5 Beefs with Twin Peaks' Latest Opening

Categories: Complaint Desk

twinpeaks_nipples.jpg
via The Internet

I'm almost at a loss for words.

Almost.

Sometime on Monday, it was revealed to the Internet that the "breastaurant" chain known as Twin Peaks would be trashing up Mockingbird Station. I have some thoughts on the announcement. If you think Twin Peaks is a super great idea, if you're SO glad it will be lifted to the second floor and squeezed in between Trinity Hall and The People's Last Stand, you might want to click around someplace else for a few minutes.

The following are five choice beefs with Twin Peaks coming all over Mockingbird Station.

TwinPeaks_desserts.jpg
twinpeaks.com
photoshop job by foodbitch
1) The Boobs.
I have zero problem with boobs. Boobs are more universally appreciated than bacon. Vegetarians love boobs. Gay dudes love boobs. Straight chicks love boobs. We all love boobs. So this is NOT an attack on boobs. No boobie beef here. Oh wait. Yes, I do have some beef with boobs. Particularly, using boobs to lure people into a restaurant. I'll let you in on a little secret: There are hot chicks with nice boobs inside nearly every bar and restaurant in the America. And you don't even have to tip them. And OH GOOD: the menu specifies that there is no charge for the "Scenic Views," so we can all be clear that Twin Peaks isn't a whorehouse.

2) The Location.
This is Twin Peaks' first city of Dallas location not in a suburb or the Plastic Surgery Capital of Texas (I'm looking at you, Addison). I choose NOT to live in a suburb so that I do not have to deal with bullshit. And now the bullshit is coming to the big city? And I have to admit, Mockingbird Station was already on my shit list for its parking garage comprised entirely of "compact car" spots, and now I just don't know if I can ever go back. At least not in my four-door sedan. I might accidentally catch a glimpse of non-ironic plaid flannel while walking past Urban Outfitters.

3) The Name.
Twin Peaks is the name of a TV series. Women do not carry mountains on their chests; that's simply ridiculous. See also: Tilted Kilt, Hooter's, Bone Daddy's and Redneck Heaven. I wish I were making ANY of those up. Related: I read somewhere that the motto of The Tilted Kilt is "class in all things," which is a hilarious thing to say about a breastaurant. What they corporately mean is no tattoos, dyed hair or piercings. But cancer-tanning, showing a good amount of ass cheek and even more cleave is more than welcome, corporate-culture-wise? Wait, so you're saying all those waitresses are natural blondes?!

TwinPeaks_burger.jpg
twinpeaks.com
photoshop job by foodbitch
4) The Website.
Yeah, I'm about to pick on Twin Peaks' website, too. It's like the folks who created it said, "Let's make sure everyone really, really gets allllll the innuendo. Shove it in their faces like a G-string in a Champagne Room." With headings like "Teasers," "Smokin' Hot Dishes," "Well Built Sandwiches" and "Salads." Wait -- just "Salads?" Not even "Freshly Tossed Salads?!" Am I not supposed to be thinking about tossing a waitress' salad while trying to decide which of the whopping two salads to order? Also, who the fuck orders a salad at a breastaurant? And "Sides?" Not even "Backsides?" C'mon. I could write this shit in my sleep. OH! And there's that photo of a burger in which the cheese has cooled. What the ... are you kidding me with this? Twinnie Peaksies, at least pretend that you're about more than just the soft core porn you're offering up in the form of wait staff. Everybody knows that melted cheese eventually cools, but it's best to leave a little something to the imagination. Don't phone in the food styling, amateurs.

TwinPeaks_dickjokes.jpg
twinpeaks.com
photoshop job by foodbitch
5) The Food.
Why should I even bother to mention the food? I mean, BOOBIES, amIright? Wings, comfort food, burgers and other shit your average real man likes to eat. I've never eaten at Twin Peaks (shocking, I know), but I'm fairly certain it all tastes exactly like the shame you should be feeling when inside this terrible, terrible place. Have some self-respect. Huh? Look it up.

