Michael5603
Michael5603

Dispicable... the people who charge for sparkling waters.

nd68
nd68

Article 8...agreed, except it's Velveeta, not Velveta. Sorry to be the grammar police. 

QuesoJim
QuesoJim

Article 2b: Mac 'n cheese shall be on every menu.  Diners will know if it's "high end" pasta and cheese by the inclusion of lobster.  Diners are also permitted to bring their own Velveeta (or processed cheez-food of choice) and can of Rotel to improve any restaurant queso deemed substandard.

Steeve
Steeve

Article Whateverthefuck:  Anyone requesting Bottle Service shall be bludgeoned in the fucking head with one.

Terlinguafranca
Terlinguafranca

Article 6B

Unlimited free refills for all diners upon seeing any menu item described as chili that contains beans.

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

can't wait to see what that Tesar feller does with Velveeta.

P1Gunter
P1Gunter

At least you got the mustard on burgers thing right. People that use mayo confuse me.

nd68
nd68

Article five should be amended--Dublin Bottling Works is still going strong. While they can't sell Dr. Pepper any longer, their other flavors are going strong. Just enjoyed a cherry limeade last week.

gm0622
gm0622

Article 4 works for me

MiketheGrate
MiketheGrate

@nd68  I actually see their products more now than when they were doing Dr. Pepper.  They make a very tasty line of sodas.

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