Oh How I Hate These New Age Six-Pack Beer-Can Holder Things

Categories: Drinking

beer-holder.jpg
Deep Ellum IPA: You're cool. Neon-green Holder: GTFO.
There are few food and drink trends that have exploded over the past decade as much as craft beer, and Dallas is finally riding the frothy wave. And within the craft beer megatrend, there's been a niche that has seen even more voracious growth: "good" canned beer.

With the rush to fulfill the mania of thirsty canned beer customers, craft brewers have sought ways to trick up the packaging for the cans. Which brings us to the subject at hand: rigid plastic six-pack holsters.

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The picture you see above was taken yesterday, as I was celebrating National IPA Day, or as I like to call it, Day. The Deep Ellum IPA is fantastic; that's not where I take umbrage. It's that holder.

If there's one thing that's worse than running out of beer, it's having beer and being forced to solve a tactile riddle just to get a sip of it. How the hell do you get a beer out of that thing? Here is a list of all the methods you may employ to wrest your beverage away from this contraption:

Pull Hard: Nothing will result. Six-pack holder is unfazed. Any surrounding women and children giggle at you.

Pull Really Hard: Again, no result. Six-pack holder bends a bit, but doesn't relent its grip on the can. A small crowd gathers around you. The word "pussy" is muttered under the breath of monsters.

Twist the Can: There's no way someone could have made something this painful to get a beer out of, right? Clearly brains are the way to beat this thing. So let's just twiii ... OK, counterclo ... Jesus mother of WHAT ARE YOU????

Chain Saw: It didn't need to come to this, but here we are: power tools. Saw all six holders and caps off the cans. Chug all six simultaneously. Throw six-pack holder in a metal garbage bin. Add gasoline. Ignite bin. Piss on ashes. Have member of aforementioned crowd retrieve another six-pack. This war isn't over.

Pull Harder Than You've Ever Pulled Anything In Your Life: After minutes of strain, SUCCESS! Oh, by the way, you have a hernia now.

Once you've gotten your beer out of its prison, be careful when you open it. As many a geyser-beer has taught me, the intense pulling needed to get these cans free puts a mighty shake into your precious booze. The trick is to time your pull just right so that as soon as the can breaks free, your arm immediately goes dead.

Now sit back and enjoy your beer. You've earned it. Plus, you need to conserve energy for getting the other five out of that damn holder.



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51 comments
Cannedbeer
Cannedbeer

The traditional six pack rings are photodegradable and the hard-tops are not. I think it is naïve to believe wildlife cannot get stuck in between where your hand goes to pick it up. The difference is the animal will never get out of a non-photodegradable holder. The old school rings use 1/7th the material for the same amount of packaging. That means there are 7 delivery trucks on the road burning fuel to deliver the same amount of packaging for every 1 of the rings. Bottom line is lets all enjoy great beer and recycle!

mavery1
mavery1

To the "never drink beer from cans" crowd, I used to be in your group.  However, newer cans are lined with resin to prevent "canned" taste or the horrid Schlitz metallic taste some of us shudder at remembering.  (It wasn't good beer to start with and can sure as hell didn't help.)


Of greater importance - cans protect the beer better.  NO light gets through the metal.  And it has less of an environmental footprint than glass bottles.  As Dennis at Franconia used to tell you, we don't recycle bottles in this country, we recycle glass.  You send the glass to the recycling center, it gets melted down and turned into fresh bottles.  About the same energy footprint as making glass and a bottle.  In Germany, the bottle goes back to the store and back to the brewery who cleans and reuse the bottles.  Bottles average almost 400 round trips - THAT'S recycling bottles!

Anyway, there are a lot of good beers in cans now.  Maui brewing, Deep Ellum, Armadillo Ale are just the first few I can think of.  Give it a try - you'll be surprised.


TiffanyF
TiffanyF

My husband and I were just talking about this. This would have been an interesting article if you'd done some research and explained why they use these things or explained an actual good way to get them out. However, the comments have been very helpful.

Cliffhanger
Cliffhanger

Whiny zealots like you are why I've gone back to Budweiser. The beer is shit, but the company is better.

ElderAmbassador
ElderAmbassador

I've been on 3 day retreats with nothing but bottle beer, probably 50 cases among all of us.  It was a small island in a remote lake in an area scoured by glaciers and most of the island was solid rock.  We set up the "dump" for empties in a small rock depression and proceeded to fill it up.  Out of all the bottles in there only ONE broke.  When we left we took everything with us, including the broken glass.  Responsible people know how to act, even after imbibing Several good beers.

Canned beer is anathema to me.

J_A_
J_A_

The only time I'll drink beer out of a can is near water (pool, lake, ocean, river etc).

rupturethestars
rupturethestars

good lord you people need to lighten up. go have a beer or something and keep looking for your sense of humor cuz i think it might have gotten left in your other pants.

gpezee
gpezee

If it is that difficult for you to remove a can from a plastic cap, you might want to consider re-evaluating yourself as to what underlying issues may exist with your physical/mental abilities. I have removed hundreds of cans from these plastic Can Carriers without even the slightest dregree of difficulty. Just takes a little common sense!