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The Lodge

10530 Spangler Road, Dallas, TX

Category: Music

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89 comments
saraleshea
saraleshea

Just for the mere fact you haven't even stepped foot in a TP discredits your whole rant. You must live an unhappy life to judge things you have no clue about. 

brandon.reininger
brandon.reininger

You got it all wrong.  Plano is the plastic surgery capital of DFW.


robertjamesjarrett
robertjamesjarrett

Man here in Indy everyone of the girls at tilted kilt has at least one visible tattoo. Most have huge side tats and tramp stamps. Great food;-)

gabe48
gabe48

All the Silicone you could ever want to see!  Store bought boobs!

CogitoErgoSum
CogitoErgoSum

Excuse me, in point of fact, I HAVE ordered a cobb salad on more than one occasion at the Addison Twin Peaks. The food is decidedly better than most of the other chains. Also, yes, there are attractive women with great racks at bars and restaurants the world around, but it is not their job to parade their lovely, scantily covered endowments around you while you graze on nachos and slurp down oversize frosty beers. I'm a fan.

efstreet
efstreet

hell, what does it even matter. stop hatin!

redneck3
redneck3

I honestly can't tell if this is an honest rant, an ironic reverse-psychology thing, or chain-restaurant trolling.


So I'll just settle for making my usual comment about why I never go to strip clubs, titty bars, and Hooters-style restaurants: I never shop at stores where you can't take the merchandise home with you.


That said, I thought the burger and the brats looked pretty good in the photos. I'm sure they're egregiously overpriced, of course, but the photos didn't look "phoned in" to me.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Why go somewhere for bad food and starter kits when Dallas has some of the finest "men's clubs" in the world?  Hell they even advertise on the Observer.  

Brodood
Brodood

LOL 69 comments! Duh huh huh! Oops... just f'ed that up with my comment.

sdavid3
sdavid3

Why worry about Twin Peaks (I can not imagine who would would eat in a place like that, fannie packs right???) the whole retail element to Mockingbird is terrible. 

I just wish the movie theatre would relocate!


shimondbradley
shimondbradley

anyone who thinks this place is good for food or anything needs to put down the pipe. I've been there and the food sucks, its dry, bland, and non appealing. Even going for boobies means that you're lonelier than a tick on a dogs ass, n that's just sad (What would your mother think??). Please save yourself some money go to a bar pick up a girl or buy a hooker and look at boobies all you want but I'm more interested in food from a restaurant. Hell I've got better food at legs and eggs before, and i got to see boobies not imagine them.

BK2
BK2

Hey also since, you've never tried the food. I just wanted you to give you a little knowledge, please note all the food at Twin Peaks is made cook to order and not the frozen deep fried stuff that Hooters gives it's customers. They actually have a menu that was put together by a professional chef. Also their service is exceptional.

Anonymous28
Anonymous28

I wish MS would close CAFE EXPRESS.  The food has seriously gone downhill over the last couple of years.  The last time I ate there it was DISGUSTING!  And way overpriced.  Cheers to MS for bringing in a new eatery!

Americano
Americano

The fish tacos are pretty good.  Seriously.  I mean tacos with fish as the meat.

Muskrat
Muskrat

Good grief am I glad "foodbitch" is not ever moving to the suburbs.  Wouldn't want her to have to deal with our "bullshit" (good schools, low crime, high income, etc.).  Instead of overpaying for a meal and some boobs at a restaurant like those suburban folks, you can go down to Lakewood Theater and overpay for some food and some boobs at the next burlesque show.  Oh, but a fat chick or a tranny up on stage, that's art, not "bullshit".  

todd
todd

SMH at a place that is neither that great, nor that awful, causing this much panty twist and waddage. 

TwinPeaks
TwinPeaks

Hey FB, thanks for the coverage! We could tell you our 5 beefs with you, but there’s little time with our Mockingbird Station opening underway. We did take the time to read your entire post and just when we thought you had no sense of humor at all, you surprised us with #4. So maybe you can get over yourself and laugh a little. Our customers like the fact that our wait staff are attractive females, and you like… well, dick jokes I guess. Come on in and tell us your best, we’ll be sure to save you a seat.

 

gabe48
gabe48

Many families will no longer be going anywhere in Mockingbird Station. 

ChrisDangerShow
ChrisDangerShow

Who cares ? It'll bring in business to Mockingbird Station, which is could use, and keep people there longer. Quit being a bunch of crybabies and just go with it instead of acting like a bunch of uptight self-righteous assholes..

mavdog
mavdog topcommenter

There's a place for every restaurant concept and there's a reason for customers to be able to choose from fast food crap, greasy spoons, chains that have mastered cloning and places that have checks that run at $50 a guest. Variety is a good thing.

