No, I Do Not Want A Skinny Booze Anything

Categories: Complaint Desk

skinnymargarita.jpg
hipurbangirl.com
"Can I get a skinny Guinness?" No. No, you can't. Because Guinness wouldn't fuck with a good thing like that. If anything, Guinness is working on how to get a Guinness ice cream float in a can.

I was recently asked if I'd ever had a skinny margarita. "You mean, like, in a sex-type way?" No, it turns out they just mean a lower-calorie margarita. "Is that a fancy way of ordering two shots of tequila with salt and a lime?" Apparently, it's not.

Ordering drinks "skinny" isn't a particularly new trend in boozes, but it is particularly annoying. There are Real Housewives building skinny drink empires, there are books devoted to skinny drink recipes -- Blue Mesa even offers a recipe for a skinny margarita on our Internet.

For those of you who constantly order these skinny beverages, I have some questions:

Firstly, what? (Subquestion: But, seriously?)

Secondly, why do you hate yourself so much? And if you don't hate yourself, why do you insist on drinking when you clearly don't appreciate a good drink?

All right, so you're counting calories. Because it's January and you decided you want to be healthy, right? Fine. So, why are you drinking at all? Isn't booze against the good-for-you beverage laws?

Maybe you're cheating a little because you need to let loose. Fantastic! THEN FUCKING DRINK A REAL DRINK. Good booze everywhere is shaking its head at your skinny sweet tea vodka. Even Jack Daniels is embarrassed. And he knows he's a total piece of trash.

If you're ordering the skinny drink when you're out with your friends, you're the same person who's ordering the salad greens with oil and vinegar dressing at the steakhouse, aren't you? Congratuboringlations, you win at ruining fun. It's Friday night. C'mon. How about some mashed potatoes and a vodka tonic?

miller 64.jpg
patmolnar.com
If you really just finished a marathon, you're not smiling when someone hands you a dang Miller 64.

Either enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage or 12, or don't. All I know is, if you're counting calories while you're drinking, you're doing it wrong. Miller 64, I'm looking at you. I'd rather drink a meth head's piss (aka PBR) than chug one of you. And the "active lifestyle" ads you're running are super insulting to athletes everywhere. Do you think that just because people run, swim, hike or bike regularly that suddenly they have no idea what delicious tastes like? And after they've done the Triple Iron Man montage your ad shows, I'm pretty sure they've earned a fucking real beer. If I ever went on a hike with a friend, and he busted out Miller 64s at the top of the mountain to celebrate, I would punch him up the nostril. And he would immediately know why and would fully accept this.

When your friends order a skinny drink, please immediately follow their order by ordering yourself a "Tubtown Margarita" or a "Gut-Maker Cosmo." This must end.


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24 comments
PerryMoore
PerryMoore

The popular self-deception that you describe is the reason that I can get a Michelob Ultra at any bar in Dallas, but I have to go to Uncertain, Texas to get a regular old Michelob. It's damn near worth the trip.

J_A_
J_A_

I wouldn't mind those skinny bitch cocktails if they didn't taste like shit

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Ladies, ladies! You don't need to drink skinny margaritas to make you feel skinny!


That's why men drink.

Jugg
Jugg

Whats better than pulling an m64 out of your fanny pack after a nice roller blading session?

cheeseburger
cheeseburger

If restaurants and bars hadn't started fucking up a really good thing by inventing their ever "improved" and different recipes (with all the simple syrup and nasty sweet and sour mixes), there'd be no need for a skinny margarita.

It's really simple:  2 parts tequila, 1 part orange liqueur, 1 part fresh squeezed lime juice.  Serve on the rocks, or my preference, shake with ice in a cocktail shaker and pour into a salt rimmed glass.  That's it.  This is a fantastic drink when made properly.  It's a pretty stiff drink too.


kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

I see Honey Boo Boo, Real Housewives or Kardashian....and I'm out!  This shit is strictly for lonely fat chicks. 

ps-Sorry tubbies!

Daniel
Daniel

A lot of super-white places where the margaritas taste like Kool-Aid will make an honest-to-god margarita if you order it "skinny" -- they just ditch the simple syrup, I guess. Do I feel emasculated to order a skinny margarita? Look, dude, if you're eating Mexican food in North Dallas (happens to us all sooner or later), you ain't exactly Keith Richards anyway. A skinny margarita is the right idea for all the wrong reasons.

Lonnie Beene
Lonnie Beene

In the words of Ron F—king Swanson: "Clear liquor is for rich women on diets."

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

Nancy, places call that a Mexican Martini-- way less annoying-sounding.

Mervis
Mervis

One night at the old FW Saucer this guy sits down and is kinda pissed to find out there was no booze. He finally ordered a beer and then told me he was on a quest to find the lowest calorie vodka and he was looking at all potato versions at that time. I think he sat and calculated how much working out he was going to have to do to work off this 150 calorie beer he was consuming. I thought calories came from alcohol thus all 80 proof vodkas have the same amount?

Shannon Adolph
Shannon Adolph

While I agree, I personally don't give a crap what anyone else drinks, and it sounds a bit teenager-ish to whine about it spoiling your fun, unless they are preaching at you that you should be drinking what they are.

January Ward
January Ward

Amen. If they're using the nasty, sugary mix, go somewhere nice.

AmbelleinaWarwillow
AmbelleinaWarwillow

Agreed. Either drink for real or don't drink at all. The sugary syrup in margaritas is what makes them really caloric. Just take the shot! ;)

JustBeNiceJeez
JustBeNiceJeez

You are out-of-this-world ridiculous & rude.  Why do you care what other people are drinking?  Order your drinks & focus on having fun yourself.  Let the others do the same.  I'm surprised that the Dallas Observer even approved this obnoxious & absurd "article".

Matthew Clayton
Matthew Clayton

I agree. All those low calorie beers have like 2-3% abv good luck with that. Also they taste like beer flavored water.

yikes
yikes

Haha "our internet."

Nancy Mowins Farrar
Nancy Mowins Farrar

My skinny margarita just removes that nasty, sugary mix everyone uses and replaces it with real, fresh squeezed lime juice and agave nectar. What could be wrong with that?

JustSaying
JustSaying

@kergo1spaceship Thats not true. The fat chicks drink any and everything. Its the girls that try to stay in shape that order the skinny drinks. It doesnt work, but I do appreciate their effort. Find a non-fatty that orders skinny drinks and you have found a girl that, even when drinking/drunk, never wants to let her body go to shit.

JustSaying
JustSaying

@Mervis You are right. The belly comes from the alcohol. Anyone that thinks that they can drink vodka instead of beer to avoid a gut are sadly mistaken.

beda50
beda50

@JustBeNiceJeez You be nice. She's paid to write this sort of article, and I personally find it funny and glad she wrote it.  I agree 100%% about diet anything.  I would rather have nothing than to have a diet drink. 

Double-O-Joe
Double-O-Joe

@Nancy Mowins Farrar 

See, that's not a "skinny margarita".  That's just an actual margarita, made by an actual person with good taste.

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