Things They Don't Tell You Before Becoming a Chef: Our Favorite Bits

Categories: Whimsy

Fuck Cake Chloe Chandless.jpg
Chloë Chandless is a frustrated but resigned pastry chef. Last year the Canadian-based frosting wielder posted on her defunct personal blog, Wake Up and Smell the Cake, a list of things you're never told before becoming a chef. For reasons only known to the Internet, her list didn't get traction until it was posted to Scribd and shared on Facebook. Now almost 30,000 people have checked it out.

Chandless' list takes a hard (and sometimes almost too honest) look at the reality of working in a kitchen on a daily basis. I'm quite certain her points are not openly shared at CIA recruiting events. Here are some of my favorites ...

11. You won't become famous

16. You'll live in a constant state of sleep deprivation, indefinitely.

20. Your awareness of other people's lack of efficiency and common sense will increase and your tolerance of it will decrease.

25. You will not cook gourmet dinners at home. You'll be too tired, and too fed up of cooking.

37. It will become very difficult to watch friends cook.

39. You will be expected to cook for family gatherings such as Christmas EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Luckily, at least one year out of two, you will be working on Christmas.

42. The better the restaurant is, the longer the work hours become.

44. If you are a woman, you will constantly be the subject of misogynist remarks and jokes, sexual harassment, belittlement and remarks about your menstrual cycle.

47. You will develop a creepy obsession with knives.

48. If you are a pastry chef, you will develop a creepy obsession with spoons.

Check out the rest of the list if you want to get the more colorful ones -- including what I think may be a previously undocumented account of "chef's rash." (It's not pretty.) But fear not, prospective chefs, cooks and prep-slaves. It's not all doom and gloom...

50. If you are the right type of person, you will thank your lucky star every single day for the rest of your life for making you take the best decision you ever did and become a chef. And you will fall in love with your job and never look back.

...until you cut off the tip of your finger again.

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Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

People will think you are a baker because of the white powder that's always on you.


- You will become a heavy metal expert when the cooks are working and a tejano expert when the dishwashers are working.

- You will know where the underground bars for the service profession are in every major city.

- You will start smoking just to have a 5 minute break.  Otherwise, there are more cases of vegetables to clean!

-The only people you can flirt with are the waitstaff because that's all you're going to see.  

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I know how she feels even though I'm an amateur cook.  After learning how to properly use a knife, it's terrifying to watch the untrained slice and dice.  My nerves can't take it.


Where can I buy that fucking beautiful cake with the word, "Fuck" piped on it? 


You'll become much more prone to getting bad tattoos.


He won't edit the word in commentary because for DO the word is accepted as normal as it seems to be in society generally.  I find it crude and vulgar but our whole society is becoming so coarse.  I'm a child of the sixties and all for loosening the strictures of what is acceptable and what is not, but these days in society there's nothing off limits (Britney flashing her private parts with apparently no embarrasment, as just one example).


So the F word is now acceptable language at COA ?

You won't edit this word in commentary ?

Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

@CitizenKane Fuck you.

Why don't u ask Alice.

Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz it's a reference to cocaine in the kitchen. Must of never worked in one.

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