If someone wants to spend their $ and their time eating average food and looking at shapely women I couldn't care less. Wouldn't like my daughter working there mind you, but that's between she and I.

That being said, a shopping center is a living thing, it has life due to the shops that open and generate business. Everyone can tell the difference between a center that is dead, a center that just gets by, and a center that has energy. It all depends on the "tenant mix", the merchandizing of who is there and who is not.

Placing Twin Peaks in Mockingbird Station is a huge decision by ownership. The TP draw is very different from the existing collection of tenant's such as Cafe Express, Angelika, GAP, Urban Oufitters etc. TP does not compliment the existing tenant mix.

In fact, IMHO it harms the center. this use does not belong there, it is negative to what the center has meant to the consumer. I understand why ownership took the use, after all it is about making a buck and the turnover in food users has been too frequent at MS. A good owner makes decisions about tenants based on a long term strategy, and in this case it seems that strategy was tossed out the window for short term income. Not good. A poor decision.

dallas_paul
dallas_paul

BTW, I have eaten at another TP location. The food is straight from the Sysco freezer. 

natalieselavy
natalieselavy

Trinity Hall is just happy that a GOOD restaurant isn't going near them. This is so disappointing. 

MockingbirdSta
MockingbirdSta

Thank you @TrinityHall!

We respect that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Our goal is and always has been to offer our customers a wide range of entertainment and dining options. After extensive market research, we decided to add this tenant based on its proven concept, broad appeal and what our research determined was a key use missing from the property. We always have high hopes for every new tenant we bring to the Station and we stand by each one of them. This decision was made after careful consideration, and we believe the end result will speak for itself.

1dailyreader
1dailyreader

The fake boobs on that girl in the pix looks like they hurt.  Skin can only stretch so much.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

If one of your crossed-arm, sleeve-tattooed, bad facial hair chefs of the moment opened their own gastroboob pub you'd jizz all over yourself praising the innovation. 

Which is better, a Twin Peaks or an empty storefront not employing people, paying rent, paying taxes, and increasing foot traffic for their neighboring businesses?

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Well the difference between the big breasted chick in the bar that you dont have to tip and the one working at Twin Peaks is the one just randomly drinking in the bar isnt inviting you to check out her tits, in fact she would probably either think you are a creep or slap you in the face if you were just staring at her tits the whole night.  On the other hand, the Peaker is begging for attention, wants you to stare at her tits and you wont get slapped or the creeper tag in these places

CogitoErgoSum
CogitoErgoSum

@redneck3 But sometimes window shopping is all you have left if you want to remain a loyal spouse.

hix.miblue.john
hix.miblue.john

@sdavid3 All I ever see there are bikers and they are the BFs of the waitresses so I have been told. 

JustSaying
JustSaying

@shimondbradley "Even going for boobies means that you're lonelier than a tick on a dogs ass, n that's just sad (What would your mother think??)."

A simple google search tells me that the legs and eggs that you referred to is a free breakfast buffet that takes place AFTER last call at a local all nude strip club that stays open until 4 a.m. You pretty much destroyed your credibilty with the last line of your comment. Nothing says lonely like a guy eating a plate of free eggs at 3am at the all nude strip club.

Brodood
Brodood

@Muskrat Oh hon... just because you can't rock a pink thong doesn't mean you have to fling it in other people's faces. But I congratulate your top 50 Call of Duty high score. Suburb King FTW!

CogitoErgoSum
CogitoErgoSum

@mavdog Have you ever even been to a Twin Peaks? You make it out to be some sort of den of sin. This smacks of Bible-beating, puritanical BS. Women's bodies are meant to be covered up, right? Tight-fitting, cleavage-showing is trashy and children might be infected with sin if they wander past the front door, right? Fact is, this is a well-run business that, yes, is peddling a bit of prurience, but in a fairly tasteful and playful manner. This is not a topless bar and the occasional besotted customer who takes a liberty with a waitress is promptly made to leave. In my experience, a strict "look, but don't touch" policy is enforced. Please get off your high horse.

gabe48
gabe48

@MockingbirdSta 

Sorry to see that Mockingbird Station has stooped to a new low, you are obviously desperate.........sad.  My family and neighbors will not be going anywhere in Mockingbird Station.  What a poor decision to take on such trash.

dallas_paul
dallas_paul

@MockingbirdSta Such a poor, poor decision for Mockingbird Station. I can't think of any tenant less suited to open alongside Trinity Hall, The People's Last Stand and the Angelica than a breastaurant. Might as well put in a McDonalds and Chik-fil-A and just food-courtify the whole block.

