At Fogo de Chão, Life Is a Grand Meat Parade

Categories: Cheap Bastard

fogo.jpg
Sarah Johnson
Potatoes are just a waste of good meat real estate.
The dream of the '90s is alive and well in Addison's Fogo de Chão Brazilian Steakhouse on a Saturday night. Turtlenecked parents toast their daughter for kicking ass in the school play. A grandmother celebrates her 87th birthday with three generations of family and a store-bought ice cream cake. First-daters play with their permed hair and giggle as they hork down filet mignon. The décor and population in here are so not-at-all-ironically 1990s amazing, you half expect someone to run into the dining room cheering, "The Dream Team just won gold!" Everyone here is happy. Because Fogo de Chão isn't your everyday dinner destination. This is a celebrationstaurant, bitches.

Taking someone to Fogo de Chão says, "I think that you are very special. So special, in fact, that I want to give you a meat parade."

"Welcome to Fogo de Chão!" your server will say to you, mouth smiling, eyes dead, "Have y'all been here before?" Nope. "OK, well in that case, let me explain the way dinner works here." Spoiler: It's a salad bar followed by a seated meat buffet for the lazy.

Smiling Dead Eyes will tell you, "Our salad bar offers smoked salmon, giant asparagus ..." and other green things that lots of other people have breathed on.

Her second attempt to fill you up with not-meat will arrive at your table in the form of cheesy bread, crispy polenta, caramelized bananas and garlic mashed potatoes with chives and cheese because America.

"When you're ready for the meats, you flip your coaster over to the green side and then servers will come to your table with skewers of meat until you turn the coaster to the red side." Fancy. Just like Pancho's.

You flip your coaster to green.

Skewer Man No. 1 immediately shoves a chicken skewer in your personal space. Yet another test. Do not be chickened. Not even bacon-chickened. Hold out for the more expensive cuts. They're at the end of the meat parade, just like all the best parade balloons.

Speaking of cuts, do not get stabbed because you thought it was a good idea to give your server some of that shitty, whiny diner "Is this what you call service? My limitless water's been empty for three minutes! Your 15 percent tip just got crappier," passive-aggressive bitching. Servers have more than one weapon on their persons.

Enjoy your time at Fogo de Chão. Be sure to chug the atmosphere. Smells like joy and meat sweats had a baby. It's wonderful.

Location Info

Fogo De Chao

4300 Belt Line Road, Addison, TX

Category: Restaurant


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10 comments
TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

I'll bet you have the finest bonnet in the meatster parade, Alice.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Fogo de Chão is still around?  He he! I'd go to downtown Midland before I spent time in Addison. Addison, home of the sh+thead. 

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

I love Fogo.  I went on a first date there, too.  And ended up marrying that woman.  Seriously.  Because how do you not marry a woman who thinks that "all you can eat roast beast and a bottle of Malbec" (her words) is the best first date ever?


It's as much fun to try to explain Fogo to someone as to go.  "Okay, you walk in, and the first thing you see is meat on sticks being roasted.  Then you go in, order a drink and go to the salad bar. Then, once you've shoved enough fiber down your gullet to deal with What Is To Come, you get a clean plate and another drink, and this guy comes by and says, "sir, would you like some meat?"  and you say yes, and then that happens again and again until YOU LITERALLY GIVE UP.  


Then you have a Taylor 20 for dessert, go home and pass out, and then wake up wondering when your next trip to Fogo will be.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

@CitizenKane  It mostly isn't prime, but then for this style it isn't intended to be.  This is a long, slow dry-heat method, so all the connective tissue breaks down anyways.

Greg820
Greg820

@CitizenKane  Excellent for the type of cooking involved--low and slow with salt only.

dacree
dacree

@everlastingphelps  

Except the last 2 times I had port there, they did not decant it and I had bitter remnants in the bottom of my glass......

Greg820
Greg820

@everlastingphelps  The only thing I can add is that there is nothing I can add to this comment.  I had the same experience with my future wife.

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