A Probably Futile Ode to Red Lobster

Categories: (Un)sound Bites

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Dear Red Lobster,

I hear you guys are having some financial problems. Your parent company may be looking to dump you, but it's not your fault. You have been continually wonderful for the last one hundred years (or however long you've existed) as everyone's favorite budget-friendly seafood restaurant.

Unfortunately, it looks as if your commitment to serving me as many coconut shrimp as I can shove into my face for $13.99 may ultimately be your undoing. Shrimp prices are higher than ever, and most of us are more broke than ever. You guys are really in between a rock (lobster) and a hard place economically, and the future just doesn't look bright. That is devastating.

Look, hard times happen to the best of us. Sometimes I, too, spend too much money on expensive shrimp and wonder how I'm going to pay the bills. I'm sure that my parents occasionally thought about selling me off to pay for my expensive braces and exorbitant cell phone bills. But they didn't, because I was worth it. And so are you, Red Lobster. You are worth it, and I never, ever want to see you close.

I took my roommate to Red Lobster the other night because I had a gift card for your inferior brother, the Olive Garden. Once we realized that we could use our crappy $25 Olive Garden gift card at Red Lobster, it was like Christmas in March. Especially when we get into the restaurant and realize that Lobsterfest is in full-swing.

Is there any "fest" that could sound more grand than Lobsterfest? After choosing our epically large entrees that included crab legs, lobster three ways, and shrimp two ways, we set to work on the real star of the Red Lobster show: those goddamn delicious buttery cheese biscuits.

I don't even care what kind of chemical magic it takes for you guys to make those fuckers so light and fluffy. That garlic butter (or partially hydrogenated oil spread, who cares) that is so generously slathered on top is like a gift from God herself. Even better, I can order a side of ranch dressing at your humble establishments without the manager or owner making a federal case about it.

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Amy McCarthy
Like six minutes after placing our Lobsterfest orders, your amazingly capable servers were bringing out plates filled all the way to the top with crab legs and lobsters. I'm still a little confused as to why you piled my green beans on top of the mashed potatoes, but I'm guessing it's so that you had plenty of room to bring me delicious lobster tails that had been stuffed with shrimp and crab and other various delicious foods.

Forty-five minutes and $60 later, we were in complete agony. Red Lobster, you know exactly how to turn light seafood into a meal that really sticks with you, especially your ass and thighs. I'm not even sure how much drawn butter we consumed that night, but it was probably in the neighborhood of six or seven sticks. We probably have heart disease now. It was worth it.

If you leave, who would replace you? Sure, Joe's Crab Shack sells plenty of overpriced crab legs and lobster tails, but no one has anything that's even close to those spectacular cheese biscuits. And frankly, I'd much rather give my money to an establishment that doesn't force their employees to do the Electric Slide every time it's someone's birthday.

Please never change, Red Lobster. If Darden Restaurants sells you, I will be completely devastated. Olive Garden breadsticks are fine, but nothing could replace your commitment to the fluffiest biscuits this side of my grandma's cast iron pan. I'm not sure which two "activist investors" are trying to convince Darden CEO Clarence Otis to keep you around, but I'm totally on their team. Or at the very least, I'm totally Team Cheese Biscuits.

XOXOX,

Amy

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16 comments
MissMacy
MissMacy

Red Lobster? Worst food on the planet. I can't believe you people actually eat there.

AdamsonScott
AdamsonScott

Dinner for two at Red Lobster for $60?  Did you eat the whole blasted menu?

PS: Please put a "NSFW" warning up top when the language in the article is not safe for viewing by the general public.

lidja04
lidja04

Walmart sells the biscuit mix!it is delicious!

RcfromOC
RcfromOC

You can buy the biscuit mix at Sam's.

J_A_
J_A_

They need to merge Red Lobster with Olive Garden and bring out cheese biscuits & breadsticks before every meal. Red Garden! Olive Lobster! It would be a hit.

lisareneemerito
lisareneemerito

I, too, love Red Lobster.  Maybe General Mills will buy it back and life will go on.

JustSaying
JustSaying

There are many people 30+ that will always have a soft spot for Red Lobster. It really was the only sit down seafood restaurant that didn't have catfish in its name that they were exposed to. I never cared for it but I had seen enough of the "just say no" campaign to understand that those fucking cheese biscuits were and still are crack.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Boy Howdy, Darden has totally corned the market on the 70+ crowd. 

Twinwillow
Twinwillow

We've had lobster at Red Lobster a few times. It was meh and, not cheap.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@J_A_  

"Red Olive Lobster Garden"

Nice beat, easy to dance to . . . I give it an 88.

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