Top Chef Seattle: Valentine Wins Fried Chicken Challenge by Frying Chicken

Categories: Screen Bites

FRIED CHICKEN BOOBZ.jpg

When the chefs heard that this week's Elimination Challenge would be a fried chicken challenge, Valentine just about screamed, "AAAAhhahahahahahahahahahahaha eff all you effers, this one's miiiiiiiine!! All mine!!"

I thought that the other contestants would at least make it a little difficult for Valentine to take this challenge from them, but there were few chefs who made legit, on-the-bone, fried chicken. Sheldon made a Momofuku knock-off for David Chang, who owns Momofuku and invented Momofuku fried chicken. Stefan made chicken Cordon Bleu instead of making fried chicken, and Josie kept Guy Fieri-ing so loudly about how kickass her fried chicken always is that we all knew it had to be terrible. Brooke and Lizzy chose to serve up some breaded chicken breast bullshit. They threw away all the bones and cut the breasts off the chicken and fried that. The fuck, you people?

VALENTINE SMUG.jpg
bravotv.com

At one point, a frustrated Wolfgang Puck spoke the exact words that were in my head about the crap that some of the contestants have been pulling with their fried chicken attempts. After some of the other fancy judges talked about the importance of including the bones in fried chicken, so you can get some serious flavor, Puck yelled at the chicken, "Why the fuck you don't have no bones?"

WOLFGANG PUCK WINS.jpg
bravotv.com
Puck actually said these words. I did not make this up. He wins at talking.

Valentine wins the shit out of this elimination challenge. He won this challenge like Dolly Parton wins at having boobs.

Valentine's reward for winning? Josie is finally sent home! It's Top Chef Christmas for everyone!! Oh, and he gets 365 bottles of wine. So, if he looks a little wine-hammered at FT33 while he's serving up desserts, be sure to high five him and thank him for not fucking up his fried chicken.

We hope you win, Valentine. Because if one of those chicken breast people wins this whole thing, we're gonna have to cut a bitch.

Predictions for next week: Judges serve Valentine up another softball with the Have a Last Name That Is Also a Holiday Elimination Challenge. Stefan makes out with raw oysters.

My Voice Nation Help
2 comments
Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Tricked up bullshit is what is ruining the dining experience. And all these bullshit cooking shows on TV aren 't helping.

Daniel
Daniel

@Sotiredofitall 

These frou-frou arrivistes need to be bitch-slapped by a 300-pound Southern woman and told, "That ain't how you fry a chicken, fool!" Wolfgang Puck's mildly naughty baby talk, delivered no doubt with a chuck on the offending bird's chin -- so cute! -- only emboldens these frauds. They think that his chiding masks an astonished appreciation of their spunk. And God damn if they're not probably right. Well, they can "deconstruct" my balls as far as I'm concerned. A man's gotta stand for something.



Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...