Domino's Fried Chicken Crust + KFC Fried Chicken Corsage = Fried End of World
At this point, the only way we'd top the amount of doomy metaphors is if Nostradamus was resurrected onto a 100 tortillas and the tortillas all rolled, upright like tires, to Stonehenge and burst into flame under a gaggle of crows.
Here's a quick snapshot of the past month in The-Ol'-Apocalypse-is-Coming Omens-o-Meter:
1. Blood moon following lunar eclipse
2. A plant from space grew startlingly fast on Earth
3. That last episode of Game of Thrones
4. Tax day
5. KFC's new chicken corsage
6. Domino's new pizza with fried chicken as the crust
All of these things are totally 100 percent scientific and real, and the final two are the subject of today's end-is-nigh concerns. Let's talk about them.
KFC has a chicken corsage now.
Nantz and Craft Florist
What this is: KFC has teamed with a florist in Kentucky so that you can get your prom date a deep fried, Original Recipe, or extra crispy corsage. The fascinating part: KFC doesn't ship you the fried chicken. They send you a $5 KFC gift card, so you can cash it in for chicken. So, humans who spend the 20 bucks will get a bit of baby's breath in a box and a gift card. At that point, I assume, you're supposed to drive to the nearest KFC, tell them you want the chicken for the chicken corsage (is there a special line for corsages?), drive back and tie it to your corsage.
If this campaign is successful, will it lead to other fast food wearables? Maybe a Cinnabon embedded on a watch, or a Burger King meat glove (you can eat it right off of your hands!)?
Maybe fast food companies will compete for other high-school and college events, with items like a foldout game chair made of french fries, a bong made of bacon or a limo that's a giant taco. Taco limo.
The not-pizza is called the Specialty Chicken, which is creepily vague taken out of context, and it comes in crispy bacon & tomato, spicy jalapeño pineapple, classic hot Buffalo and sweet BBQ bacon. To sum up, the top is pizza, the bottom is fried chicken. From the press release: "Our pizza chefs have taken chicken to a whole new level, using our unique ingredients to create these four bold flavors." Let me stop you there, Domino's.
Chicken didn't need to go to a new level. Also, this required pizza chefs? Also, what are pizza chefs? Also, will the nutrition on the Specialty Chicken be released with the next blood moon? So many questions, too many omens.
That being said, we'll probably need to review the fried chicken pizza from hell. SOON.
VERY IMPORTANT OMEN UPDATE, 10:10 am: USA Today has the news that KFC will be bringing back the Double Down sandwich, which is the original fried-chicken-as-bread sandwich. We'll be following the story closely throughout the day for updates to this breaking story.