G_David
G_David

Just one more reason not to buy beer in cans. 

Jennie Harding
Jennie Harding

I don't mind the holders, I just don't care for beer from a can. :-/

jamie.nwprovisions
jamie.nwprovisions

Wow, you have issues. These can carriers are awesome. My two-year old daughter has a hard time getting them out too, but she is figuring it out, and should have it solved by three. These handles say right on the top they are made from 96% PCR (post consumer recycled resin - I looked it up), and they have a #2 recycling indication. I almost exclusively buy beer with these handles. It sets them apart, and I know if the brewer cares that much about the environment and the quality of their package, their beer must be awesome. I'm pretty sure you can get the old-bird-killers on Coors Light still.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

I use a church key on the little tabs on the side.

hat2flat
hat2flat

1. Pull it's not that difficult.  2. They are made from recycled plastic. 3. They can be re-cycled. 4. They don't strangle birds. 5. If you have fridge capacity problems, remove all six cans before storing. 6. You can use a bottle opener to pop the thing off.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

I saw those and walked away. Reminded me of that heavy gauge seamless packaging that is likewise frustrating to open.

Ardy
Ardy

I thought I was the only one! I hate those goddam things. They also take up full six-pack area in the fridge all the way to the last one. 

Toni Crook
Toni Crook

I like these better. I find it much easier to get the beer out, plus they're reusable.

Steve Smith
Steve Smith

Plus they keep the top of the can clean.

amisueloo
amisueloo

tilt then pull... not rocket surgery.

I'd rather use these than see another picture of some aquatic bird with one of these 6 pack holders wrapped around their necks... also I don't see any of those damn albatrosses swallowing these and dying in the ocean.

These things DO need an overhaul. I think we should find a solution!! Guilt free beer for all!

Sean Stanfield
Sean Stanfield

1. Recyclable 2. Better alternative than 6-ring noose on wildlife 3. Grow a pair

Steve Portch
Steve Portch

Shiner sells six cans in cardboard, so it wouldn't be anything new.

Howard Kelley
Howard Kelley

How about 12 packs in recyclable cardboard like the big boys? Hooray! The turtles and dolphins are saved! As far as brains to like beer, I don't think so.

doofUSA
doofUSA

a tactical riddle wow how embarrassing for you.  very easy to handle, but yes seems like a waste of plastic as others have said

Josh Byers
Josh Byers

Grab beer, lift upwards, open, drink, repeat. Maybe Dallas Observer should buy a few cases and I will demonstrate live in front of a drunken audience.

Bobbie Lea Baker
Bobbie Lea Baker

And dipshit up there can say all he wants about "dolphins in Dallas", but turtles and things also get stuck in them and hurt themselves.

Bobbie Lea Baker
Bobbie Lea Baker

Seriously. It saves all sort of wildlife when they don't get stuck in it. Grow a muscle dude.

ThreeOranges
ThreeOranges

That's an awful lot of plastic. Doesn't seem very sustainable.

danmtz
danmtz

Bunch of pansies. 

Jeff Baker
Jeff Baker

I guess the don't get tangled in the fins of all the dolphins running around Dallas.

urbankiid
urbankiid

Worst. Article. Ever.

Seriously you had that much trouble that you wrote a whole article on it. I drank this very same beer last night and a simple pull is all it takes He-Man.

jdbdallas
jdbdallas

I didn't have quite that much trouble with the DEB six-pack, but it was more of a pain in the ass than the fish killer kind. I found it was best to hold the can and lift up, like you are using a bottle opener. I will have to try the chainsaw method though, can you cut off all six tops at once and pour them into a pitcher?

martink2805
martink2805

Why do you hate dolphins?

All kidding aside, I never had a problem with those holders. You tilt them slightly sideways and then pull. No big deal???

Howard Kelley
Howard Kelley

Agreed. Most inconvenient ever. Really slows the bartending process.

colinnwn
colinnwn

Environmentally friendly? It uses like 10 times more plastic to make.and I've read that the number of birds caught in the old ring style holders was drastically exaggerated. Not going to dig up the reference now.

doofUSA
doofUSA

@Ardy "They also take up full six-pack area in the fridge all the way to the last one."

You should write for the observer

justinwbitner
justinwbitner

@doofUSA or "tactile."  But yes, I'm horribly embarrassed.  My wife won't speak to me, my dogs pretend I don't exist.  

justinwbitner
justinwbitner

@urbankiid I've had this much trouble on multiple occasions.  What was so bad about the old design?  THAT was a simple pull.  As long as you cut little slits in the rings before you throw them in a pond, everybody wins right?

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