Cheers to Delicious Shitty Beers!

Categories: Drinking

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It's summer. It's hot. If you must be outside, you should be hydrating. And by "hydrating," I mean "drinking beers." If you've lived through any summers at all in Dallas, you know that all that mandatory hydration can get expensive if you've got yourself a craft beer habit. For this reason, I implore you to save yourself some money and buy some shitty beer. You're going to sweat it out in five seconds anyway. Here are five shitty beer suggestions to help you beat this summer heat:

Miller High Life
This fancy Andrew Knowlton guy at Bon Appetit likes him some Miller High Life. He says you should try a six-pack of that. I agree. It's wonderful in your face on a hot Texas porch. But, let's not forget -- Miller High Life is the Champagne of beers. Which is basically saying it's the fanciest of the shitty beers. You can go much, much shittier.

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Budweiser
The can is pretty. The beer is shitty. And cheap-ish. And nobody has an annoying name for it, like "Natty Lite."

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Miller Lite
After nine months of pregnancy-induced sobriety, I recently had a Miller Lite. And it was fucking amazing. What made me choose a Miller Lite as my back-in-the-game beer? Safety. It wasn't the only beer in my fridge at the time. In fact, we had just had hipster people over to our home the week before and they left a variety of craft beers with us when they left. Each label was more beautiful than the next. But I feared that if I took a sip of Anus Magillicutty's Super Pale Ass Pale Ale For Cool People, I might ruin my re-entry into beering. I did not, at this moment, have time for a beer fail.

So, I picked up the back-of-the-fridge cold Miller Lite. And it was the most delicious beer I've ever put in my face hole. Ever. A Miller Lite will never deliver on its advertising promises as hard as it did for me on this day, "Triple hops? YES I TASTE THAT." "First low-calorie beer to be distributed nationally? UH HUH. OK THEN, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT TO BE TRUE." It was an al pastor taco wrapped around a front-hug from Boobs God. It was fantasy-good. Thank you, Miller Lite, for being so good to me upon reintroduction to beering.

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Pabst Blue Ribbon
This beer is cheap. It's watery. It would be the perfect shitty beer if only it had a Texas star on the front of it.

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Lone Star
IT HAS A TEXAS STAR ON THE FRONT OF IT. This is the perfect shitty beer for Texas summer. It has everything: water, water, beer-type-ingredients, and a can that is red, white, blue and gold WITH A TEXAS STAR ON IT. You can't get perfectly shittier than this.

Happy summer. Don't forget to hydrate. Cheers to shitty beers.


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59 comments
Groover_Cleveland
Groover_Cleveland

Great article and comments. A round of icy Shiner Premium for the house...

Any love for Lone Star Bock on this board? I find it sh*tty good. Haven't seen any Buckhorn in these parts since 19 and 86. 

@primi_timpano  @TheCredibleHulk 

So right on the Schlitz. The 60s formula in the longneck bottle is ambrosial.

All this typing has me parched

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Kinda' makes you wonder what "The Beer of Champagnes" is.

Marcus
Marcus

Awesome stuff Alice! Congrats on your kid-thing-person. I would think Miller and their evil, corporate overlords of power would be wise to use your copy as their primary marketing for Miller Lite. It's perfect and also my shitty beer of choice as well.

1dailyreader
1dailyreader

If you truly want cheap, shitty but ok  beer.  It's Beer 30!!.  Only a dollar for a 24 oz can when you can find them.  Start out with a Bud Lite and then work your way toward the Beer 30.

MattL11
MattL11

I've been drinking a lot of "good" beer lately, almost to the exclusion of all others (I know, I know), but I needed something  to cook my brats in on the 4th. So I picked up a sixer of High Life tall boys. I'll be goddamned if that beer didn't taste fantastic on a hot day (didn't use all 6 for the brats). Just what the doctor (if real doctors were actually that cool) ordered. 

Sam Connelly
Sam Connelly

Whatever it is, Trinity Hall Mockingbird Station has it !

Toni Crook
Toni Crook

You don't drink good beer to impress people, you drink it because a) it tastes delicious, and b) life is too short for shitty beer. My top summer picks are: Maui coconut porter, Leinenkugels sunset wheat, and shiner ruby redbird.

The_triplefake_Brandon_Eley
The_triplefake_Brandon_Eley

Old Style was good enough when I was 15 and partying in my parents' basement, and it's still good enough now that I have moved back in.  

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Do they still make Blatz or Buckhorn?  Used to be able to buy a case with the change you found in the couch and under the car seat.

Rudy Cruz
Rudy Cruz

Is it possible to get a PULITZER for an article on shitty beers? YES!

Michael Sutton
Michael Sutton

Natural Light really cold. Similar to water, doesn't weigh you down in the heat. Not a bad taste, just not a lot of taste.

Joe Galvan
Joe Galvan

Shoot....After TWO beers, who really cares! haha.

liljohn
liljohn

The original Coors Yellow Belly is the best shitty beer. Not that coors light crap. Don't forget Smokey and the Bandit was about transporting Coors halfway across the country to a state where they couldn't get it.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

What about the puzzles on the inside of the cap o Lone Star?  That's the best part about it and why it's my goto on the porch at Luckenbach.

Greg820
Greg820

Fond memories of going to the drive-through liquor store in Denison with my Grandpa in a beat-up old Ford pickup.Hay grit stuck to every square inch of my sweaty skin, serious monkey-butt rash, and arms screaming 'cause I'm a city boy and I don't do this kinda stuff.But then we pull away with two quarts of ice-cold Miller High Life (did you know it's the Champagne of Beers?) and put them away before we even get close to home.I was 12 at the time.I sure miss my Grandpa.  

Craft beer has it's place, but a cold shitty beer on a hot day?  Ahhhhh, memories.

Chase Phillips
Chase Phillips

Lone Star isn't that bad. Shiner Blonde aka Shiner Premium is good. Sometimes I love taking a break from the craft stuff.

Kram Nalpak
Kram Nalpak

You should try the new "Shiner Premium Beer", that's exactly what it reminded me of.

Kram Nalpak
Kram Nalpak

These are the beers you drink when you're hanging out with friends by the pool or the lake; when you're more worried about having a good time than impressing people.

joe.tone
joe.tone moderator

I used to drink a lot of dollar Molsons in Cleveland. They were deliciously shitty.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

I can say from fairly recent experience that NYC hipsters prefer Lone Star over PBR when they have a choice.

Seth Viertel
Seth Viertel

Milwaukees's Best 32 oz can...formerly known as THE CRUSHER!!!!

Randy Shipp
Randy Shipp

Seriously, why drink bad beer? There are good summer beers and, since everyone else is pounding friggin' PBR or whatever, you can probably claim to have been into good summer beer before it was cool.

David Indorf
David Indorf

Whichever one can be served coldest to kill the lack of flavor.

Lauren Montonen
Lauren Montonen

no coors light? good to know I'm not the only one who doesn't think it's bad!

Chris Altschuler
Chris Altschuler

If you went thru Texas Tech rush you know Pabst and Lone Star and Olympia Dry are the worst.

Beatrice White
Beatrice White

Bud Light for regular relaxing, Bud Light Lime for pool relaxing, and Miller High Life for fancy occasions.

markzero
markzero

@Sotiredofitall Wasn't this how one John Candy movie started?

Mervis_Earl
Mervis_Earl

Blatz is available in IL and WI. Maybe parts of MO.

Mervis_Earl
Mervis_Earl

Alice wrote: "And nobody has an annoying name for it, like "Natty Lite." "

Sure they do.....Buttwipers.

(I can't post comments. Only reply.)

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