Of course your "extensive market research" says it's a good decision. It's a cash cow, an easy sell. So are 7-11, check-cashing stores and nail salons. However, all are wholly unsuited in every way possible to the classy mid-scale environment deliberately created in this complex. 

There's a reason some of us don't hang out on SMU Blvd. Thanks for lowering the bar.

Pukinmucus
Pukinmucus

@1dailyreader was going to say the same thing...those look painful, not pretty.

shimondbradley
shimondbradley

@JustSaying @shimondbradley I didn't destroy anything. The idea of twin peaks is to have sexy barely clothed women serving food and inciting guys. What I was saying is that I'd go to a strip club and see more of a women's body versus paying for crappy service, food, and ambiances. And frankly yes being at a strip club at 3am means that: Yes, I've eaten the food which is better than twin peaks and I'm not alone either. Now if your God fearing bible person that wants to judge me, cool. But if your comparing a strip club to a restaurant please think about what your looking at.

CogitoErgoSum
CogitoErgoSum

@dallas_paul @MockingbirdSta Actually, Hooters would have been a much worse decision. But since you've never been to either Hooters or Twin Peaks, no doubt because they are beneath your self-righteous dignity, you wouldn't know the difference. Twin Peaks is tasteful and playful. Well done, Mockingbird Station. I'll be visiting.

Dub919
Dub919

@dallas_paul @MockingbirdSta THIS.  Well stated.  That said, I figured this is all the more reason to throw @TrinityHall a little more business.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@Nictacular @ScottsMerkin true but as a customer you dont care in the breastraunt, im like "Bitch, if you dont want me to look at your massive tits, dont work here"

JustSaying
JustSaying

@shimondbradley Holy shit, you are a fucking idiot. You really need to work on your reading comprehension skills. Each one of your replies make it pretty obvious that you dont even understand what you are trying to respond to.

Take that bum to legs and eggs. That way you arent at the nudie bar alone and his meal will be free. You can use the saved money to buy yourself another table dance. I'm sure the dancer will be impressed with your tales of world travel.

shimondbradley
shimondbradley

@JustSaying @shimondbradley WOW, I didn't know there was a category for breasturant. I'm sorry I'll call the James bread foundation and make sure they add twin peaks to there list of top restaurant in America. Apparently I missed something when I went there so I will return and give them my full culinary assessment. LOL, really??? i guess you've never been outside Dallas or Texas for that matter cuse these places are not new. Ive seen them from LA, Vegas, Miami, etc. Please retract my previous statement about going to eat with me, I think I'll find a bum and treat him to a nice meal instead. He will appreciate it more.

JustSaying
JustSaying

@shimondbradley I never said Twin Peaks was 4 star cuisine. It is, however, the best tasting breasturant food.

shimondbradley
shimondbradley

@JustSaying @shimondbradley Dude I'm not making fun of anyone. I'm saying the food sucks thats it. I dont care about some server that wears a low cut shirt or short shorts. I'm saying the food sucks thats it. I've traveled the world and eaten food from many places of all types. But to say that a corporate restaurant that is about low food cost and high turnover is not a place that has high quality food. I'm not a regular club guy, i eat at high quality places and i look for great food. Simply put they do not have it. So if you would like me to show you good food please email me and i will show you better food.

JustSaying
JustSaying

@shimondbradley You make fun of guys that go to a breasturant for wings and beer, yet you are a guy that eats free breakfast at an all nude strip club at 3 in the fucking morning. If you can't see how that fact destroys any credibilty you might have had, then I don't know what to tell you. I, and most sanitary people, will have to take your word for it that your free nudie bar continental breakfast is of higher quality than the food at Twin Peaks. You sound like some jackass that is just mad that a breasturant waitress wont let you squeeze her tits or plunge a finger into her for 20 bucks.

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