Seven Cheese Things That Must Really Annoy Good Cheese

Categories: Cheese Week

American Cheese is a disgrace to cheese.

If I were Actual Cheese, I'd be super annoyed by all the cheese poseurs in the grocery store these days. I bet Actual Cheese looks at Cheez Whiz in exactly the same way a 60 year-old dude from Austin looks at all the college kids who moved to Austin last year and constantly complain about the tourists during "South By." It's a look that has to involve 10 percent pity, 90 percent head shake.

Here are seven annoying cheese products that most times aren't even cheese, and if they are cheese, they're definitely a disgrace to the entire cheese race. Shame on you for loving them.

Easy Cheese

It's cheese in a can! Finally? I'm not sure if it's more offensive to spray this on a Ritz cracker or directly into a mouth, but no matter where you're spraying it, Real Legitimate Cheeses are covering their cheese eyes in shame.


Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips

Cheese powder is made from science. Real Actual Cheese embraces powder cheese in public, but talks mad shit about Powder Cheese behind its powder cheese back.

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Cheese Balls

Real Cheese just hopes you realize that cheese balls are not, in fact, made from real cheese genitals.

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Cheese Crackers with Peanut Butter

"So, let me get this straight: You could have had actual cheese on a real cracker, and instead you made a fake cheese cracker sandwich and then you put old peanut butter on it? Fuckin' sick-o." -- Real Actual Cheese

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Macaroni & Cheese with Cheese Packet or Cheese Powder

No. No, this is not "The Cheesiest." Real-actual-cheese-not-from-a-pouch would be the cheesiest. This is the space-cheese-iest.


String Cheese

Real Actual Cheese is soooooo embarrassed by you, String Cheese. You're not nearly enough cheese in every prepackaged pouch, and you taste like nothing. Stilton really wants to eff you up in your string cheese face.


Individually Wrapped American Cheese

Not only are you floppy and wrapped in plastic by-the-slice, you're also the most boring cheese in the history of cheeses. Good Cheese sends your cheese calls straight to voicemail. It's true.


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I'm going to disagree with the string cheese and american slices. 

String cheese is GREAT for making a stuffed crust pizza.  It's the perfect shape and all you have to do is roll the dough around it. 

American makes a damn good grilled cheese.  I've made them with cheddar (and other cheeses) but a real cheese seems to lose it's flavor when it's melted between bread. 


As a one-quarter Armenian, I take umbrage at your disparagement of string cheese. My grandmother  undertook an arduous journey to this new and strange land so that she could escape slaughter at the hands of Turkish bastards, and you dare to make fun of string cheese? 


I LOVE American Cheese Singles, but they don't really register as CHEESE to me. More like a condiment.

Sotiredofitall topcommenter

A CrockPot - Velveeta, Ro-Tel (chunky) maybe a can of Wolf brand   

Cheese Muck am So nasty - So good 

John Travis Wilson
John Travis Wilson

American cheese is awful, EXCEPT when it's used for most of the restaurant queso that we love. Of course, I'm sure there are better restaurant quesos made from real cheese; but American cheese queso is hella good.


Only problem: restaurant queso is made from American cheese. I hated it, too, until I found out that it provides me with queso. Of course, I'm sure there are better restaurant quesos that use real cheese; but even the fake-cheese queso is hella good.


Alice, it's good to see your cheeseism finally come to light.  You cheeseist meat f****r!

Don't worry, Easy Cheese!  It Gets Cheesier!

Britt Whalen
Britt Whalen

American cheese is the worst cheese ever made.

TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

I think the "Cheesehead" (often seen being sported by rabid, drunk Packer fans) should be included on this list.

Logan Hill
Logan Hill

Sad how many people think American cheese is cheddar. I always order my burgers with swiss to ensure they don't put plastic cheese on there...


I think the last thing I am worried about this week, is cheese. 

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I love the scene in Infamous, when Toby Jones as Truman Capote goes to the cheese section at a store in Kansas, and all they have is a giant Velveeta pyramid display.


I love all of these and feel no shame...

Ok maybe a little...

ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Ive eaten everyone of these cheeses at some point in my life, and in fact have 3 of them in the fridge as we speak.  Im surprised Velveeta didnt make this list, and was that block of government cheese my great aunt used to let me eat, what that fuck was that made from

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