The Smells of Dallas: What Scents We'd Want in Dallas Scratch-n-Sniff Stickers

Categories: Whimsy

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Ever hear of Swallow Magazine? Probably not. They've only published two issues in the last three years. Still they've won a few awards for their in-depth, geographic specific food coverage. (Issue one covered the Scandanavian food scene; issue two, the Trans-Siberian railway.) I have yet to read a copy, but a blog post on The New York Times points out it's nearly the size of a coffee table book.

I'm not sure why that makes me want to buy the next issue, but it does. Though not as much as the inclusion of an additional feature which may be completely new to the world of food journalism: scratch-and-sniff stickers.

Apparently there are 20 stickers throughout the magazine, and while I would guess that they mostly focus on the warm and earthy fragrances of central Mexican cooking, apparently not all of the odors are pleasant. I kicked the idea around the office to try and predict what bad smells might make it into the mag, but the game instantly got too morbid. We decided it might be more fun to offer up the smells of Dallas instead. With any luck Swallow Magazine just may feature our fine city next.

Ever smell the Trinity River after a few weeks of drought? The freshly exposed clay wafts of centuries old Texas run-off kissed lightly with the scent of freshly slaughtered pig's blood. Or how about those first few days of fall when the temperature drops below 80 degrees. I can almost smell the paraffin and sawdust of Duraflame logs now.

Eau de City Hall Council Chambers would feature cheap cologne and a strong top note of freshly shredded documents, while just outside homeless people's urine would evoke our fine, downtown city streets. Deep Ellum would be captured by the smell of hipster sweat and terrible pizza, while...

Oh I could do this all day. Check out Swallow Magazine and drop your own favorite stench in the comments.


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34 comments
kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

I forgot the "I post on Facebook, and am INCREDIBLY lonely" scratch and sniff-it smells like wilted butter (dat ass), skank (divorce and general misuse) and tear soaked dirt (flaccid suburban rust).

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Uptown scratch n sniff....douche, any flavor

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

The cremation of Big Tex.

Smells like burnt fiberglass tinged with cotton candy, stale beer and corny dog vomit - deep fried and laid out on the Fair Park asphalt on a 110 degree late-summer Texas afternoon.

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

many many years, the smell at Greenville and Martel. Snuffers always draws me back.....however Kergo made me lose my appetite.

Bones J. Bones
Bones J. Bones

Dallas has it's own smell Lake water Sunshine Beautiful trees

Rod Wymer
Rod Wymer

Corona and cheese enchiladas.

Tyler Satchwell
Tyler Satchwell

How has no one mentioned bacon yet.. it must be bacon.

Karl Haas
Karl Haas

Ass with the sweetness of bbq sauce.

Max Ward
Max Ward

Hobo urine. So we don't have to spend any tax dollars rescenting it.

Milo Lowenstein
Milo Lowenstein

The smell of the Trinity River at Loop 12 bridge just north of I-30!!!!

Jennie Harding
Jennie Harding

Vanity & pretense. Nah. Just make it smell like the Trinity. :-p

Jeff Breece
Jeff Breece

Main St between Akard & Field. Saturday morning. 6:07 am. Sunrise.

Kram Nalpak
Kram Nalpak

I dunno, what is the scent of bullshit and desperation?

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

The smells I REALLY think epitomize Dallas:

1) Stripper, grease, I'm a fat guy with a pickup and lonely, but she "really digs me", Hepatitis C, take an Aids test-scratch and sniff. Smells like a wheelchair at 50.

ANNNNNDDDDD (preggo pause)...

.........

2) The, I'm 40 but so INCREDIBLY hot, tubby house frau from Frisco, I go to Cowboy games, and get drunk, and yell at The Kerg's to sit down-scratch and sniff.  Smells like "not even the hubby wants you". 


ps-Special note:  The Dallas "Chris Chris"....... smells like mojito's/cheap beara, unpaid tollway tabs, working at Home Depot, watching karate on TV, no reality,  "mom, can I borrow money" (don't tell dad), fighting because I watched MMA, can I live in the basement, entitled turd.  Smells like vomit, despair and farts.

________________________________

Other Possible Smells:

Metrosexual Cool?

Redneck stuck in Suburbia?

Vegan, but I weigh 700 pounds-and hate myself?

Stuck in Arlington or Garland?

I like shopping because it gives me a rush, and that's what the Kardashian's do?

Honey Boo Boo is funny....in fact all of the those Redneck shows that paint us all as a bunch of backwoods assholes, are funny!? 

I LOVE one named restaurant's, therefore I am hip, trendy and will never grow old? 

I'm 45, and I wished my kids thought I was cool?

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@Jennifer Bones Bonner 

ahhhhh, nothing says Dallas like snake infested, brownish lake water, replete drunks and hookers!  hey, where did you find the elusive DFW tree?  ok, now look for a hill............hey, methinks you may ACTUALLY hate DFW-just saying.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

ps-I'm working on a new "Kergon 5000" that repels swine flu, bird flu, and bad karma; the new model will come replete with an app that gives you a choice of either a Matthew Mcconaughey or  a Troy Aikman head, and lets you choose the ass(es) of either Kim Kardashian, Bubba Smith, or Jo Jo Stalin..........this new product will also have a detachable ding dong, a choice of 3 different +ssholes types, and will spout Marxist themes and Hunter S. Thompson quotes on demand! 


Ahhhh,, perfection.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@kergo1spaceship WTF happened on your last camping trip,  I haven't seen this Kergo since they shut down the sports blog.  

mewkins
mewkins

So does Moses Hightower's ass smell like flowers or police brutality?

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@ScottsMerkin

 well, the Merkster, I had a food revelation ............I said " eff it", and just went ahead and smoked a tenderloin, a turkey breast (slathered in mustard) and several onions on a campfire-and guess what?  it wasn't stolen this time! 


ps-also, I promised a long time ago, to NOT go on lengthy rants. 

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