Early 2014 Fast Food News Indicates We Actually Live Inside a Stuffed Dorito

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Taco Bell / AP
Waffle Taco, how do you stand on your own? Tell us more, sweet Waffle Taco.
We're nearly three months into the new year, and the most commonly used suffix must be "pocalypse." So, send in Godzilla: these things have all happened in the year-to-date. We've got:


- Cinnabon-scented air fresheners

- Tacos named after extra, extra large t-shirts

- Pizza restaurant employees urinating in sinks

-Hot Pockets made of zombie animals

-Our annual reminder that chicken nuggets are made from the radioactive sludge under a Native American burial ground.

-Deep Fried Doritos stuffed with queso

Those are all real things. There's more, though. Below, we're taking a look at five pieces of fast food news that show we're all actually living inside of a carton of stuffed Doritos. There is, however, one thing that's certain: Whataburger is still the best.

The breakfasting of Taco Bell
On their word, unleash Waffle Taco: the Taco Bell breakfast menu is coming March 27. This was the news that came tumbling off their headquarters, which really should be a massive Dorito, early this week. The menu items include: An "A.M. Crunchwrap" -- one comes with a hashbrown inside a tortilla -- a breakfast burrito, Cinnabon Delights (what we call Alice Laussade's posts), and a waffle taco that mysteriously seems to stand on its own.

Subway went ahead and removed that gym mat chemical
As part of an "ongoing effort to improve its recipes," Subway will no longer be serving bread that has gym mat chemicals. Big kudos to Subway, who simultaneously admitted serving bread with the chemical that's used in gym mats. No, really, it's a common chemical. It's called azodicarbonamide, which is latin for you ate-us shoe rubberus.

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Starbucks
Mmm...carboard

Starbucks to un-suck their breakfast

In an effort to make their breakfast be more unterrible, Starbucks bought an entire company to remake their breakfast sandwiches. It's called La Boulange, it's from Seattle, and they're thinking you're going to like ham-and-swiss croissants with vegetables and cheese and stuff. For like, 470 calories. Can't be worse than the stuff they're serving now (have you tried that weird ass spinach and feta wrap?), but buying a company that can make a ham sandwich? You could have just hired City of Ate, Starbucks. We love ham.

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Flickr User WooTang01
Goodbye, sweet Sbarro.

Get your tissues: Sbarro's closing most of their stores

Is everyone going to be OK? Where are we all going to get sub-par mall pizza? There's only a few California Pizza Kitchens in Dallas.

Sbarro (a chain based in Melville, New York) is closing 155 of its locations in North America. According to Bloomberg, the strategy (is closing stuff a strategy) comes after a bankruptcy filing by a company that also owns Hot Dog on a Stick.

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Jack in the Box

Jack in the Box has something called a Bacon Ranch Monster Taco now

Jack in the Box has gotten Doritos-good at branding their SEO rich tacos: instead of bacon crumbled on top of this one, it just has a full strip dropped down the side of the shell. Frankly, it looks like something our receptionist photoshopped. (Editor's note: We don't have a receptionist.) The monster taco comes with a cool ranch sauce. There's also a Nacho Monster Taco with jalapenos. Let's be real here, this sounds delicious. Also, the commercial is damn funny.



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