The Worst Fast Food Trends of 2013

Categories: Lists

LA Weekly
Would you wait four hours for this?
At this point, nobody's surprised. It's an uncomplicated idea in the year of 2013 d.t. (doritus tacous): every month, or bi-weekly in some quick food places, a fast food restaurant will release an arm-bracingly intense challenge food, an Inceptiony food inside a food, or a Frankenstenian other food jacked into a new food.

It's Occam's razor, really: will a fast food organization actually release that food monstrosity you made a joke about with your friends months ago? The answer comes back clear as day-old mayonnaise on paper: oh, totally. Five years ago, a Doritos chip flavored like Taco Bell would have sounded like an Onion story. So, here we stand in 2013, a time you might call Double-Down Day Plus 1095 (Has it really been three years since KFC's fried chicken-bunned Double Down?).

Last year had some deep fried winners. 2013 was special, though. It was the year we extrapolated on the night-black burger bun, put Sriracha on everything that moved, and physically dropped tacos from helicopters. Among the trends, these were the fast food anomalies that were the most egregious.

See also: The Worst Fast Food Trends of 2012

Ramen as a Bun
When the ramen-bunned burger launched in Los Angeles, there was a four-hour line. Four hours. That's 45 minutes longer than the director's cut of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, two hours longer than hitting yourself with a hammer for two hours, and 3 hours and 50 minutes longer than sautéing your own brain until it's tender and not stupid.

Doritos Facebook
Doritos Locos Shock Infinite
After the staggering success of Doritos Locos Tacos, Doritos decided to Everything. Doritos is everywhere now. "Crust it with Doritos," Congress said to the latest bill. My shower is grouted with Doritos. Earlier this week in Klyde Warren Park, Doritos was seen walking a person like a dog. Huffington Post reported Doritos had given birth to Doritostuplets. Seriously though, there are Doritos Flavored Doritos Locos Tacos now, with more to come.

Pizza Hut UK
This iradiated-looking pizza made it's way to the UK
Let's Put Everything We Can Find Lying Around in the Crust
We're still doing this. In the crust this year, you'll find cheeseburgers, hot dogs threaded through like tent poles, every cheese ever, and cheese hot tubs.

Doughnuts as Buns
Are you eating a bun? A bun is a waste. It's just a bun. It's just what it is. What if your food was like Pandora's box? You unwrap it, and a whole mess of shit pours out and makes you scream like you've seen Pinhead. 2013 was the year we concreted the trendy question: what if I replaced it with a doughnut? **
*Note: this question can be asked about nearly anything
*Doughnut can also be swapped for Cronut or Waffle

Burger King Japan
Burger King Japan's Black Ninja Burger with Bacon Slap
This sandwich has three I Don't Knows: 1) I don't know why it needs a black bun, 2) I don't know why the grilled bacon flaps over the burger so ridiculously, 3) I don't know what the "Black Ninja" thing means.

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All targets listed deserved to be singled out. This piece would have been more devastating and perhaps funnier if penned by Patton Oswalt.


How did the Pretzel Bun NOT get included in this list?


When do we get the 10 BEST Fast Food trends?


The worst food writing trend of the last few years: Food writers writing about fast food. I mean, does Stanley Crouch write about the Wiggles? Did John Updike ever review a Louis L'Amour western? Has David Denby weighed in on Bukkake Milfs 4? 


I think I'll name my next dog Dorito


@Daniel You are telling me that Bukkake Milfs 4 is already out and I didn't know it? I can't believe it slipped under my radar considering how many unanswered questions there were in Bukkake Milfs 3.


Next one I'm naming Hulk

TheCredibleHulk topcommenter


LOL. How many dogs do you want have?

When I was a kid my next-door neighbors had two dogs, a tiny teacup poodle they named Samson, and a huge German Shepard named Cupcake.

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