How to Fail at Franklin Barbecue

FranklinBarbecue.jpg
This week, Scott and his harem of hungries braved the line at Dallas' famed meat mecca, Pecan Lodge. While they were taking months off their lives, I was attempting a similar feat in Austin. Upon arriving in Longhorn Land with my dude and our dog, we resolved to do two things: eat tacos and spend a ridiculous amount of money at Franklin Barbecue. The former was easy, the latter not so much.

Following this detailed plan and you, too, can guarantee you'll be having Not Franklin Barbecue for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next 48 hours and will arrive back home to the disappointment of everyone you've ever met.

See also:
- Franklin Barbecue: Three Hours From Now, You Could Be In Brisket Heaven
- The Best Barbecue in Dallas? Get in Line.

Step 1: Go to Austin. Hell bent on getting our hands on what is supposed to be the sexiest, barkiest, porniest, smoke-ringiest brisket on the planet, we made a terribly ineffective plan to get up early and get our brisketless asses in the Franklin Barbecue line early Saturday morning. We even made the very responsible decision to forgo beer and any and all frozen, tequila-laden beverages on Friday night to avoid dying in line the next morning. Full of greasy deshebrada tacos, queso fundido and a gluttonous pile of fresh and floppy corn tortillas, our luxurious La Quinta digs beckoned and we fell asleep (one of us still sporting a single flip flop) with visions of burnt ends and endless high fives with all the Franklin patrons dancing in our heads.

Step 2: Wake up at a La Quinta on the very northwest side of Austin and search feverishly for any device that can tell you the cursed time because maybe just this once, the sun's position in the sky and subsequent bright-as-balls sunlight filling up your hotel room doesn't mean what you know it to mean. There's no way it's as early as it needs to be. You moron.

Step 3: Locate phone under the dog, punch your other half in the ass repeatedly until he wakes up so you can have someone with whom to freak the hell out because it's 10 a.m. and people have been in line for well over three hours by now.

Step 4: Ignore the storm of meat-flavored fear growing inside your heart as images of the SOLD OUT sign you saw on No Reservations dance around in your head. This can't be happening.

Step 5: Take dog outside and while in the elevator, discuss with him the importance of taking a fast and furious shit so Mommy and Daddy can go buy smoked meat (that we won't share). Have an adult hissy fit when the dog takes FORFUCKINGEVER to find the perfect spot to sully with his dog business.



Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
65 comments
gabe48
gabe48

Sara,  Excellent article.  Have you tried Mac's barbecue in Dallas on Main St.?  The house special is the jalapeño sausage, and the well flavored, meaty ribs, open only for lunch Mon. - Fri.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

I suppose Austin is lucky you didn't plow through the crowd and ram your vehicle into the dining area.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Wow, you cut out Gavin Cleaver comments and the Facebook Trolls, and you have, like 8 posts!

coddat
coddat

Screw Austin go 70 miles south and hit up the granary. Also you can find much better tacos 70 miles to the south

elsp
elsp

I'm surprised you managed to get a table at Kerby Lane. Why is it so difficult to get out of bed in time to buy barbecue? You don't even have kids. Were you required to write _something_ so you could expense the trip? I can't think of any other reason to publish this piece.

JustSaying
JustSaying

You knew you had to be in line early. You drove all the way down there and got a room so you could get in line early. You didn't drink the night before so you wouldn't be hung over the next day. Yet somehow with alarm clocks, cell phone alarms, and motel wake up calls you still didn't make it down there until nearly 11. You sound like a complete dumbass.

kbd526
kbd526

Good grief - this seemed more like a piece to use every curse word you know-- we get it - the dog had to shit, it took fucking forever, you are assholes, you have a goddamn dog, other people are assholes cos they have tents...seriously, infantile writing -- I'd rather have read this in the ladies room.  But thanks for the warning to get there early and bring tents and chairs. 

maverick
maverick

but i thought food trucks were the only place people ate at anymore...

Travis_Rex
Travis_Rex

leave the guy and the dog at home..get trashed the night before and sleep in the park...Follow the rest of Josh's advice.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

How to win at Franklins BBQ:

#1  Leave house South of Weatherford at 6:45am Satuday morning with cranky wifey

#2  Don't stop for anything but beer and ice for cooler

#3 Arrive at 9:25 ish, line is 125 folks deep...drag cooler with can beer and lawn chairs up to said line and sit and wait.

#4 Get to the counter around 1pm, place order, get meat..sit down and eat the best Q I've ever tasted.

Really not that difficult, results with your cranky wifey may differ.

Twinwillow
Twinwillow

Great article but wish it could have been a "review".  LMFAO!

GavinCleaver
GavinCleaver

Goddammit Sara. I'm going to take you to Austin and we're going to do this right.


Brisket, not sex. I realised how that sounded after I typed it. Brisket.

lifeondosadi
lifeondosadi

dudes. your second choice of food from Franklin's was Kerbey Lane? Wtf? You don't know the BBQ scene in austin at all. 

illakk
illakk

I avoided that mess and simply drove to Lockhart instead... best bbq I've ever had.  Maybe Franklins better but damn that wait!

Dave Ybanez
Dave Ybanez

You failed by taking the damn dog......

_mm_
_mm_

Are Sara Blankenship and Alice Laussade the same person?  Or is this just a concentrated effort to write the same way?

whocareswhatithink
whocareswhatithink

Wait...I thought everyone was a uppity vegetarian hippy/hipster in Austin? Why is anyone even in line?

yumyum
yumyum

A friend took me to the original Franklin's trailer 3 years ago and even then we had to be in line hours before they opened. I can't imagine now. So worth it though, one of my all time best food experiences. Not only for the food but the owner reminded me of Spock and kept everyone in line smiling with his commentary.

colonelduck
colonelduck

Step 1: Don't have 2 Step 8's.

Step 2: Stop blogging about how super/fantastic/awesome/weird/special Austin is and invest your time in the city you report for,  Ms. Sara "DALLAS OBSERVER BLOGGER" Blakenship.

okok
okok

@elsp you read it & you commented...  COA 1 -- You 0

okok
okok

@JustSaying I like you. You make your point in one post. You aren't a attention blog commenting whore like most these folks on here. I won't name names. Cha-cha-cha!!

Willie
Willie

@illakk RIght on.  Make it a trifecta of Smitty's, Kreuz, and Black's.

heyzeus
heyzeus

@ScottsMerkin @whocareswhatithink Bullshit.  It's been Austinites supporting Franklin since it was a trailer under I-35 just 5 years ago.  Adjust your braindead stereotypes for reality.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@heyzeus so having an opinion that you dont like makes me a dickhead, gotcha

heyzeus
heyzeus

@ScottsMerkin @heyzeus You're a peach. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@heyzeus guess you cant keep up, go back to your wittle Austin blogs

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@heyzeus OMG, its ok to have a sense of humor dood. notice my little wink eye thingy.  lighten up uptight hipster austin douche

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...